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AIBU - problems from my past affecting new relationship

(11 Posts)
404yme Tue 17-Oct-17 18:40:24


Been with dp for two years and in many ways we have a great relationship. I am susceptable to depression and also having a very tough time with my ex over the kids and other things. DP has been very understanding but is now having a hard time with her own child and has said she can longer take hearing about my problems as well and that I need to deal with them in my own head if we are to have a future. Is this a reasonable thing for her to request? I know at times I can go on about the past a fair bit. Thanks

user1480334601 Tue 17-Oct-17 18:46:58

If she's having problems and having to focus on her own child I can kind of see where she's coming from if you talk about it alot.

Can you refer for counselling? That way you can talk your problems out with someone else who can help you put them in perspective etc and be clearer headed to enjoy your relationship

404yme Tue 17-Oct-17 20:34:36

I have just started counselling. I just cannot work out in my own mind how much support i should expect (if any) from dp.

CoyoteCafe Wed 18-Oct-17 02:48:49

It's tricky to pinpoint how much support one should get because it is somewhere between "none" and "constant." Right now, she needs to focus on her own child, so that's fair.

You said, " I know at times I can go on about the past a fair bit." To me, that sounds like you know that you get stuck on the past and talk about it and that it is too much. Working on that in therapy will hopefully get you to a place where you will be able to talk to a friend (or partner) some, without it becoming "constant."

Good luck!

GirlInASwirl Wed 18-Oct-17 03:00:48

I totally empathise OP. I too have had depression along with problems with a toxic Ex - not totally seven years worth of content. My partner too has been supportive.

In hindsight; it was not the best start to our relationship and I wish I had spent more time getting myself sorted before entering a new relationship. I just didn't want to be alone with my depression.

It is very hard for new partners when animosity from a previous relationship drags on - particularly if there are children involved. They offer support when in actual fact they just want to be enjoying the first flush of romance. I have every respect for your partner; who obviously wants to see you happy - imagine how your relationship would fly then.

Everyone;s capacity to help others can be reduced if they have their own stuff to deal with.

I approached a counsellor myself - they are very good with relationship debris. I would give your partner a break so that you can get on with nurturing the future.

Good Luck.

404yme Wed 18-Oct-17 07:31:37

Thank you so much user 1480330334601, Coyotecafe, and girlinaswirl.

Your advice and perspective on this is balanced, wise and of great use to me.

Girlinaswirl....your story could have been written about me! When I finally left my abusive marriage people said i needed ti find myself, be on my own for a while etc etc. Problem is I didn't know how that would help me as i was scared of being alone. I am living in the highlands of scotland 500 miles from home as this is where my ex wanted to live near her family. Although she is making it hard to see my kids, i cannot move away and leave them either. I met DP about 4 months after marriage ended and didn't expect to fall in love but we did. I am just scared my past will damage the relationship because if i was not so insecure our relationship would fly as well because she is a wonderful lady.

GirlInASwirl Wed 18-Oct-17 07:46:41

Yeah, being scared to be alone is common when you are struggling emotionally. It must be tempting to cut your loses and move away if trying to see your kids causes constant aggrivation. I would urge you not to do that though. My dad left when I was 15 after six years of wrangling with my mother. I have never been able to get over the rejection. Really it is better to keep trying - if nothing else; to be able to show them as adults that you did care and have been persistant. There will come a time when they will be able to make their own minds up whether to see you and legally your ex will can no say.

Your past need not damage your current relationship. It has to be accepted that there is conflict there without letting it dominate your time together. I tried doing half hour chats. It goes like this - I have something on my mind, I would like to talk about it for 30 mins. You talk solidly for 30 mins - then pack it away for the night.

What a bugger that you are thinking about how your new relationship could be damaged; rather than giving into the bliss of relaxing with another.

404yme Wed 18-Oct-17 08:06:55

Thanks girlinaswirl. Sadly my kids have been totaly poisened by my ex, however i agree with you that moving away is not the answer. I like the idea of the 30 minute chat ....i might suggest this.
Do you mind me long separated from your ex were you before you met your current dp?

GirlInASwirl Wed 18-Oct-17 08:18:06

It was very shortly after - can't remember exactly ..was nearly eight years ago. I split with my ex in December and we tried to share our joint property immediately after. It was all passive aggressive on my exes part and the tension was intolerable. I decided to move out because I didn't like the conflict around my son. I was in new partner's house by March/April. I travelled back and forth to see my son daily. Then he moved in with my new partner and I around 8 months later - when the relationship proved healthy and stable.

404yme Wed 18-Oct-17 08:40:51

That is a happy story. And is your depression all under control now, or does the black dog still come out?

GirlInASwirl Wed 18-Oct-17 08:48:48

Like many; it goes through periods when it is controlled and other times when I have to work hard to keep it in check. I think good, loving relationships are very healing though.

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