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One sided love marriage

(18 Posts)
PickledLemons Sat 04-Nov-17 13:25:13

This is my first time posting here, so please bare with me whilst I get to grips with all the abbreviations!

A little background history first, got married when I was 17 ( shock I know), been married for 10 years now and have 2 DCs. My DH adores me and treats me amazingly and crazily in love with me. A fantastic father and DCs adore him. It is a bit cliché but I am so lucky to have him. It breaks him when he sees me cry and would move heaven and earth to make me okay.

There is only one problem. I don't feel the same love he has for me. I don't know what is wrong with me. I wasn't crazy about him when we first got married either but I was young and naive and thought perhaps I would eventually fall in love with him. Sex is okay, I don't really get turned on by him even if he does all the right things. I do it just so we can have some intimacy and can't wait for it to be over.

We do have talks about this and I have gently told him that I know that he loves me more than I love him and that he is attached to me more than I am to him. It has upset him. He thinks that I may find someone else since I don't feel strongly about him. It hurts me to see him upset and hurt because I do care about him. I can already see what some of our talks can do to him I can only imagine what it would do to him if I told him I no longer wanted to be with him.

I don't want to feel this way but I can't help it. I know that I probably will never find someone who loves me the way he does. There are times when me and DCs go away to my sister's and I don't miss him so much. He calls me every evening when I'm away but I could go on for days without needing to hear his voice.

If we were to get a divorce it won't be so easy without family poking their nose in and trying to mediate between us and get us back together. Not to mention that divorce is hugely frowned upon in my culture. I also think about were he would live, I don't think he could afford it. It would also come as a complete shock to all our friends and family because we seem like the 'perfect couple' and crazily in love with each other. Only they don't know that deep down I'm hiding my real emotions.

This isn't something that has just popped up all of a sudden, I have been getting these feelings so many times over the years but I keep supressing them and thinking about all his positives and the love he has for me and hate myself for being such an ungrateful woman. I keep telling myself that it will pass and as we get older I will learn to appreciate him more and maybe 'love' isn't everything? sad

I posted this here but I don't know what I'm expecting. To let it all out maybe? Or perhaps so someone can put some sense into me and wave a magic wand and make me fall in love. Or maybe it's normal to feels this way? I don't know but all your input would be appreciated.

FellOutOfBed2wice Sat 04-Nov-17 13:40:25

This sounds hard OP. Was it an arranged marriage? Did you want to get married?

MrsSiba Sat 04-Nov-17 13:45:11

That sounds really complicated.

You've already tried to talk to him but not sure what this will achieve? It is clearly you who needs to work out how you feel and what your marriage is worth to you. But it's clear you are conflicted. Do you want to divorce him and lead a different life either as a single mum or find someone new? You were so young when you married you didn't have much chance of any life experience. In the nicest way are you a bit bored, need a fresh focuse or challenge? Do you and your husband do much together?

From your use of the term 'love marriage' am I right I thinking you are of Indian/Pakistan descent?

PickledLemons Sat 04-Nov-17 14:06:48

It wasn't arranged, but I did get to know him through a family friend. I was attracted to him to begin with and he ticked all 'the right boxes', we got along and he made me laugh. But there were no 'butterflies' and I just assumed there didn't have to be.

MrsSiba Yes a similar culture to Pakistani. I always thought I was bored and kept trying new things. I went to college got my qualifications and I'm now in uni full time. You're right I haven't experienced life and it is something only I can truly make the decision.

The reason for wanting to leave him is not so I can find someone else but I don't want to be a single mum for ever either. Sometimes I wish he would do something so terrible that I could just end it. We do have occasional weekends together without DCs and date night once every 2/3 weeks.

Dadaist Sat 04-Nov-17 14:30:12

This isn’t as complicated as you think it is. Esentiallly you feel so secure you Stopped getting those butterflies a long time ago while he is always trying to win your love and affection. He just needs to strike out and find himself and pay a bit less attention to your happiness and a bit more to his own. Once you start to wonder if you make him happy too - you’ll remember how it felt early on when you were in love with him. Ironically, we need degrees of seperation insecurity, longing and the opportunity to miss and appreciate one another in order to feel love. Personally - a few nights away enjoying life without you, activities outside the family, and some chance to gain self esteem is what I would recommend. But it can be easier said than done, because when we feel insecure we start to draw ourselves towards the person rather than away from them - which only pushes them further away from us.
So if you’ve got a good man who loves you and it was real for you in the past - then get him to read up on some male self improvement? It might keep you on your toes a bit more - which it sounds to me is what you could do with but cant ask for?

Dadaist Sat 04-Nov-17 14:32:55

Er - sorry op I thought I read that you were crazy about him once! I see now that this isn’t the case. Really tough I guess - although perhaps some of the above still applies?

Adviceplease360 Sat 04-Nov-17 14:35:54

Honesty, companionship, loyalty and decency are admirable traits. I definitely wouldn't split up your family. Look for separate hobbies and remember the grass is mever greener.

MrsSiba Sun 05-Nov-17 00:04:59

That's true, grass isn't always greener.

Maybe try to think about the positives in your relationship as you may have been focussing too much on the negatives. Is he good, kind, honest, faithful? What is it you think is lacking and how can you try to build that in?

Good luck OP x

Myheartbelongsto Sun 05-Nov-17 00:25:08

I can't believe some of the advice given here.

I'm sorry op but you deserve to be happy!

Cricrichan Sun 05-Nov-17 00:29:36

You were a child when you got married! No wonder you've grown up and realised that you never had the right feelings for him. it's ashame your family didn't encourage you to grow up and study and live life a little before you settled down.

Anyway, you're still incredibly young so if you don't have the right feelings for your husband and you're grinning and bearing having sex with him etc, then for both your sakes, leave or it'll destroy you.

HeebieJeebies456 Sun 05-Nov-17 15:03:22

You were a child when you got married!

.....and yet there are plenty of caucasian 17 year old's getting pregnant and becoming mothers - and it's considered 'normal' and 'acceptable' and they get given support hmm

OP, i come from a pakistani culture which would ideally have all girls married off as soon as they hit 16.
I refused an arranged marriage, i didn't see the point in getting married at all.
I'm 37 now and still unmarried and loving life.

Dealing with the 'fall out' of my decision hasn't been and still isn't easy, but the fact that i'm financially independent and not living close to them/under their roof makes it so much easier to deal with/ignore.

I've no doubt you family will try to interfere with your decision to leave - but you don't have to allow them that power.
You only have to tell them once that your decision is made and it's final and that you won't discuss it with them, or have a 'family meeting' about it.
Then you just put the phone down/walk out of the room/avoid contact if they refuse to respect that.

All you need to ensure is that you can manage financially without having to rely on him or them for support - because they will use that to their advantage or to give you a hard time.
Your dh will be hurt and he can quite easily turn nasty - especially as he will be feeling like he's been made a 'fool' of or 'lost face'.

You made a silly decision when you were 17 but you don't have to spend the rest of your life living like this.
You deserve a happy, fulfilled life.....and no amount of money or 'happy families' will give you that if you are not emotionally 'connected'.

I suggest you get all your ducks in a row first by making sure you have the finances needed to pay living costs etc before you tell him it's over.
Do you want to remain living where you are? He might refuse to move out which means either living together whilst the divorce gets sorted or you move out with the make sure you've enough money for a new rental just in case.

Do you have friends you can discuss this with and get help from?
There are lots of asian women's charities who will be able to give you support too - even if it's just listening and advice on practical issues.
You are going to need support from 'outside' your circle though if your family feel differently about this.

loui5a Sun 05-Nov-17 21:59:44


PickledLemons Mon 06-Nov-17 19:26:31

I know the grass MAY not be greener however right now all I know is that I am not happy.

Thank you for your support. I feel like I'm suffocating. All my life I'm trying to put others first. More than anything I've been keeping it together for the sake of my kids, they're so attached to him.
Financially I'm not worried, tenancy is under my name so I wouldn't have to move out.

It's not something that will happen over night. But I think I will have to break it to him soon. I think he also deserves to be with someone who will reciprocate his love. sad

Cricrichan Mon 06-Nov-17 20:50:19

Exactly. All the best op xx

Maxstress3 Mon 06-Nov-17 21:42:27

In my first 10 years of marriage I must have felt exactly as you do. The stress of work, young kids and family life was taking its toll on all of us. Many times I also thought of calling it a day and like you he has always loved me more than I him. Looking back now after 22 years of marriage I can only say I'm so glad I kept on going. It gets easier and you begin to ignite that romance again. Your husband obviously loves you dearly and you also care for him don't throw it away. Good luck

betsyarlene Mon 06-Nov-17 22:01:52

I feel exactly the same as you right now and in the same situation.

'I feel like I'm suffocating. All my life I'm trying to put others first. More than anything I've been keeping it together for the sake of my kids, they're so attached to him. '

This 100%. Our son is 4 and I only want to do whats best for him but I feel as if I'm living a lie and it's eating away at me day after day. I just want us all to be happy. It's so hard to make a decision sad I hope you can do what's best for you x

PickledLemons Tue 07-Nov-17 06:27:35

maxstress3 I’m glad you got through it. But what if after 22 years I still feel the same? The longer we stay married the harder it will be to end it.

betsy sending hugs your way. I hope things work out for you x

Maxstress3 Tue 07-Nov-17 07:00:43

I think the fact that you're also at uni can be a factor. You're seeing other young students enjoying life and you're coming back to a life of pressure, juggling a young family?

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