He won't talk to me

[kiki69]

Hi I'm really sorry to bore you all, but I'm desperate for some advice and perspective with situation I'm dealing with at the moment, as I really don't know what to do.
Been with my partner 10 years we got 7 year old child together. Things haven't been great for a while. Around 2 years ago he started to act really weird, very withdrawn, no interaction, not showing interest in anything. After few months of hell he admitted that he is depressed. He went to Gp and started antidepressants but refused any kind of therapy and did not make any changes with his lifestyle, no exercise, quite unhealthy diet, topping it up with lots of alcohol (mainly at the weekends). Anyway pills kicked inn and things got better, he was more himself. Fast forward to few moths ago I noticed his mood started to sinking again, not terribly but noticeable. Anyway I discovered he was taking one pill every few days, once a week. He was basically dosing it himself. He was very cool about it and said that he takes it whenever he feel he needs one.... and it works for him. short after that, the cycle started again he started to ignore me, being withdrawn, completely useless at home etc. On top of that I think he started drinking even more. I honestly thought it's depression , he's overtired and need some space etc, I encourage him to take him pills regularly etc. Few weeks ago we went on holiday with his family, it was truly dreadful for me. I was ignored by him and I think everybody could see this. he didn't talk to me if he didn't really have to. I think during whole week he spoke to me directly maybe 10 times, all in single sentence e.g. Do you want coffee? We leaving in 10 etc. The word part was he was absolutely fine with everyone else, joking, talking normally interacting etc.
We came home and this behaviour continued. At the weekend I couldn't take it any more and we started to talk. It quickly transpired he wanted to leave as it's "been a lot on his mind lately" "we just annoy each other, holidays clearly showed we don't get along, I'm not happy and blaming on him lack of career (absolutely not true) I'm basically shit mother etc. I was devastated, suggested counselling or just to try things somehow. It was declined. His word "counselling would only prolong things, I don't think I can change etc. It's pretty clear he doesn't fancy me anymore, probably doesn't love me, never seen him so cold, he wasn't even looking at me. It seems to me like he wants me to disappear. I just told him to think about this and let me know when he will make his mind up on what he wants to do. Anyway I'm devastated been crying for these few past days more then ever, but know I'm getting really angry at the way he is treating me. I feel such a fool and doormat. I approached the subject tonight asked him if he thought about it and did he make his mind up. Well no, and that was it, wasn't even looking at me. I'm pretty sure his objective is to worn me down so much so I will finally say ok I be got enough I want out and I will leave... (which I'm very close to do) and his problem disappear. I would never suspect myself that I will take so much crap from anyone and I truly don't know how I ended up letting him treat me like that. I don't know when he turned into this horrible selfish, cruel person and I really don't know if I can take it anymore. I really need some advice and perspective on this because I'm going crazy, and not sure how long I can do it. I did not expect this to be so long, thanks for reading.

[Viviennemary]

Can't you ask him to leave. If he's the one wanting to end the relationship I think he should be the one to leave. He obviously doesn't want to make a go of things and he is being selfish in that he thinks if he behaves badly enough then you'll be the one asking him to leave. So his conscience can be clear.

It can't be a very happy situation for anyone. But don't just hang on hoping things will change. Is he under stress at work? But don't you be the one to leave your home. Why should you. Hope things improve soon.

[kiki69]

Thanks for your reply. Next day after our conversation I suggest that it might be good idea for him staying with relative for time being, until he clear his head and decide how he want to go forward, because it's not very pleasant living like that. He didn't acknowledge this, the only thing he made a bit more effort around our dc to act normally. But because he hates confrontations he almost completely ignores me. It is truly horrendous, I feel like I can't breathe when he's around, but I don't think he leave the house, I'm pretty sure if he would be gone if that was his plan. I m almost certain he will try to make me leave.

[kiki69]

And yes I he's work is fairly stressful. He doesn't sleep well (few hours a night max) so he's permanently exhausted and it seems like everything it s just too much for him, think shopping as too many people stress him, every little things, recently it feels like he's constantly on the edge.

[springydaffs]

Gosh that sounds like hell Kiki

Regardless of the stress he's under it looks like he is abusing you emotionally. Ignoring you is a form of emotional abuse.

The kids will be suffering under this hellish roof

I'm sorry it's quite hard to follow your posts bcs there are no paragraphs and a lot of info - can you use paragraphs from now on?

I feel for you. Have a look at this when I googled 'silent treatment as a form of abuse'

[onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad]

This is emotional and mental cruelty and his treatment of you is abusive.

I don't see why you should leave - whatever you do don't leave ... you need to see a solicitor and tell him to go - the marriage is over. He sounds awful.

[PNGirl]

He needs to take the antidepressants regularly otherwise he will not become more consistent and balanced in his thought processes. They are not paracetamol! I'm sure you know this.

I don't really know what you can do but I would keep pressing him to leave, even temporarily. You are not in a great position not being married. Who owns the house?

[kiki69]

Hi, thank you for all you responses, it's mean a lot. I almost started to think it's all my fault.
I don't have anyone in real life, who would believe me and take it seriously.
We moved here 5 years ago to be closer to some of his family. They are nice people but absolutely besotted with him - hard working, nice, quiet, lovely calm person.
I have few friends, but it's the same story - all the time I hear how cool and lovely and handsome he is and how lucky I am because he's making good money, so I don't have to worry about money - which is absolutely not true. I don't have access to his money, never had. It's been really hard for me when we moved here first as I left my job behind and wasn't able to find new locally, that would fit with the childcare. It was awful He would not give me any money (unless I specifically asked eg I need 5 pounds to take ds to soft play - then 5 pounds would land on my account, but nothing else.)
Since then I manage to improve my financial position, setting up freelance business and working around nursery/school hours. I started from literally zero now making around 400 - 1000 pounds a month. (Depends on the month) still doing 100% of childcare and housework as I'm working from home mostly and have great flexibility. My plan was carrying it on for the next few years, do some additional training in meantime, and be back in full time employment, commuting back to London while ds is older.
Answering your questions house is in both names - both names on the mortgage, but he pays most of the bills.
I made appointments with solicitor but have. To wait two weeks to being seen.
I do realise my position is not great ( that was of the reason why I felt bit resentful towards him in the past)
I have no pension, no saving and no job security while he s got healthy salary, good pension plan and around 20k in savings.

[fuzzywuzzy]

Are you sure he hasn’t got someone else?

He sounds really horrible.

I wouldn’t leave the house either and certainly not without getting enough at least fifty percent of the equity in the house.

You might find you are better off if he leaves as you can apply for child maintenance.

[springydaffs]

So you're not married? That's a shame if so.

He is an abuser, you are in an abusive relationship. He is abusing and controlling you. Sadly, most abusers are wonderfully charming to the rest of the world...

Do contact Women's Aid - either 24/7 helpline 0808 2000 247 (but call overnight if you can (?) as lines busy during the day, sadly) or try your local WA office during office hours - leave a message with contact details and a safe time to call.

Tell your gp what is happening, get this on record.

Do the Freedom Programme at your earliest opportunity - it will open your eyes and you'll meet some great people and get first class support.

You are not alone with this. There are hoards of us been through this. You seem very strong and canny, you'll get through this and out the other side

[MorrisZapp]

Your friends might think he's handsome but they won't think he's cool or lovely any more when you tell them how you're living, and how financially fucked this guy has left you.

Tell people. Make it real. I'm sorry but your relationship sounds like it's over, but it's through no fault of your own.

[kiki69]

Fuzzywuzzy I have no way of knowing if there is someone else. Funny enough I would not think he is the person who would do that, but I would not be surprised as all signs are there. He completely went off sex with me some time ago and always was quite eager. I suspected few months ago he developed crush on one of my friend as she's lovely sporty, boubly - opposite of me. Don't think he did something about it. But I really don't know much about his life nowadays. And Year he's very protective of his phone.

And no we not married.

[springydaffs]

And BTW you're not boring anybody.

As for let me know when he will make his mind up on what he wants to do. - no, you make YOUR mind up what YOU want to do. Don't wait for this horrid abusive man to decide what he wants, playing with you like a cat with a mouse. So cruel.

Wait the two weeks for the lawyer - you should get the first half hour free - and find out what you're entitied to when you split. I say 'when' bcs that's your only option.

You're not the first and won't be the last to find yourself in a relationship you never thought you would tolerate - you, me and millions of others. It's not you, it's him.

[Olikingcharles]

He is not only being emotionally abusive to you. He is also being financially abusive. My ex husband was exactly the same i had to account for all monies spent of any he allowed me to have. Even took my wages, yes i know i was stupid to allow it to happen. Fifteen years i put up with it, along with other abuse, before walking. I will never allow myself ever to rely on a man for my financial security ever again. Get out now he won't change what's more it doesn't sound like he wants to either. Good luck and hugs.

[hollowtree]

I'm so sorry OP, this all sounds horrible.

If I could offer any advice I would say take back control. That can be hard when you are in a position like this (which is not your fault) and also you still clearly love and care for this man, showing him kindness and patience as you are which is admirable.

But you need to show yourself the same love and kindness! Take back control, call the shots. If he ignores you, that's his problem. You're better than that and have better things to do than pander to his ever increasing needs!

I hope for the best for you OP.

[kiki69]

You don't ever realised how much your replies mean to me. I'm under no illusion that my situation is unique or special in any way. I just don't know how I'm gonna go through it.
I don't want to end up bitter.

[Gemini69]

Do not leave your family home Kiki69... He has to leave.. and he must leave soon.. he's draining the happy out of your life... this is no way for your DC to live let alone you lady ..

I'd make an action plan to get him 'moved out' as soon as you can... and start looking at the positives in your life

[kiki69]

I guess Im finding it really hard to let go as I don't have anyone else. I been on my own without family support since I'm 18. I have only sister who lives in different country. So when I met him it was quite refreshing to feel again as part of family ( his family is lovely). Where we live I have no one, just few not very close friends.

[ferrier]

One step at a time kiki.
See the solicitor and work out what your options are.
Gather together what you need to move forward.
Keep strong for you and dc.
Think about widening your circle of friends when you've got your head round how to separate.

[Quartz2208]

Yes see a solicitor.

Do not leave its as much you house as he is. Is there a way you can move to a spare room.

Other than that I think you are just going to have to take back control and try not to let it bother you

[kiki69]

I'm trying to move forward, but truly dreading coming weekend. I would love to take ds somewhere and just go for the weekend and not to be around him, but have nowhere to go.

[springydaffs]