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How to move forward.

(7 Posts)
AngernowCBA Wed 22-Nov-17 23:20:42

DF cheated on DM. For years. It's only come out this year. Shes sticking with him. They're pensioners. I've not spoken to him since other than to say I'm disgusted and it will never be ok. I'm polite but I just see him as someone DM tolerates, not my DF anymore. The damage feels insurmountable. Anyone had similar situation? I just can't pretend it's all fine even if DM can.

Josuk Wed 22-Nov-17 23:31:29

You don’t need to pretend it’s fine - but you need to be there for your mother. It’s her life and her choice.
It’s not your marriage, not your H.
He is still your father. Nothing can change that. It’s like we tell children - I still love you, even if I don’t like your behaviour.

Don’t make it about you and your feelings. You don’t need to punish your mom twice.

AngernowCBA Wed 22-Nov-17 23:40:58

josuk interesting. Thanks. I didnt think I was making it about me. Or punishing my mum. She sort of tries to chivvy me into speaking to him and I just don't see the point. But I see I may be being a bit childish. I just have no desire to pretend to be interested in him. Or behave like I accept his behaviour. He's been hypocritical weak cowardly devious and really emotionally battered my mum with this. My mum who I love dearly. I just don't see how to move on.

tygr Thu 23-Nov-17 01:15:58

Time is a great healer. It happened between my parents. It’ll be 20 years next Easter since a 20 year affair came to light. Parents are still together. We all get on pretty well now.

LineysBum Thu 23-Nov-17 01:51:33

I think differently, in that when this came to light, your world changed too. You suddenly, inexplicably, had to start rewriting and recalibrating the past.

Your past.

That's hard. Can you speak to someone?

AngerNowCBA Thu 23-Nov-17 09:29:20

OP here. Just noticed ive got my capitalisation different in username but posting under another name for this than usual.
tygr thanks for sharing a vision of it potentially being ok. At the moment I don't want more discussion than being civil requires and no physical contact. Which is awkward. We were a hugs and kisses family.

lineysbum I probably need to tell DF I will be civil to you for DMs peace in her last years. I will not stand in the way of you spending time with your dgc. But that's all I can manage.

Mishappening Thu 23-Nov-17 09:35:54

It is a big shock for you and alters your whole perception of him. It must be very painful for you.

I think you should talk to him. Tell him you are shocked, disappointed and angry, and that you will never feel the same about him - and that you are sad your mother has been hurt. Lay out your terms for future contact.

I am sorry this has happened. It is not just about your Mum, but about the whole family too.

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