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Concerned our relationship is going down some kind of dead end

(21 Posts)
Elikan Tue 31-Oct-17 20:32:52

I don't think my partner finds me attractive any more. I have put on a lot of weight in the 3 years since we met. He has also gained a bit of weight, not as much as me. Neither of us were slim, I'm now quite fat. I've still got a pretty face, I wear nice clothes. But I am conscious of my size.

There is very little intimacy in our relationship. He's had a really awful year, major health issues, loss, redundancy. I've always thought there was more to relationships than the physical but I am concerned. He's not raised it. I haven't. It's like a huge elephant in the room we're both skirting around.

MyBrilliantDisguise Tue 31-Oct-17 20:34:02

Would you be interested in becoming fitter together? Do you think there's enough left in your relationship if you were both fitter?

Elikan Tue 31-Oct-17 20:43:19

I have started and stopped diets, well not even diets but saying I'll make sure I'm eating healthy food, moderate portions, I do a few days then I'm troughing chocolate like there's no tomorrow.

He can't do much physical exercise at the moment, I think he is also depressed (certainly he's very low although that's understandable) so I don't want to force him into exercise. It's also why I've not made a big to do about the intimate side of things. I guess if I knew that he still found me attractive I'd be less worried, but as it is I don't know and worry my weight gain is a problem for him and therefore us.

Elikan Tue 31-Oct-17 20:53:34

I feel very lacking in confidence in my own attractiveness. I have considered trying to initiate something but fear being rebuffed. I'd feel crushed.

Elikan Tue 31-Oct-17 21:35:43

Anyone have any advice?

Aperolspritzer123 Tue 31-Oct-17 21:44:42

OP my advice would be to start thinking about how to make yourself feel better first. I'm not necessarily saying lose weight or whatever if you are happy with yourself, however it sounds like you're not. Whatever it is that you do I think it has to come from you - I think you need to change the dynamic of your relationship which will inject something new in....? That's what I'd do anyway. Make yourself feel better first and hopefully the rest will follow

Elikan Tue 31-Oct-17 22:22:11

I'm not happy with myself at the moment that's true. But how I feel abput myself is quite interlinked with how he feels about me.

I wouldn't know where to start changing our relationship dynamic if I'm honest.

Elikan Tue 31-Oct-17 23:42:48

Maybe I just give up on all of it.

LineysRun Tue 31-Oct-17 23:47:36

I think if you're an emotional eater, you need to look at that first tbh.

Do you live with your partner? Sometimes it's easier doing the big changes on your own, rather than together. Sometimes not. Depends on the dynamic.

But food and emotional well being are very much linked. And I'm sorry you feel down. flowers

Santawontbelong Tue 31-Oct-17 23:49:33

Similar circumstances to you. I got myself a personal trainer and joined a gym. Motivated myself and it has slowly motivated my dh to be more health aware also.

Otterturk Tue 31-Oct-17 23:50:37

In your position I would get fit, exercise, build my confidence and enjoy the exercise endorphins. You'll be healthier and happier and it may also improve your relationship.

kjhh Tue 31-Oct-17 23:59:07

I’ve been in the same boat... have you spoken to your partner about it? I’ve put so much weight on in the four years we’ve been together and I’m definitely overweight. Our bedroom situation was pretty much non existent but my sex drive was higher than ever! After talking to my partner it turns out that he isn’t confident as he’s put weight on too, and that’s what puts him off sex. We’ve managed to work through it together - really trying to organise how we’re going to get fitter and support each other. I’ve learnt to also be confident and love my body as it isn’t going to change overnight.... this is surprisingly sexy to my husband ;)

Be open and honest, you could both be feeling the same!!

Elikan Wed 01-Nov-17 00:08:13

Losing weight and getting fitter is going to be a process of months maybe more. To be acceptable BMI I have about 8st to lose.

I've not spoken to him about it. I know he is unhappy with his own appearance right now. I am fearful he'll say he doesn't find me attractive now ( which is probably obvious to anyone else, we don't have any intimacy for 6 or more months). Im not sure I want to hear him that because I don't know if once it's said there's any way forward.

kjhh Wed 01-Nov-17 00:12:51

Don’t worry hun I was in the same boat so I can completely understand.. I thought because the intimacy had gone he didn’t love me anymore and was so scared that one day he’d just break off with me because of how I looked...

The thing is though, I know how hard it can be to be confident when you don’t look like you want to, and you don’t get that attention from your partner, BUT - IF he did turn around and say he didn’t find you attractive anymore etc, that guy is a jackass. So what if you don’t look like you used to? He’s put weight on too! The right guy will love you no matter what you look like. Focus on finding ways to love yourself and I promise you you won’t need acceptance from anyone else. I thought the attention I craved would make me feel pretty and loved but really it was ME who made myself start feeling good again

Elikan Wed 01-Nov-17 08:54:52

Unfortunately how i feel about myself isn't great. I don't know how to improve that. I used to be confident years ago, but that got knocked out of me by online dating and shit relationships. Now I don't know where to start.

Other than that I don't think he is attracted to me any more

Vitalogy Wed 01-Nov-17 09:01:00

I agree about you getting fit together. Look at a change of lifestyle and healthy eating, not a diet.
Organic and unprocessed foods and loads of walking will sort things out. Best wishes.

kjhh Wed 01-Nov-17 09:31:25

Try doing things you enjoy to start losing weight - if you aren’t ready for the gym yet, start with walking every evening, or maybe join a slimming world if you need support and guidance? Remember that you aren’t alone in this, I’d love to have one of the bodies you see on Instagram but it’s just not realistic 😅

Myheartbelongsto Wed 01-Nov-17 09:48:57

Sounds to me like how attractive he sees you is how attractive you see yourself.

Elikan Wed 01-Nov-17 10:28:55

He can't really do any exercise, certainly not walking. I can go walking but I am struggling for motivation, especially now it's dark by the time I leave work let alone get home. I've tried slimming clubs but i don't feel they work for me, i end up fatter in the long run.

I an very conscious he doesn't compliment me much anymore. Hes not interested in kissing me or more. But i can't change how I look or feel overnight.

kjhh Wed 01-Nov-17 10:33:26

Of course, it won’t happen overnight BUT so what if he can’t do exercise etc... you shouldn’t be doing it for him, or him doing it for you. If you WANT to lose this weight you will, you need motivation! I’m sorry Hun but he should not be your motivation. You need to stop thinking you’ll get self acceptance when he wants you because that isn’t how it works. You are the only person who will benefit from losing weight and gaining back your confidence. He seems lazy and uninterested and you don’t deserve that x

CoyoteCafe Wed 01-Nov-17 11:51:58

Could you walk during your lunch time? Perhaps someone you work with would like to go as well? The sunshine would do you good.

I had really let myself go due to being too busy, but I'm now losing weight and getting in shape. I'm still overweight, but I feel so much better and have so much more energy now that I'm eating healthy, exercising, and have lost some of the weight. It isn't an all or nothing thing. You don't have to lose all 8 stone to get benefits and feel better.

There's a book called "The Beck Diet Solution" that has helped me become consistent instead of doing the on and off diet thing I did for years. It is cognitive behavioral therapy for eating. The exercises in it change the way you think about food and eating.

how I feel abput myself is quite interlinked with how he feels about me

Start letting go of that. Start noticing all the good things about yourself and valuing them. You are worthy of love and belonging. Talk to yourself in a loving way.

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