Insecurities/desperation/I hate my own mind

[Leo07]

Right, I have an issue, I need some advice from people that have or are currently going through the same type of experience.

I don't need to be told what's right and wants wrong when I already know it. I don't want people jumping down my throat saying things like "get over it" or "your relationship will never work". I already know that my obsessive thoughts are not normal. I am on the waiting list for high intensity CBT, that are classed as an OCD. Before I get into the subject I want you to be aware that my thoughts are INVOLUNTARY, I am the sufferer not anybody else. I've self harmed in the past due to my own head. Before you go and comment something that isn't helpful, do some research into what I go through on a daily basis before judging.

Ok so now that's out the way I can get into my issue...

Basically I suffer with negative involuntary thoughts around my relationship, obsessively. To the point we're I've lost my life due to my own head. I'm on the waiting list as I've mentioned but that doesn't help the fact that my DP works do is approaching and I feel sick, genuinely physically sick to my stomach. Yes my partner knows about my thoughts and is willing to stick by me through my help but I don't tell him my thoughts, I just say something like "I'm having a bad day" and he knows what I mean. My thoughts flutter around insecurities with other women. So yes his works do is approaching and I've been informed that he's going for a meal and then to a club... I feel sick even typing it out and thinking about it. How do I manage to handle this but at the same time grit my teeth and just pretend I'm ok? I'm not. My help can't come quick enough. I can't wait to be free of my own mind. The CBT isn't starting until around Jan/Feb so I have to cope with this in some way. I have thoughts and images in my head of him glaring at other women, his work mates are very pervy, Jack the lad type people and point out an attractive women everywhere they go which doesn't help 😢. I don't want to go into to much detail because honestly?, I'm ashamed. I'm really sorry this is long but and I hope some of you have some words of support...

[Pinkpillows]

Don't tar your DO with the same brush as his work mates. You need to let him breath, find a way every time you get a bad thought into your head to keep yourself busy. Think positive thoughts and so what he may look at a woman that's fine its natural but you shouldn't worry about it at all

[Pinkpillows]

DP

[TammySwansonTwo]

Until the therapy starts, can you research CBT techniques that you can practice on your own when things get out of control? I understand it's currently difficult for you to control but that doesn't make it less impactful on your relationship. I understand how obsessive thoughts can take over so I would try to learn some basic CBT techniques to limit the impact until your treatment starts.

[flimp]

OP, if you want to start having a look at CBT for OCD this is a good self-help book on the subject: www.amazon.co.uk/Break-Free-OCD-Overcoming-Compulsive/dp/0091939690/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&keywords=ocd&ie=UTF8&qid=1511017001&sr=1-3&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[rizlett]

OP - you don't need to change anything. These thoughts are not abnormal. You have been trying to deal with them a long time. A technique that works for some people is that every time a feeling comes up [and I know its probably continually - as thats what happens with me sometimes] accept that thought.

So if for example you are thinking of your dp looking at another girl and that creates a strong horrible feeling in your stomach try and say to yourself - ok so I'm feeling x. Then say - that's ok. It's ok to feel x. I'm just feeling x. k
Keep telling yourself its ok and try and work out where you are feeling it. Of course you have to keep doing it until you have other maybe more efficient ways of managing your thoughts.

Perhaps have a look on youtube for EFT - tapping techniques can work with some people. Sometimes it helps to have a list of other things you can do to distract yourself - even if its only for a moment. Each feeling is temporary and will not last forever.

A good book which helps is From Stress To Stillness - I read a little bit of it every time I felt overwhelmed.

Remember to breath slower and that you are not alone with these kinds of thoughts.

[Gem2018london]

If it was me,


1.) I would show him how great his home life is leading up to it. Making sure I’m extra affectionate and attentive towards him so he’s feeling happy about the relationship just before he goes.

2.) I would talk with him and express your worries and how you hate the idea of other women approaching him or his friends becoming a bad influence. Ask for reassurance from him and explain the relationship would be permanently damaged if anything happened.

3.) Ask him to call you whilst out every couple of hours, explain it settles your mind just to hear his voice.

4.) Take a breathe! Don’t ruminate on this idea, re-playing scenarios in your head does not help and can not change anything. All it does it make you feel stressed out and and anxious. Don’t focus on it. Try to consciously focus on positive things about your relationship, take some time for the two of you before the work so. Focus on positive things. Maybe even book a girls night out.

[Hookeslaw]

No advice.

Sorry but I feel exactly the same myself.

It is awful.

[LostForNow]

3.) Ask him to call you whilst out every couple of hours, explain it settles your mind just to hear his voice.

Don't do this! His work mates will think he is hugely under the thumb and he will resent you checking up on him constantly. I would never stay with a man so controlling he needed to hear my voice every few hours we were apart.

He is with you, if he didn't want to be he wouldn't be. That is what you need to concentrate on. There are other women everywhere, but he chooses to be with you.

[Leo07]

I can't begin to thank you all for taking the time to comment with your understanding and advice.

Hookeslaw you say you feel the same? I'm sorry you do! I genuinely feel sorry for anybody else that goes through this... 😞 Have you got any help for it? How do you manage it?

I know you all say... Men look at other women it's normal, I know it's normal (subconsciously I know it is) but for some reason I can't handle the thought 😖.

I don't drink and I have like 1 friend that I've not seen in years so a girls night out is out of the question 🙁 to be honest though, masking my feelings by going out myself would probably make things worse... I'd have an awful time (very thankful for the suggestion though).

Believe it or not I'm a self actualising person, I meditate everyday and overcome negative emotions in my life daily, but you see this one problem... I just can't grasp it, it's snowballed for years. I remember when I was 16 I was insecure in my relationship and it's continued from there. After I posted this I took a look at how I was feeling and noticed I felt sad, nervy, sick and angry, all from posting this, as I typed out the original OP I had mental images in my head, so I brought awareness to that and let go.

flimp I will definitely purchase, thank you SO much! ❤️

TammySwansonTwo excellent idea! I will so that ❤️

EVERYONE thank you, from my heart, honestly ❤️

[Hookeslaw]

Hi
I have not managed to over come it. If you search my name you can see my similar thread on it.

I am going to try therapy.

I really don’t have the answer but just to let you know. I am the same with the mental anguish x

[user1474652148]

I had a similar problem that started in my teens before CBT existed in my world. After my failed sucide I knew I had to do something.
For me it was linked to my lack of self sufficiency. I felt I couldn't survive without him so every time there was a perceived threat to our relationship from other women it felt like a threat to my survival. I now see this clearly. I had very few friends and was a compulsive checker.
The only way I could break free was to become fully my own person. I developed a career, a whole bunch of friends, hobbies outside the relationship and eventually I became whole. I ended the relationship in the end but nothing to do with this. I was like an emotional needy desperate child before. Maybe you too have issues surrounding your father. Until you can manage on your own with or wthout dp you will always feel like the inferior one, after all a relationship is a bonus not a necessity.

[rizlett]

Your post is very interesting user1 and really helps to clarify this. My past was very similar and my behaviour attached to issues connected to my fathers history.

I relate to the idea that it is linked to survival and therefore almost instinctive albeit not a mature way to manage or nuture yourself.

[Hookeslaw]

It is interesting what causes us to be like this.

It is not Father issues for me. My Dad is great. For me I think it stems from weight issues and my ex who cheated on me with prostitutes and men.

[gttia]

I have an issue with something similar but not quite the same.
If I can every time I have a negative thought I write it down in a note book. Not always practical but it gets the thought of my head. Then when I'm getting good at that alongside my negative thought I write a positive thought to counter balance the negative. If I can't write the negative thought down I count to ten. Every time the negative pops on I count, it stops the thought escalating. It's an awful thing to be struggling with. Fill your evening with something he wouldn't normally like to do is an idea? When is it, can any of us help by what's apping or emailing you throughout the evening? Xx

[Leo07]

Hookeslaw so glad you have therapy lined up. I genuinely wish you all the best with it. I hope you can one day be released from the 'prisoner in my own head' feeling. Thank you for your words of support X

user1474652148 Thank you for your sharing with me your story. I'm sorry you went through something similar 🙁 it's definitely not father related in my case as I have a man that people call "one in a million" as a father. Like Hookeslaw states in her comment, I also agree my insecurities lie with weight issues. I was heavily bullied in school, my brother used to torment me when I was young and I think it snowballed from there. My weight has always been my enemy. Then my ex fiance, I was with for almost 6 years turned out to be the biggest compulsive liar slash cheat I've ever known in my life, literally lived a double life whilst we was in a relationship, I think that put the cherry on the top for me.

gttia Amazing you found your own way to cope! Very inspiring. Thank you for sharing that. Unfortunately for me... A notebook and would have to be attached to my hand permanently because I have these thoughts... Well off the top of my head maybe... 100 or more a day, they are extremely intrusive and almost habitual. Thank you for offering your help to me, that's very kind... Thing is, I kind of broke down and told him exactly what I'm going through, he was so understanding, he said I'm his priority and if I'm home tortured to death he won't go. I made it VERY clear that I did not want anything to change (plan wise) after I told him. He shouldn't lose out because of my head. I'm actually thinking about going with them (I was initially invited but automatically declined due to anxiety) xx

[gttia]

Honestly the note book was in constant use to start with, it really worked and I took it to cbt to show them. I just about cope with it currently but that's because I haven't had to face it for six months, i won't be able to forever, work will force it and the note book will be back out. I can 100% say I will relapse, and I did slightly last Monday but these strategies just about help me. My fear hasn't actually happened for a year, and it was ok in the end, but it will happen again for a much longer period of time. Be very kind on yourself, the fact your here shows you aren't wanting to have these thoughts and you genuinely want to be comfortable in this situation. Your dp sounds great, like mine

[gttia]

I didn't make that clear, the thoughts come maybe once a day or so now, under control, when the situation appears it's uncontrollable and that the note book or the counting really help me bring my mind back down. So when I relapse these techniques really help.

[ladyjadie]

There are also YouTube videos specifically made for people with intrusive thoughts (horrible, horrible experience OP and PPs- you have my empathy) and my mum used to have crossword/puzzle books handy too. I played a lot of video games to distract myself but I'm aware these things aren't always to hand.. Also if I was outside I would try to focus on say a bird and imagine being that bird, what it could see, where it was going what it might be thinking, even what it might be worried about (!). Sounds bonkers but it beat me driving myself to distraction in my own head. Hope any of these help even a tiny bit

[PolkaDottyRose]

There is a free online site called moodgym, which I think is a form of CBT. Anyway, it's very very good, and you can work through it at your own pace. Would recommend.

[Chickenagain]

OP, as you have now realised, you aren’t alone in this and when you wrote about the exF I thought you were me! It is so incapacitating isn’t it? I constantly think of how situations, how other women are so attractive, other people judging us as a couple as I’m overweight & he is so fit (I mean physically, but also quite fit too 😉).

Your partner obviously adores you and sounds amazingly tuned into your anxiety. Luckily, mine is too. I found ADs worked somewhat, but my additional weight gain has been horrendous.

I try to recognise the feeling, take each day as it comes, and remind myself with a photo of him - “He loves Meeeee ”..... seems to help a bit.

Also, I will just tell him sometimes “I’m feeling anxious now” and whatever it is that is making me feel vulnerable, he will take my hand & reassure me, which is confidence building in itself.

Blimey, that was long - you’re the first person I’ve told exactly how I feel - but I hope some of it helps you OP, you sound lovely

Good luck, it will get better!

[Chickenagain]

And it’s a name-change fail from me

[user1480334601]

How do you feel about meds OP? I felt exactly the same as you but about women on TV :/ I'd actually have panic attacks and obsessive thoughts and it badly affected our relationship, the rational me inside knew I was being ridiculous but I couldn't control these thoughts and emotions. I eventually went to doctor and she diagnosed anxiety. Was put on citalopram and am 100% better. I still have to odd worry about things but I now feel in control and they don't consume me. I can rationalise things in my head. I wish I'd done it sooner.

Another point to consider is that the image you have in your head of the work do is not the truth. You're perhaps imagining your partner surrounded by really attractive women in skimpy clothing but the reality will be alot less severe and even if your partner sees someone attractive it will be a fleeting second of his life, not the love and life he has with you. (I know this is easier said than done, before I was put on meds I wouldn't be able to rationalise it!)

[Leo07]

gttia It's so nice for me to read that you got your thoughts under control. Someone else also said that they will never 100 percent go but I'll have more control over them and they won't appear as much.

Yes my dp is fantastic (he's been through this himself so has had direct experience). So glad yours is to! I can imagine there are many partners out there that would just leave.

I've been researching and learning what 'ACTUALLY' is a thought, like I've said in my previous comments I'm a self actualising person so this will come in handy in all aspects of my life. I'm learning through direct experience because 'just knowing isn't enough'. I will admit it's helping with a few but some of them are just so rooted. I'll be very grateful when I start CBT. I'm very happy for you gttia that you found your own way out of your head, keep up the good work lovely 💪❤️ and thank you for sharing.

ladyjadie I will Google the YouTube video's, thank you for that! I think what you've mentioned about looking and contemplating on a different object is a great idea! I certainly will give it a go! Thank you for your sympathy and for replying ❤️

PolkaDottyRose I'll definitely look this up also, thank you ❤️

Chickenagain bless your heart! Thank you for sharing that with me (us). I totally know what you mean with regards to "he loves me" but unfortunately mine seems to be more lust/deceit related if that makes sense, I don't fret for a second on things like " he will run away with someone else or what if he falls in love with someone else" THAT for some reason I can handle, it's more the side of, will he see another female and become aroused by her, will he picture himself having sex with her and then want sex with me because he's horny and picture her the whole time... You get the jist, it's that type of thing for me. So the he loves me has no effect on me sadly 😞.
"Also, I will just tell him sometimes I’m feeling anxious now and whatever it is that is making me feel vulnerable, he will take my hand & reassure me" ⬅️ THAT is beautiful! So nice to hear your dp/dh supports and understands you 😍. Yes definitely helped (I don't feel so alone anymore which was causing me to feel isolated) so thank you so much for sharing ❤️.

user1480334601 How do I feel about meds, unfortunately that would be a no from me (maaaaany reasons) but thanks for the suggestion. I definitely have anxiety without a shadow of a doubt. Yes I can most certainly empathise with the 'women on TV scenario, I'm the same even now, also with movies too. I go to imbd and check for the cast and sex and nudity before I even agree to watch a film with him, the poor man thinks I'm picky with my taste in movies but unfortunately I'm just severely paranoid. So glad to hear you managed to find a way to manage your mind, it's a tricky tricky bastard. Your totally bob on with the exaggerated internal images, very important point! The thing is as I've mentioned above with seeing someone attractive is does he go on to imagine having sex with her? Or does he imagine what her breasts look like under her clothes or would we then have intercourse after seeing said person and he imagines having sex or a body part of hers, that's what my insecurities are centred around. If he was to notice an attractive person and be like "yeah she's good looking" (in his mental dialogue) and then it was left at that it wouldn't bother me so much, probably not at all! But I've heard the way men think 😖. Am I making sense?

Thanks all of you for replying I really appreciate it 💕