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New boyfriend, I have BPD

(24 Posts)
callmehannahbaker Sat 28-Oct-17 16:19:59

I wasn't sure whether to put this in relationships or mental health but think I'd like opinions in general.

I've recently started seeing someone-been single for around 18 months-saw a few guys the first 6 months (rebound sex) then no one since until the new man.

It was meant to be a ONS (met on tinder-both straight up on what we wanted), turned out we got on so well it has gone on and we've got together and fallen in love.
It has been fast - most BPD relationships are unfortunately, the only thing is is that I'm not controlling this one. I'm actually being me rather than manipulative me.

I'm so worried for when I'm bad though that I'm ruining it. He's an optimist, I'm me and waiver between such highs and lows that I know I'm going to put him off.

Is the best bet to fully explain BPD (he is aware I have it-would not let someone get close without warning them), and hope he'll understand?

I feel home around him, it's only my illness that makes me worry and I really don't want to sabotage it.

Holdtightdontletgo Sat 28-Oct-17 16:23:54

Sorry for the confusion, is nod borderline personality disorder or bi polar?

Holdtightdontletgo Sat 28-Oct-17 16:24:22

*BPD I mean

MiniTheMinx Sat 28-Oct-17 16:30:05

I assume he can Google, you've told him, he's free to look up BPD.

In what ways have you sabotaged past relationships? Have you received therapy? Do you take meds? How old are you?

It is possible to learn from past mistakes, DBT is said to be very effective, anti-convulsants have had excellent results for some people, and from what I've seen in work and with a couple of friends is that sometimes symptoms become more manageable in their late 30s.

CredulousThickos Sat 28-Oct-17 16:35:42

I think you should tell him more about it, definitely.

It’s a bit of a toxic diagnosis, I find, and people who’ve heard of it tend to think of the worst cases. So tell him how it affects you and how he can help you when you’re at your worst.

You sound self aware, which is great and half the battle. Are you able to distance, distract, communicate and challenge your emotions when they happen? Mine is mostly managed these days after lots of therapy, I rarely meltdown anymore and I’m able to combat paranoia and feeling like DH and friends are about to leave me etc by taking time out and recognising that these are just thoughts. Mostly, anyway.

I’ve been with DH for 11yrs now (also a ONS that never ended 😂) and it’s the only relationship I’ve ever had where I haven’t pushed him away, scared him off or had constant screaming rows. I think when you’re with the right person it just falls into place.

callmehannahbaker Sat 28-Oct-17 17:52:23

Sorry if I miss anything out.

I am 32, borderline personality disorder, 2 x inpatient, take antipsychotics, antidepressants, benzodiazepines and mood stabilisers.

Had intensive dbt for 2 years, now awaiting funding to become a peer supporter as I've apparently done '10 years of work on myself in 2 years'.

I am the healthiest I've ever been

I sabotage through rejection fear (constant texting), paranoia, jealousy etc. I occasionally still drink to excess which I shouldn't (I'm fine when drinking-it's the next day that's the issue).

I would rather he didn't just google. Articles on BPD are awful. I AM a nice person, according to google that is impossible.

MiniTheMinx Sat 28-Oct-17 18:34:25

You've done really well.

Do you feel that you could tell him what you have told us?

I understand that some people can push others away to preempt rejection. I think it's probably good to explain this. It can leave others feeling devastated and confused. Maybe explain to him what you need from him in order to feel safe.

The mentoring and teaching skills to others shows how far you've come, well done.

DancingLedge Sat 28-Oct-17 18:47:45

Would showing him this thread be a good start?
You come across as a likeable person who has achieved a lot.

It seems like a good idea to give him some information. From you, not Google.

AllRightNowInFactItsAGas Sat 28-Oct-17 18:54:20

callme I understand your condition because a close relative has it.

I think it would be best if he could spend some time doing some research on how he could best help support you when something triggers your condition. Would he read a couple of books on the condition? There are also forums for partners and relative who can learn more about BPD with support from others in a similar position. I found these very helpful for me to support and relate to my relative in a way which did not trigger them emotionally.

You sound like you have a good understanding of where you are and the possible pitfalls and are doing well with this. If he is worth investing in a future with he will learn what you need at your end from the relationship.

I wish you well and I hope he is on board with learning about this as you have taken the time to understand yourself and deserve the support and understanding from a partner.

Mijmoj Sat 28-Oct-17 19:00:40

Hey there

I have bpd!! And in a relationship for last 4 years we also met on tinder and it all went really fast. I told him at first that I had it explained it to him as best I could and showed him what they official diagnosis was from mind.com and he was really supportive but shocked at first.

I waited maybe 3 months to tell him and he did say he wished I said earlier also said he usually dates people with mental health issues but 4 years later we are still going strong really compliment each other and had a breakdown maybe 9 months into the relationship and he was really supportive.

I think people think ppl with bpd canthave successful relationships but they really can I think we have the ability to love more than usual people.

I also just began my dbt sessions when i first met him and he really encouraged me to go to my lessons cos as you know they are really draining.

Hope this helps
And good luck xx

eyeswideshit Sat 28-Oct-17 19:05:13

I have bpd and definitely not stable enough for a relationship and have sabotaged ones in the past.

Firstly I'm so happy for you that you feel so good and healthy.

My advice would be to know your triggers; and let him know too. Be aware of yourself and the reasoning behind your actions. And don't give up the personal time and space you need to regulate yourself iyswim.

Hope it all goes well for you.

Justoneme Sat 28-Oct-17 19:05:24

Just enjoy yourself... at least you are being honest about your BPD and you recognise the signs when you are playing games.

X

callmehannahbaker Sat 28-Oct-17 21:18:03

I've basically messaged this thread... said about my triggers etc.

2 minutes later I got:

"Babe just try not to worry too much if I don't message back straight away xxx I'm eating my tea now xxx will text you and read it properly once ** is in bed. All is fine xxx"

He gets it I think smile

callmehannahbaker Sat 28-Oct-17 21:34:24

I know that doesn't make it all perfect.

He understood how to reply for now though and that is a huge thing with me.

It is so scary to be in love again. I so don't want to ruin it.

Mrsjohnmurphy Sat 28-Oct-17 21:45:44

That sounds like a lovely reply, wishing you well. I think maybe I have this too, but can't even be arsed to try to explain it to a Dr.

Bombardier25966 Sat 28-Oct-17 22:05:03

Do you think that you might be texting him too much? His reply is lovely, but it does read a bit "chill out".

@callme, you sound like a gem. You're being open and honest and that is a good thing, and far better than him reading some of the awful stuff online. I hope no mental health professionals would suggest a client or their loved ones read up online.

Take care of yourself, and if you need some time to yourself or you're feeling overwhelmed talk to him, he sounds like a decent chap. Good luck xx

callmehannahbaker Sat 28-Oct-17 22:47:56

I constantly text too much. I'm awful.

With my old cpn we went through it and realised it was the lesser of many evils and I haven't found a strategy to not do it yet.

callmehannahbaker Sat 28-Oct-17 22:55:13

I've realised if I call him each night we end up in a 1-2 hour chat so it stops the texting for that time at least!!

I'm such a nightmare and don't deserve to be happy

DancingLedge Sat 28-Oct-17 23:02:07

You deserve to be happy.
Would posting here help?

You've come a long way. You can find a strategy.

MiniTheMinx Sat 28-Oct-17 23:22:00

You do deserve to be happy. I wasn't suggesting anyone should Google BPD, only that he could. Which is why it's better to explain how it effects you.

callmehannahbaker Sun 29-Oct-17 01:38:44

I think he's the one-I don't even believe in the one to be honest.

It feels like home. I don't have to pretend, he seems to accept it. He's not overjoyed-he said it might be a struggle. But. He wants to understand it.

What if I ruin it?

Isetan Sun 29-Oct-17 07:15:45

And so what if it goes tits up? Things going tits up is sometimes the price for putting yourself out there. There are plenty of people who sabotage relationship who don't have BPD. However, you know your triggers and therefore you have the opportunity to communicate them to your bf and to work on strategies to lessen thei impact of your worst impulses.

It's understandable that you're apprehensive but try and be as open as you can be with him whilst having outside support for when you need it.

Congratulations and enjoy.

MiniTheMinx Sun 29-Oct-17 11:04:35

It's true that lots of people have wobbles and self sabotage. I'm a perfectionist and have done this. I've also in the past tested someone's resolve and loyalty by pushing them away.

But in some ways you have the advantage of now being self aware. If you explain what you need from him to feel secure and he can and does want to provide this you are half way there. What you need to do is as the previous poster suggested, make certain you have outside support too. From my understanding a relationship with a BPD can be characterised with over dependency, because of attachment issues.

The other thing to consider is whether you have had therapy to address any early trauma that has effected your ability to have healthy attachments. Maybe also find some reading about attachment, what healthy relationships look and feel like and try to internalise a set of standards that you can apply. Such as your expectations, your limitations, your own boundaries, what behaviours are good and validate you, how much independence do people need, how much do you need......the list can go on, but try to be as precise as possible!

Mijmoj Sun 29-Oct-17 13:18:10

Yay so happy for u!!

That sounds like a nice response from him a genuine one!!

Dont worry about ruining it just enjoy it xx

Im quite clingy too..i think it means everything when person your with wants to understand whar your goin thru and from ur perspective x

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