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Relationship advice

(5 Posts)
Janeale Sat 04-Nov-17 20:26:43

I started a new job this year, which was a big transition for me. I met him at work, we have regular catch ups over coffee or lunch, he has always been there offering advice and support. It seemed quite natural that we worked closely together. We were always at the same meetings, same visits and that's when we started travelling together. It was a great way for us to catch up on work and discuss who will lead on what, etc. Then we became friends, sharing aspects of our personal self as it felt comfortable. He knew what was my caffeine fix, we read each other's minds, we always seem to be on the same page. And then it happened, after one of our visits, when we were going our separate ways, he hugged me. It felt warm, secure and comforting. We soon started meeting up after work in the pub where we'd share a bottle of wine and a laugh. We enjoyed each other's company. I applied for a job on promotion. He knew how much it meant to me so didn't apply. I was gutted when I didn't get it, to the extent that I started sobbing at the station after I left the office. The promotion represented a lot of things and I felt like a failure at that moment. Yet the only person I could speak to about this was him. He wasn't even nearby, but 200 miles away, but wrote me the most beautiful email, which were followed by text messages as I didn't want speak to him - he would hear the tears in my voice. We have been out together regularly for dinner, coffee or drinks, where we share so much together - again we always seem to be on the same page. We enjoy being in each other's company.

Yet, life is complicated. We are both in relationships that are not perfect. I've been in a relationship with someone for 17 years who I have a DD with. We don't love each other, we have separate bedrooms and whenever we have an argument, there are periods of silence that can last for months which makes life lonely. Instead of doing something about it, I drown myself in my work and my DD so that I don't think about my failed relationship. I haven't had an intimate relationship in four years, which includes any touching. We all exist in the same house, leading separate lives.

He has been with his partner for awhile, but I know there have been doubts which I've challenged him on as I explained that love involves a little compromise on either side so that there could be a shared goal or purpose.

I decided to be brave and told him that I liked him more than I should but wanted to be honest with him as I valued our friendship. He appreciated my honesty. He didn't declare his feelings, I wasn't expecting him to. However, when hugged me goodbye, he kissed the tears on my face, saying that "he wished things were different". Different because he is gay.

I haven't seen him in over two weeks, I've been away on holiday with my DD. Yet, we spoke to each other every day, sharing photos, texts and stories that brought us closer together.

He has inspired me to write poetry again, something I haven't done in 20 years. I'm unsure what to do or think. What he has done is given me the confidence to leave my relationship. I may not have a relationship with him, but I want to be free to love someone, to move on with my life.

I've read similar threads to mine with useful advice, would your advice now.

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 04-Nov-17 20:34:17

You can and would be happier if you ended your current relationship. It's not good for any of you to stay, especially your daughter.

You can be happy again. What he does about his relationship is up to him and you can still be friends.

Take this opportunity to work out what you really want for yourself and your life and set yourself free.

beesandknees Sat 04-Nov-17 20:37:12

It sounds like he loves you or at least cares very much for you, in a platonic way. That is something special, of course.

He is gay, and he had a chance to tell you he was romantically interested and he did not. It sounds like he is trying to let you know that he doesn't love you like that.

It sounds like his love and support has shown you how much you are giving up by remaining with your DDs dad. But he himself is a red herring (in terms of having a relationship with him). What he's made clear to you is what you are missing out on.

What could you do to begin working towards ending your current relationship?

You can't live in a fantasy of a love life with a gay man. You need to take real steps in real life to end your relationship so that you are free to find a partner who loves you like your friend does, but with that romantic or sexual dimension.

What do you want to do next?

Janeale Sat 04-Nov-17 20:50:01

I've made a definite step by putting in a bid for my own place, which is a big step as it means moving on. I'm realistic to know that there will be no relationship between us, it's just really sad that the first time that I've allowed myself to love someone that it has to be with him.

Janeale Sat 04-Nov-17 22:12:10

Fairly new so replied in the wrong place, see message posted. Thanks for your advice.

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