Just looking for opinions really. Feeling pretty low about it all so would appreciate it if people tried not to be too harsh. I'm a regular user but have name changed as DP knows my usual username. It's long too so thanks in advance if you stick it out!
I have been with DP romantically since early this year but I've known him for years. Prior to being together he was with somebody else. There was no great argument behind their break up, just that they'd met young and after 3 years wanted different things so he called it off. He is younger than me (mid twenties, I am late twenties) and that was his first major relationship. It was also hers (possibly relevant). They decided it was important to both of them to remain friends. I was aware of all this and understand the reason he wants to remain friends with her.
However, we had difficulties early on because it seemed to me they had no boundaries (she messaged all the time and would turn up at his house - he once responded to a message halfway through having sex 😒). He was very secretive about seeing her/speaking to her and after a couple of months of it we had a big falling out about it. I said either he wasn't over her or he was leading her on making her think she had a chance. I posted here for advice at the time and got some really good advice which I took on board and things have been great ever since.
He hasn't seen her since then which I appreciate but recently I've noticed that the amount they message one another is creeping up again and he is still secretive about it. I'd said to him before that if he needed to turn his phone away from me to send a message then not to do it when he was with me. He's started doing this again. He also is seeing her for a landmark birthday. I knew about this but didn't realise it entailed a day out together with her family which I think is inappropriate and disrespectful to me. She also lives a fair distance away and when I asked how he was getting there and back he was quite vague and said he was possibly being picked up and probably getting public transport back which makes me concerned he's planning on staying there which would be a deal breaker for me.
I got really quite upset about how secretive he'd been (the only reason this came out is because I specifically asked what they had planned) and how disrespectful I perceive it to be. He still won't be open with her about the fact we're together (apparently it hasn't come up) but I presume she is aware as he is very open with it otherwise family wise/colleagues/friends etc. I told him that I would never be able to understand it because it's just not something I would do to him. I asked him whether he envisaged their friendship staying on this intense a level and the only answer he would give is that he hadn't looked at it from my point of view and he wouldn't be secretive anymore but they both still wanted to be in each other's lives. He also said he would always love her because she was his first big love and that's just normal. I should point out that she is openly still in love with him and regularly says things like "when we get back together/when you've realised you're mistake/when we're married" etc etc. He's told her that won't be happening but I think while he's still replying to her messages at all hours and acting the way he is, it doesn't matter what he actually says, his actions will make her think she has a shot.
At that point I got more upset and said I thought that was a romantic notion I don't agree with. I don't still love my first love or even the father of my DS. I don't believe you do if you're truly over someone and I said it made me feel inadequate and second best that although he loved me he also had feelings for somebody else. He then said he'd used the wrong word and he meant he still felt fondly of her.
This is painting a bad picture of him. Outside of this we have no problems. We get on, he makes me really happy and is very loving and otherwise thoughtful. He is great with DS and he regularly talks about our future together. He has pointed out (quite rightly) that if he wanted to be with her he could and would be but he isn't because he wants to be with me, not her. This is the only issue we've had and the only argument we've had was the first one - even this more recent one was a discussion rather than an argument.
But the secrecy around this all makes me paranoid. I'm not a jealous person usually - I don't have an issue with him being friends with his other exes (because they're more appropriate friendships) but because he isn't honest with me about this every time he goes home or goes quiet I presume he's with her/talking to her even when he's not. And I hate feeling like that.
He has promised no more secrecy. But I am now stuck wondering if I want to pursue a future with someone who has openly admitted they still have feelings, however minimal, for somebody else. I'd been looking at the possibility of asking him to move in after the new year since he's here a lot anyway but this coming up has pushed me right back. I am accepting that that should not be on the cards for a while longer but I don't know whether to give it more time or just cut my losses.
For what it's worth, I 100% trust he wouldn't do anything physical with her while he's with me and I believe that he loves me. I just feel like it's a lot to ask for me to be ok with the fact that he's admitted to not being completely over his ex and then expecting me to be ok with them spending time together doing what I perceive to be couple type activities.
I also don't know if it's fair to him to carry this on because I don't think there's anything he could do to put my mind at rest other than either cut her off or completely minimise contact with her and be very upfront with her about me. And I think it would be controlling and not my place to insist upon that. I think the world is made up of all sorts of people and this is probably more of my issue than his.
So after that essay (sorry) my two questions are:
- Is this doomed?
- Do you believe in always retaining some feelings towards your first love? Opinion seems pretty split on this with the people I know in RL.