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Feeling guilty again

(12 Posts)
1DAD2KIDS Fri 10-Nov-17 17:10:02

I have just been reading another discussion. A poster (I wont name) posted she used to be violent to her dh. Strangling him. She had been in abusive relationships before him and this was the source of her violence. She got help and medication and her and dh are ok now. It reminded me of my ex wife, shed had a trouble upbringing and abusive relationships since she was a teenager. She was a handful, physically and mentally abusive, manipulative and ultimately walked out on me and the kids.

I am over her and see a bright future ahead without her. In fact things are going well. But this post made me feel guilty again, like I failed her. People have told me before its stupid because she was so shit to me. But this post reminded me the world is not black and white. I was the only one who never abused her, loved her and was good to her. I know a lot of why she was a dick was probably to do with her horrible past. It made me feel like I let her down again. She is back with her step cousin that abused her as a teenager. She is not my problem any more and I don't want her to be. But I still cant feel I failed her as a husband. Maybe if I could have got her some help? Its a guilt I cant shake.

Oakleygirl Fri 10-Nov-17 17:34:59

I know what you mean 1dad. I do wonder if we ever stop feeling guilty about things like that, but I also think it will get less and less with time. If you knew she was in a better situation you probably wouldn't feel guilty at all It's probably mostly that that's making you feel bad.

1DAD2KIDS Fri 10-Nov-17 18:24:54

It's breaks my heart still that she has hit near rock bottom and with such a vile man. I know she is her own person and makes her own choices but it's still hard to understand. I would be a lot happier if I knew she was in a good place. It seems just such a waste. Like the bad guy wins, gets to beat her, have his way with her, spend her money. There seems no justice. Still having said that she treated me like shit so why should I care?

Biddylee Fri 10-Nov-17 18:54:03

You cared a lot for her, you married her, you had kids together, you saw something in her that you loved... I think a little bit always still cares and will hope that person can find happiness.

juwayriyyah31 Fri 10-Nov-17 20:34:29

I know it sounds stupid but how you write about her made me emotional. Not many people feel that way

SandyY2K Fri 10-Nov-17 21:07:10

She's gone back to him? The one she cheated on you with?

Thst shows she had no remorse and wanted to get back with you recently for convenience.

She needs to have therapy and sort her life out.

Don't feel guilty. You didn't fail her ... she made a series of conscious choices.... because you tolerated her abuse...she carried on.

There comes a point in life that we have to accept responsibility for our own actions. It doesn't seem like she ever did that

She relied on the fact that you would always be there no matter how much she hurt you.

Aminuts23 Fri 10-Nov-17 21:12:00

You have huge empathy OP and that is a good, genuine and kind way to be. You loved her and you’ll always care for her. BUT the burden of guilt should not be yours. She is an adult and she’s making her choices. She’s making mistakes by the sounds of it. But as you know nobody can ‘fix’ anyone else. People have to take responsibility for themselves and it is a helpless feeling. Don’t ever ever lose your empathy but try to deal with and leave behind your guilt. You have nothing whatsoever to feel guilty about

1DAD2KIDS Sat 11-Nov-17 20:47:10

I think that the nail on the head Aminuts23. The lady i spoke about who was abusive and angry took ownership of it and got help. It has ended happily for her. I loved her and I promised to look after her on paper, in word and in my heart when I put that ring on her finger. So it breaks my heart I could not protect her from her self. She was just so angry all the time and self destructive. She has just it 30 and aged so much over the last couple of years. It saddens me because under her hard exterior is a damaged and fragile woman. I hate that I could not stop her from making these mistakes. That I could not fix her. We were at a stage where everthing was going so well and we had two wonderful kids. Why could I not see the sadness inside her?

jeaux90 Sat 11-Nov-17 21:06:03

Some people are not fixable. And we certainly can't fix them. We can only help them if they help themselves.

I was with a narcissist and after I left him there were times when I felt really sorry for him. Mainly because he will never know the love of his wonderful daughter and that he hates himself so much.

I think our empathy comes from the view of forgiveness, that what they did to us wasn't about us. It was about them, and that to hate yourself and to destroy what you have is just so very sad.

You have to focus on you, on your kids on your job. That's what's important now.

Amme1234 Sat 11-Nov-17 23:01:28

I loved someone like this, my heart still breaks for him everyday but the more i loved him the more he hated me because he didn't see himself as lovable. I didn't fail him, he was just not capable of loving me, his children, anyone.

1DAD2KIDS Sat 11-Nov-17 23:28:27

That's is sad but I think she can't be fixed. It's sad because dispite her faults I miss her. We shared so much together and there was a time when i would give the world for her. But she is not capable of a healthy relationship and i would not want her back now, mine and the kids life is better without her crazy. In many ways I suppose there was a few unhealthy things in our relationship. That resonates jeaux90 abput it all being about them. Bless her I think she gave it a good go to be a normal wife etc but she's not cut out for it. I just hope she finds some sort of peace/happiness. I did try my best with that difficult woman.

I hate that is has destroyed my faith in some of what I though about love. About it being unconditional, indestructible and it always winning in the end. I used to believe in that crap.

CharlieFoxtrotEtch Sat 11-Nov-17 23:47:53

Some of us need calm to counteract our crazy.
I was a very devoted wife. Loved the bones of him.
But I never would have cheated, or left him.
He walked away free a couple of small disagreements. He acted like I was an abuser, but the reality was different.
When I read your posts, I wish I’d had the unrequited love that you clearly did. Richer or poorer. In sickness and health.
Women aren’t all the same.
Most of us believe in marriage, and would fight for it.
You will find someone who appreciates you. Who loves you back. Who will be what you need.
She is not.

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