V long and tedious story short:
20 years married
4 kids
I became aware of an affair 2+ years ago, we had counselling.
Now new affair, 'means more', we have decided to split.
There is no way I can ever be in a relationship with him again.
BUT - he is dragging his heels wrt sorting our affairs: 23 years of joint mortgages, huge outstanding debt, finances totally intermingled.
My priority are my children, I am coping just fine (did all my fury and grieving for the relationship I thought I had when I found out about the first affair), I want him well out of my financial life.
He's doing nothing, nought, zilch, like finding out what his pension status is etc, and I cannot do it for him (because I would, just to ge rid).
So, what: lawyer?? Mediation?
I'd've thought seeing that he is apparently happily involved in his new relationship he'd want to move on?
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How to move separation along? Heart-broken, but also frustrated
PerfectlyDone · 12/11/2017 08:59
I've met with a v highly recommended family lawyer once, just last week, so I now understand the process a bit better.
I was hoping that we could do this ourselves, or with a bit of mediation help.
As the saying goes: do you want to put your kids though university, or your lawyers? 
Thankfully, I do not need any money from him but I want to own the house outright and I cannot even begin to calculate whether I could make that work without knowing what our respective positions are.
Yes, having cake and eating it is going on right now... 
OP I'd advise you to use a SHL for the essential part of the process - sorting out the money. Seriously it is an investment.
Put it to your STBX that if you can come to an agreement between you, you just need to have it written up by a lawyer, relatively cheap. If you can't come to an agreement between you, then a lot more money will have to go to the lawyers as they thrash it out, possibly even go to court. He should then pull his finger out. It sounds as if he just can't be arsed to get this under way, as he's got it comfortable. Maybe he's not that sure about new OW too and doesn't want to be forced into setting up home with her.
My separation was reasonably amicable but we still had a lawyer each to agree the details. Mine was absolutely brilliant. Her fees were just over 1K in total and that's already paid for itself in the agreement she got for me. (Though she was never aggressive, always eminently reasonable with requests that he would have looked like a schmuck if he'd said no to.) His lawyer made a proposal, mine argued for various changes, it went back and forth a bit and so on, took a few weeks. The whole process and ending up with your assets does take longer of course, if there's a house sale to sort out, assets to split etc. But the legal bit doesn't have to be an extortionate nightmare.
Hang on in there 
And there I though it was some kind of legal technical term!
Although I suppose it is...
Thanks 
Thank you, all, btw - your help and support are much appreciated.
So, after some 'yes, fine' to 'I am withdrawing my consent' after he had called me 'the bitch from hell', he has now officially agreed for me to take our DCs to my parents at Christmas in another (European) country.
He keeps insinuating that I am using the DCs to 'control' him which I am very deliberately not doing. He can see them whenever his busy schedule allows (a very demanding job and a mistress are time-intensive, you know!). And there is no risk at all that I would not bring them back - their whole lives are here, school, friends, various activities. He is trying to pick fights with me (hence the name calling as well - he has never done that before) and I am trying so hard not to rise to the bait.
Exhausting? Yes.
PerfectlyDone, it is exhausting.
In the US you would have the right to ring his HR department and ask for the details of his pension because as his spouse you would automatically be listed as a beneficiary. It could well be different in the UK, but the worst that can happen if you try is they tell you that they can't discuss it with you.
The name calling is typical. He knows that he's a philandering dog, so now he has to make the divorce all your fault somehow. It has nothing to do with you or your actions.
Keep calm and carry on dear. 
Indeed OP, how dare you take steps to enact actual consequences for his unacceptable behaviour! You were supposed to take it lying down and be his fallback option indefinitely, so now you're a bitch. Totally typical. The kids have nothing to do with it and of course you're behaving reasonably. It's just the only thing he can think of to throw at you.
(Also you can probably expect him to come crawling back approx 6 months after it's all done and dusted, when he sees you're happy...)
He was at the house this afternoon - did a school pick up as I had an appointment for my STI check (not that he knew that's where I was).
His phone never stopped pinging with messages from OW - his phone was lying in the kitchen, I was making dinner, there was no spying involved, but it was impossible to overlook.
Lots of Amazon and eBay parcels are arriving at the house with gifts - not for us.
He just does not even begin to consider that I have feelings 
Aw, thanks for asking - better today, more philosophical.
I was really sad yesterday. H took our younger 2 to the cinema with OW and one of her children.
I cannot remember the last time he made the effort to go to the cinema with our kids and me, all happy and smiley.
It's his week with the kids coming up, so I am about to go to the flat we have rented and that we take turns in staying at.
I've got 2 nights out with friends lined up this week, so that will be good company and shoulders to sob on.
I know I will be fine in the long run, it is just really shit just now.
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