Wife meeting married man who she is attracted to

[Woriedguy]

Hi all,

I really could do with some advice and a sanity check.

My wife and I have been married for 12 years. About 10 years ago I stupidly got into a texting situation with someone at work. It got flirty but I never intended to take it further. My wife read my phone and rightly went ballistic. Of course I tried to defend it but she even went as far as mailing friends to see if she was out of order. She wanted me to stop so I did.

Roll forward to a year ago and I was becoming concerned that there was a guy who my wife worked with possibly was getting close to. His name cropped up a lot, she was meeting him for regular coffees etc. I put it out of my mind as just being a little jealous and got on with things. She had admitted finding him attractive. he is married

Then my wife left that company and has been working with me in my business and part time looking after the family. (2 kids)

I discovered that she has met him twice in the last months without my knowledge. When I found out I became suspicious so I checked her pc and found a linked in thread between them. There was no doubt that they were flirting and exchanging messages such as 'saw this and thought of you', compliments and other things that I think go beyond a ex-collegue relationship.

I confronted my wife with my concerns and it turns out she still finds him attractive but maintains she is only seeing him to maintain her network. They have met in a coffee shop that is relatively local. We have had a few issues with our marriage and I would say we are not as solid as I would like us to be.

Now she is angry with me, saying I don't trust her and that nothing is going on. Kind of a weird role reversal but maintains she wants to carry on seeing him. It came to head when I decided to book us in to a marriage counsellor that we both had seen previously (I was planning this anyway). The only date she could make happened to coincide with a planned meeting with this guy (Purely coincidental) and she refuses to shift her meeting with him.

I think this meeting with our counsellor is super important. She says she doesn't want to let him down as she had to cancel recently. I feel like she is putting him over us. Another red flag that day was that she went to great lengths to get ready the morning she was due to see him. Best underwear, shaving legs, nice top, hair etc. Now I know a she wants to feel good about herself and rightly so. but in context, she hadn't made the same effort with other friends recently.

So the question is. Am I out of order? Should I be worrying? I don't think she wants to meet him with any intent of taking it somewhere however I'm not stupid. No-one wants to start an affair and if you are meeting someone who you find attractive, have a lot in common with, who you think is a great guy, (all her words) then that's a red flag.

She claims he does not have any intentions and that if anyone was to have started something, it would have been her a while ago and she as put that out of her mind. I'm really uncomfortable with her meeting him now. I've never met the guy either.

It feels like she is more likely to share things with him than me right now. She has even said how great he is with his family and how I should do more. (another red flag) She has said she is angry because I am focusing on this rather than positive things to improve our marriage. She has also said she is staying in contact with him to keep job options open. Another slap in the face as I though she had committed to working with me.

So thoughts would be welcome. Should I go to the counsellor meeting on my own and let her decide what to do? Shuld I push the issue and make it an ultimatum (probably a bad idea) How can we establish boundaries? The meeting is tomorrow. We have a weekend of friends coming over and I feel sick over this and feel unless we get a chance to air this stuff, I will not manage. I feel that if she chooses him over the meeting then we are really on a slippery slope and that this could be a real signal she is not happy with me and our marriage is truly on the rocks (Guy or no guy at this stage as I feel that may be just a distraction)

M

Many thanks everyone

[chatty1234]

Me personally there’s a lot of red flags here. I definitely would be pushing for her to go with you. Surely her marriage is more important than a him. If not if afraid you are going to have to make some decisions

[mylittlepony6]

I think she should definitely go with you. YOU should be her priority. It's as simple as that really.
I am speaking from experience. I once had an emotional affair (I am not proud of this). The OM wanted to meet me. I told my DH about it. I said I am not meeting him because you are my priority. I was saying it to him but also to myself if that makes sense.
Good luck OP.

[Woriedguy]

Thanks both. I think that last point was quite powerful. Obviously if she can]t make that statement its equally worrying.

[Gruach]

Did you pressurize her into leaving her job?

[RidingWindhorses]

Clearly she should prioritise your marriage. It's concerning that she says she would have started an affair. Presumably he didn't reciprocate. Choosing meeting him over a chance to work on your relationship speaks volumes.

However 'how I should do more' - if this is true, not pulling your weight causes major problems in marriages.

[LJ25]

I think you should tell her that if she doesn’t go with you and you don’t air any of the issues then your not going to manage. Then if she still doesn’t go with you, I think that speaks volumes. Sorry your going through this.

[Woriedguy]

I'm certainly not claiming I'm the perfect husband. I know I can improve and I know there are things simmering under the surface which need to come out and part of the reason of going back to counselling was to have an opportunity for both of us to air issues in a facilitated environment. I just want to feel there are no distractions so we can give this a proper go.

[RidingWindhorses]

She may be sending you the message by this that it's too late.

[Woriedguy]

I don't get that impression. Can never be sure. I genuinely believe on balance she is ok with our general situation (Have discussed future a lot recently)

[RidingWindhorses]

Well if she's not then she needs to cancel the appointment with this guy and put sorting out her marriage first.

[Woriedguy]

I didn't pressure her into leaving her job. In fact I worked really hard to not bias her decision. I listened lots to her pros and cons and said that I would support either one. Recently she has been doubting that decision, mainly because she misses the independence and worries her CV wont be as strong (I think it will be personally). I know she misses the big company feel and that's something she has to decide. If she wanted to go back I wouldn't have an issue.

[Woriedguy]

Thanks for all your input on this. Really appreciated

[Animation86]

She needs to get her priorities straight. You cannot play second fiddle to this man. She is choosing a meeting with a man over saving her marriage? She's completely wrong.
The messages do sound on the edge, if not already, in an emotional affair. She probably doesn't even realise, but the counsellor will sure make her see.

[HouseworkIsASin10]

I wouldn't like it. It's like she needs this ego boost because she is no longer the 'career woman'.

However, you should be her priority and if she can't even make it to counselling because of a 'date' then it's time to consider LTB.

[Woriedguy]

Good news. She has agreed to come along to the meeting. I gave her space to think about it and she told me this morning.

[chatty1234]

That’s good. I think you should address the subject while there about this man and her relationship with him and how it makes you feel

[Woriedguy]

Definitely will.

[DivisionBelle]

I am glad she has decided to prioritise your session.

I was going to say, if she didn’t go, it is worth going on your own, to help you know your own mind.

Good luck, OP. I hope you can bring this round and work this out together.