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How to move separation along? Heart-broken, but also frustrated

(18 Posts)
PerfectlyDone Sun 12-Nov-17 08:59:51

V long and tedious story short:

20 years married
4 kids
I became aware of an affair 2+ years ago, we had counselling.
Now new affair, 'means more', we have decided to split.

There is no way I can ever be in a relationship with him again.

BUT - he is dragging his heels wrt sorting our affairs: 23 years of joint mortgages, huge outstanding debt, finances totally intermingled.

My priority are my children, I am coping just fine (did all my fury and grieving for the relationship I thought I had when I found out about the first affair), I want him well out of my financial life.

He's doing nothing, nought, zilch, like finding out what his pension status is etc, and I cannot do it for him (because I would, just to ge rid).

So, what: lawyer?? Mediation?
I'd've thought seeing that he is apparently happily involved in his new relationship he'd want to move on?

MissConductUS Sun 12-Nov-17 09:43:03

He probably does want to move along, but hates the idea of you getting half of his pension. Right now he's got the custard, so it's hard to bring himself to eat the cold, bitter veg.

You do have a lawyer, right? There should be a process for moving this along in the law.

Good luck.

Cambionome Sun 12-Nov-17 09:51:40

What does your solicitor advise?
(If you haven't got one, you need to get on to it asap).

PerfectlyDone Sun 12-Nov-17 09:56:03

I've met with a v highly recommended family lawyer once, just last week, so I now understand the process a bit better.

I was hoping that we could do this ourselves, or with a bit of mediation help.
As the saying goes: do you want to put your kids though university, or your lawyers? grin

Thankfully, I do not need any money from him but I want to own the house outright and I cannot even begin to calculate whether I could make that work without knowing what our respective positions are.

Yes, having cake and eating it is going on right now... hmm

QueenThisTime Sun 12-Nov-17 10:09:49

OP I'd advise you to use a SHL for the essential part of the process - sorting out the money. Seriously it is an investment.

Put it to your STBX that if you can come to an agreement between you, you just need to have it written up by a lawyer, relatively cheap. If you can't come to an agreement between you, then a lot more money will have to go to the lawyers as they thrash it out, possibly even go to court. He should then pull his finger out. It sounds as if he just can't be arsed to get this under way, as he's got it comfortable. Maybe he's not that sure about new OW too and doesn't want to be forced into setting up home with her.

My separation was reasonably amicable but we still had a lawyer each to agree the details. Mine was absolutely brilliant. Her fees were just over 1K in total and that's already paid for itself in the agreement she got for me. (Though she was never aggressive, always eminently reasonable with requests that he would have looked like a schmuck if he'd said no to.) His lawyer made a proposal, mine argued for various changes, it went back and forth a bit and so on, took a few weeks. The whole process and ending up with your assets does take longer of course, if there's a house sale to sort out, assets to split etc. But the legal bit doesn't have to be an extortionate nightmare.

Hang on in there flowers

Cambionome Sun 12-Nov-17 10:14:51

Doesn't look like you are going to be able to do this by yourselves, unfortunately. Might be worth sitting him down and saying that if he doesn't get his finger out you are going to move things along with your solicitor, arrange mediation etc. This will cost you AND him, so if he doesn't want this he knows what to do!

For what it's worth, I am in the same situation as you and going to my first mediation session tomorrow. The whole divorce costs are estimated (by my solicitor) to come to about £2500; yes, this will be a lot of money, but nothing compared to the relief of getting everything sorted and - hopefully - getting what I want from the settlement.

PerfectlyDone Sun 12-Nov-17 10:46:59

Thank you, all,

What is a SHL?

I think I am going to let Christmas come and go, use the time to get my ducks in a row and then instruct a lawyer if he does not agree to mediation in the first instance.


QueenThisTime Sun 12-Nov-17 10:57:27

SHL = shit hot lawyer! grin

PerfectlyDone Sun 12-Nov-17 11:01:07


And there I though it was some kind of legal technical term!
Although I suppose it is...
Thanks thanks

QueenThisTime Sun 12-Nov-17 11:02:16

Your plan makes sense as Christmas will be a PITA with people away from work, lots of other stresses etc.

Use the time to research what you can expect and try to find out as much as possible about his pension and any other financial assets. There are probably websites dedicated to helping you through the process - have a google.

Have strategies lined up also for what you plan to do if keeping the house isn't an option, or if he decides to fight it out in court etc, so you're mentally prepared for all outcomes.

Look after yourself, it's an exhausting time.

PerfectlyDone Mon 13-Nov-17 07:35:11

Thank you, all, btw - your help and support are much appreciated.

So, after some 'yes, fine' to 'I am withdrawing my consent' after he had called me 'the bitch from hell', he has now officially agreed for me to take our DCs to my parents at Christmas in another (European) country.

He keeps insinuating that I am using the DCs to 'control' him which I am very deliberately not doing. He can see them whenever his busy schedule allows (a very demanding job and a mistress are time-intensive, you know!). And there is no risk at all that I would not bring them back hmm - their whole lives are here, school, friends, various activities. He is trying to pick fights with me (hence the name calling as well - he has never done that before) and I am trying so hard not to rise to the bait.

Exhausting? Yes.

MissConductUS Mon 13-Nov-17 09:27:56

PerfectlyDone, it is exhausting.

In the US you would have the right to ring his HR department and ask for the details of his pension because as his spouse you would automatically be listed as a beneficiary. It could well be different in the UK, but the worst that can happen if you try is they tell you that they can't discuss it with you.

The name calling is typical. He knows that he's a philandering dog, so now he has to make the divorce all your fault somehow. It has nothing to do with you or your actions.

Keep calm and carry on dear. smile

Wallywobbles Mon 13-Nov-17 09:38:08

I always think this is a good time for 3 lists in terms of finance and kids.

What you want
What you’d accept
What is unacceptable/non-negotiable

QueenThisTime Mon 13-Nov-17 11:25:12

Indeed OP, how dare you take steps to enact actual consequences for his unacceptable behaviour! You were supposed to take it lying down and be his fallback option indefinitely, so now you're a bitch. hmm Totally typical. The kids have nothing to do with it and of course you're behaving reasonably. It's just the only thing he can think of to throw at you.

(Also you can probably expect him to come crawling back approx 6 months after it's all done and dusted, when he sees you're happy...)

PerfectlyDone Fri 17-Nov-17 19:08:45

He was at the house this afternoon - did a school pick up as I had an appointment for my STI check (not that he knew that's where I was).
His phone never stopped pinging with messages from OW - his phone was lying in the kitchen, I was making dinner, there was no spying involved, but it was impossible to overlook.

Lots of Amazon and eBay parcels are arriving at the house with gifts - not for us.

He just does not even begin to consider that I have feelings sad

PerfectlyDone Sat 18-Nov-17 22:00:29

Today has been a bad day.

Cambionome Sun 19-Nov-17 16:22:00

How are you today, op?

PerfectlyDone Sun 19-Nov-17 16:32:43

Aw, thanks for asking smile - better today, more philosophical.

I was really sad yesterday. H took our younger 2 to the cinema with OW and one of her children.
I cannot remember the last time he made the effort to go to the cinema with our kids and me, all happy and smiley.

It's his week with the kids coming up, so I am about to go to the flat we have rented and that we take turns in staying at.
I've got 2 nights out with friends lined up this week, so that will be good company and shoulders to sob on.

I know I will be fine in the long run, it is just really shit just now.

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