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Having to sell house after DPs affair

(23 Posts)
Wintersnow17 Mon 20-Nov-17 21:50:37

DP had affair. We are having to sell house. Anyone else been through this?How do people cope financially?. It's worrying me to death. How do you cope with stress of the affair and selling house? Mentally and practically? Thanks.

RedForFilth Mon 20-Nov-17 22:26:28

One day at a time. My ex earns 4x what I do. I got a small amount of money from the house sale which is my safety net. I found a small 2 bed house for my son and I for under 400 a month. Yes the area has a reputation for being a bit rough but we've never had any trouble and have made some good friends here.
I'd rather be a bit skint but happy than have more money but be with a cheat. If I didn't have my son I probably would have broken down. My attitude was just that what's happened has happened and this is just my new life now.

Wintersnow17 Tue 21-Nov-17 16:25:16

Thanks Red, Like you my DP (now ex DP ☹️)earns more than me but had offered no support even though he's the one who had the affair. I suppose it is about a change of mind set but that's really difficult isn't it when you haven't chosen this path. Thanks I need to work on my next steps and attitude to next stage x

Mary1935 Tue 21-Nov-17 16:31:22

Hi winter snow - do you have children if so are you the main carer for them. Your situation is individual to you. I would see a solicitor for some independent advice. Don't go by what your ex says - seek specialist advice. Good luck,

Wellyboots86 Tue 21-Nov-17 18:23:14

wintersnow goin* 5nrough the same. Stbxw is the higher earner and we are having to sell due to her affair. If you’re main carer for children you may be able to stay in family home but check with solicitor.

Make sure everything is on your terms not his, you owe him nothing now and don’t let yourself be bullied into anything you don’t want to do.

As others have said, one day at a time and you’ll get through it

Wintersnow17 Tue 21-Nov-17 18:32:14

Thanks everyone. No children so no claim as carer unfortunately . How do you deal with mental stress? I'm finding it really tough.

Wellyboots86 Tue 21-Nov-17 18:57:23

That’s the hardest part for me tbh. Firstly you need to accept the relationship is over and what you are missing is the fantasised vision of your relationship not the actual thing.

If you have friends or family nearby then try and get out doing things with them, I don’t have anyone nearby so try and get out with the kids.

Social media is a killer, I keep obsessing and looking for clues as to who om is and it’s not healthy but very hard to quit.

Lastly, don’t be afraid to wallow occasionally but try and set yourself goals, for example let yourself have 10-15 to cry or rage etc but then tell yourself enough is enough and get on with your day, the nights are the hardest as they are the quietest so maybe sleeping pills if really hard.

If you start feeling l8me you may genuinely hurt yourself/suicidal then see a gp asap

Wintersnow17 Wed 22-Nov-17 06:42:00

Thanks Welly, I think you are right about the fantasied version, but it's the whole package that I'm missing and the thought of him with OW really kills me. Friends have been fantastic but it's not the same is it? I need to start thinking of all the thinks that irritated me about him I think- because again you are right you only think of the good things you're missing.

RainyApril Wed 22-Nov-17 08:31:08

I’ve been there op, and know how you’re feeling I think. It was certainly the worst pain I’ve ever experienced, coupled with grief for my marriage and the future I thought I had. I bounced between absolute devastation and raging anger at the injustice of it all.

I’m sorry to say that there are no magic bullets. People say that it takes a month for every year you were together, to get over someone. At the beginning I thought I couldn’t possibly get through it, but you get through it incrementally and one day realise that you are out the other side.

If you haven’t already, see a solicitor and accept that he is no longer your friend. Seek the best settlement you can. Avoid social media or anyone who will give you unwanted news of his new life. Focus on one day at a time, and remember the mantra often trotted out on here, ‘the best revenge is a life well lived’.

Wellyboots86 Wed 22-Nov-17 09:38:30

I’ll be honest, one of the hardest things for me is that she now treats me as a really good friend whenever we go out with the boys, there’s no tension but it’s clear our wants and needs are different now. If we didn’t have kids together I'd of slammed that door in her face immediately and never seen her again but feel like I can’t for the boy’s sake.

I’ve also heard the one month per year recovery which means I only have another year to go before I’m over it sad

One thing that sometimes helps me is thinking that all the fun things I’d pictured doing as a family are still doable without her, for example first trip to Disney world is still doable with family or a new partner later on and doesn’t have to be tied to stbxw.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 22-Nov-17 09:45:39

You just have to give yourself time.
It's hard and it's crap.
The literal pain of your heart breaking is immense.
I cried a lot.
I kept myself busy.
Gym, going out with friends etc...
Then you'll go a whole day without crying and with without realising.
Slowly the pain subsides and you just start to see the light.
It takes time though.
So be kind to yourself

TDHManchester Wed 22-Nov-17 17:56:42

But do you really have to sell the house...?

OldWitch00 Wed 22-Nov-17 18:02:26

A couple I know both ended up needing a lot of family support for the 2-3 years that it took to settle everything.

BubblesBuddy Wed 22-Nov-17 18:38:52

When you say he is your DP, do you mean husband or partner with whom you live. If the latter you have no rights. Many people in this situation expect loyalty but don’t get it. Married people have more rights of course but the hurt is no doubt identical.

I think some men who don’t marry see going with another woman as part of the unmarried world they inhabit. They have not truly committed and don’t see their behaviour as wrong. They move on quite happily.

BubblesBuddy Wed 22-Nov-17 18:43:09

You have to buy the other partner out if the house is owned 50/50. I assume you cannot pay the full mortgage and no doubt he wants his share of the equity if there is any. If the arrangement has broken down there isn’t any other way of keeping the house other then buy him out.

Wintersnow17 Wed 22-Nov-17 19:53:15

Rainy April your 1st paragraph describes it exactly, grief for us and the future and anger. Welly- yes it's hard to be relegated to a friend- I can't do that after the pain caused . I've not heard of the one month a year , a year for me then. Bubbles I think you're right I don't think he would have done it if we were married, it's like he thinks it's less of a problem. Can't afford house on own or buy out. It's hard to think of the future but I think living it well is good advice. Thanks everyone

Koala72 Wed 22-Nov-17 20:54:08

It's a fxxxxing nightmare, that's what it is.

You will get through it by doing a lot of exercise - daily - every morning down the gym or in a class or cycling hard or swimming, and yoga at night. You will get through it by remembering who you are as an individual. You will get through it by looking up and seeing other guys' eyes meeting yours and slowly becoming sensitive to the outside world again.

The quicker you can accept the material boundaries of your world are changing - your bedroom, your home, who you call (i.e. not him any more), etc. - the better.

And also the quicker the better that you realise that you do have one very solid, amazing, wonderful person who will be with you always, on whom you can always depend, and who totally loves you - that person is you.

You have yourself. That's the most important thing. So love yourself, work on yourself, appreciate yourself, focus on yourself. You are the only thing that you're taking with you here. The house and the rest of it and him - it's barrelling into the past, so let it go. Look forward to the new era. Embrace it. That's pretty much the only way to go.

DiscoDeviant Wed 22-Nov-17 21:01:01

How long have you been together? Are you married? he'll have to pay maintenance and if you're married depending on length of marriage etc will affect whether you have to sell house.

Wintersnow17 Wed 22-Nov-17 21:54:08

Thanks Koala, really good advice, it's hard to move on when it's not your decision, but really inspired by what you say. Not married but shared house so need to sell.

DiscoDeviant Wed 22-Nov-17 22:21:37

Sorry if that sounded a bit abrupt! Posted in a rush and meant to come back. You will be fine, you are absolutely doing the right thing. I spent 20 years with a man who cheated constantly. I wish I had left him years ago. I'm finally free and living again now. And so so happy. You got this.

CoyoteCafe Thu 23-Nov-17 05:02:45

@Wintersnow17 To me, it sounds like you are making choices. Some people decide to forgive affairs, but you've decided to let the relationship go and start fresh. That is a brave thing to do. It means that you are CHOSING to let go of a lie (which was a beautiful lie) and instead find something true. You are stronger than you realize.

Some day you'll look back on this period of your life and see it as a turning point. You have so many wonderful things ahead of you on your new path.

Wellyboots86 Thu 23-Nov-17 07:49:15

My house went on the market yesterday. Doesn't mean I have to agree to the sale of course!

Very mixed feelings about it as good that I'll get some money and start fresh without the memories of our family home but also sad to leave behind the same memories

Wintersnow17 Thu 23-Nov-17 18:12:39

Disco and coyote thanks, what you say gives me real hope, Welly , i keep thinking of memories and how someone can just abandon them. I suppose time will help and remembering what he's doing to me now.

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