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Anyone had this with their man before, changed?

(14 Posts)
percypig2017 Thu 12-Oct-17 14:44:49

Hello,

I have been with my partner around 3 years now and something has changed between us. When we row and during a row, I feel I literally am losing my mind, I feel like I have lost my sense of control emotionally and that really scares me.

He is always the one who apologises here to tries to make it work with me afterwards which is good, but I am finding lately that I have lost my sense of confidence at the moment and sense of self esteem. He hates being critised but when I am its like he is so defensive the words he says are just flooring me. Then I get worse and it ends up in an awful nasty row....

I was not too well last year and this resulted in painful sex, so we kind of didnt really do anything physically for a while, we are just trying to get back on track and make things work again which is at times good physically but slow now. I feel though rejected at the moment because he is just not at all instigating anything.

Just lately I am feeling really insecure, wondering if its me or if its something else. He is sitting exams this week and whenever I am trying to say touch him or show signs of intimacy he says thats annoying or not to do this and that. Half way through the night he says he loves me, which is lovely dont get me wrong but then wants sex which feels like a control thing for me or I feel used because he is in the mood whereas after what he was like earlier I am not. This is why I am feeling slightly vulnerable as we speak. When we row, he says he doesnt know what makes me happy, I say I am just looking for someone to make me happy as everything else in my life is going well which is true, re work, family, health etc. He said thats an old cliche and I live in another world.

He works 12 hour days in Edinburgh and I work from home with our small child to look after too.

He was always the one chasing me for the first few years, now he is saying, well you use to never want it now you know what it feels like if I am stressed, its only this week I am really tired. However its happening pretty much every time I am close to him lately.

I just feel he is not genuine at the moment and I sense something is not right. We are speaking about having another child when in an argument he says well at the moment its about us not being stable you may not be able to cope with another one and I then feel awful.

I have a lovely male friend around me who truly adores me, he is about the same age and wants to see me more as a girlfriend he says he would treat me right, give me a lovely family but just doesnt earn as much which is true but he would give me that love I so deserve and want when it comes to a nice balanced relationship. We text everyday and I feel like he gives me that love and makes me feel good....he is hilarious too... I have known him for years and he is truly lovely. However giving up what I have scares me, but I am really tempted.

myself and my partner talk, but I never know what mood he will be in when he is stressed or what ridiculous comment he will come out with when we argue. I have never scared myself before when we have argued like I did last week. I seem to be living in constant fear here and maybe its just that, a fear of being alone and I have stated this to him and how worried and in fear I am but its not helping as when things like this happen, its like I have lost my sense of self....which cant be attractive I know.

So I go to the gym, see friends, then someone gives me attention and I think well others want me. He likes me to be at home when he gets in, his words and he mentions when we first dated I was not really into my work as such and I would give him a lovely smile, attention etc but now I am working more which is true as we have a bigger house, child etc...

Not sure what to do, there is more to it.

He tells me everyday he loves me, buys me flowers, dinner and helps pay bills pretty good with money and has a great job. But I am feeling like we have shifted, he has become this alpha male reminding me of a horrid ex and I have become somewhat submissive which is not like me. This has been since not been well and we had a temporary break of 3 weeks. Its the arguments.

...My worry is I may end up doing something I may regret as I am feeling I may do somewhere down the lines and then just leave because this other man does and would love me and look out for me too. Since spending more time with my male friend, its like he knows me inside out and I feel so me, like he doesnt care if I am having a moment or being silly, whereas my ex may bring something up which makes me think, I cant be myself at times. There is nothing worse than not being who you truly are, we use to be amazing together.....

I think its me who has changed since we had our child last year and also since I have felt a little powerless with my health too....its a horrible feeling and not sure what to do apart from building up my self confidence more.

xx

Yoksha Thu 12-Oct-17 15:19:19

He's gas-lighting, controlling and pulling you down. Educate yourself. Take back your power, but not through attention from someone at work.

percypig2017 Thu 12-Oct-17 15:21:04

Thank you, I was just thinking here I need to do more for me now to make me feel good about myself. .....ok thank you.

MoosicalDaisy Thu 12-Oct-17 15:26:22

As PP said, he's controlling and EAbusive towards you. Having said that you're also having an EAffair with this other guy. Your relationship as it stands is not good, and I think you need to part ways, figure things out for a few months then go from there. After you split do not rush in to anything, don't replace your current bf straight off, not a good move! Give yourself the time to build your confidence back up and make sure you're making the right decisions for you and your child.

percypig2017 Thu 12-Oct-17 15:29:14

Thank you, I think its more i have a fear of not coping alone as we have a child and a dog too and this scares me, as I have no support around me at the moment you see which is where I am all over the place....

LoverOfCake Thu 12-Oct-17 15:39:04

Sounds to me like you are trying to enhance the bad things he does so you can justify ultimately having an affair with your friend.

If a poster posted here that her husband was highlighting her bad points and then pointing out that he had a friend who wanted to sleep with him people would be telling her that he was making things worse so that when he sleeps with the OW he could justify it based on the things he'd said she'd done wrong.

Sometimes relationships change over time. If the spark of sex or the knowing when you do and don't want it has changed it can take time to get it back. And it may be that having been rejected previously he now doesn't feel like he only wants it on your terms iyswim.

You need to communicate though. If things are going wrong then you have every right to end the relationship. But doing so because some bloke down the road is promising you the earth isn't the way.

DearMsPurdie Thu 12-Oct-17 15:43:48

Affairs won’t help. Right now it seems like you are in an emotional affair, and what do I know, it’s going to be hard to see the woods for the trees ... the brain will do some amazing tricks to justify one, we rationalise and make sense/write our own stories.

But I’m not sure how clearly you can see the situation when it’s cloudy ... you have a comparison going on. Also maybe your husbands gut instinct is telling him to be wary .., mayeb he knows how fond you are of the other chap and goes all alpha.

Sounds rough ... if it was me I would stop the contact with the other guy. Look towards your husband to meet those needs - or your friends. Make things less cloudy whilst you decide what you want to do. Tell your husband what you want and what you don’t like - the nasty behaviour for one !

Ah I don’t know - I’m a bit all over myself at the mo ! Good luck

category12 Thu 12-Oct-17 15:56:27

Problem is, I can't tell whether you're doing the common thing of finding fault to justify an affair, and the relationship has suffered because of the attraction - or whether your relationship was bad and the attraction is how you're diverting yourself. There's a lot going on and you have a small baby.

To give your marriage a chance, you need to drop the friend and go to relationship counselling, address both of your problems in your work/life balance and so on.

If you don't love your dh any more, you need to leave him - but be very careful about jumping straight into a relationship with your friend. It's easy to be totally loving and supportive and funny by text and in short doses - not so easy with the daily grind.

percypig2017 Thu 12-Oct-17 15:56:29

Thank you guys all makes perfect sense, I think its just like me reaching out emotionally to someone I know it doesnt help at all, this guy isn't in a good place himself at the moment around his job, family and he has to move down to Southampton soon which is miles anyway but its more the way he is with me makes me feel understood.
I hate being so sensitive and I lost my job 2 years ago so this is why I feel too I have lost my inner confidence. I wont do anything with this man, I will take your advice, thank you...I know how you feel DearMsPurdie....hope you get your things sorted too.

Flossy1978 Thu 12-Oct-17 15:59:09

In most of these types of posts the OP always mentions another person they want to get involved with.... that other person is always so wonderful.

If you want to end it with your current partner because you don't like how he is treating you, then get some self esteem and do it for yourself. You don't make them out to be some evil person, to justify running into the arms of another "perfect" man.

You are cheating. Doesn't matter how your current partner behaves. Just leave him if you don't like it, but don't make out you are so hard done by when you are having an emotional affair behind his back. There is no justification good enough for that.

Life is too short for all this drama.

Gimmeareason Thu 12-Oct-17 16:05:13

You sound irritating and I feel like theres a cultural thing going on. Are you from a different culture?

percypig2017 Thu 12-Oct-17 16:09:08

I don't mean to come across irritating.... I am more confused perhaps, no we don't we have different family upbringings maybe and how we were brought up as he doesnt really have a good relationship with his mum or dad unfortunately whereas I do and really close.

HarmlessChap Thu 12-Oct-17 17:02:44

The 1st half of your OP reads like this to me.

You're critisising him and he gets defensive so you get worse and it becomes a row, for which he then apologises.

You stopped having a physical relationship with him last year due to health issues, he may well have felt rejected and stopped trying to initiate things but now you are up for it again you feel rejected that he doesn't initiate things any more and doesn't respond to your advances whilst he's trying to study for his exams and then later when he is in the mood you are upset with him for not being in the mood earlier so you reject his advances. Its become a viscous circle.

Then we get on to the OM, you are letting him pursue you and enjoying the attention.

I think you are trying to justify cheating and possibly by being critical and trying to initiate sex at times when you know he is stressed and busy with his studies you are subconsciously trying to sabotage your relationship.

CoyoteCafe Thu 12-Oct-17 17:48:10

I see a bunch of flags for emotional abuse. My advice is to buy a copy of "Why Does He Do That" by Bancoft. Read it and highlight or underline the parts that ring true to you about your relationship. It could help you get a lot of clarity.

I suggest not letting your DP know that you have it. You can disguise a book my covering the outside with duct tape so it looks like journal.

Also, and you know this, cut it out with the other guy while you figure out what is going on with your marriage and what you want to do about it.

One last thing -- use birth control. The last thing you need right now is another baby, and if you DP figures out that you are thinking of ending it, he might want to have another child to trap you.

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