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Advice about friendship please. Don't know what to do.

(17 Posts)
Lilmissgen Sat 07-Oct-17 15:46:59

Advice please.

I’m currently at a loss of what to do in this situation.
A friend of mine has recently left her husband of 12 years. Before she asked him to leave the family home, she started an affair with a younger guy who she works with. I asked her outright if she was having an affair and she admitted it. This guy also had a gf of 4 years. I begged her to end the affair as I said that I didn’t think it would end well at all. She was seeing this guy while husband was at work, even to the point of bringing him home during the day while her husband was out and sneaking out of work with him at night.
Well, her husband found out about it and she asked him to leave. The guy she was seeing ended his relationship with his gf about a month later. All the while, they were still seeing each other.

They have now been together for about a month. She has him over the house pretty much every day and has already introduced him to her 2 children. I’m worried that the children are suffering. I’ve told her that I think this is far too soon but she just says whatever. Her oldest son has started pulling out his hair because of the situation.
She shows no guilt over having hurt the other girl in this situation, or her husband. Simply saying that they probably deserved it. She’s not the same person as she was before, she’s become very selfish.
It’s making me so sad because I’m finding it very hard to be around her right now. She’s not the same friend that I once had and I find the fact that she was willing to hurt so many people hard to deal with.
I’ve told her I need some space from the friendship but what do you think I should do future wise?
I’m not sure that I want a friend who can so easily hurt so many people and not care about it or feel remorse. AIBU??

Aminuts23 Sat 07-Oct-17 15:56:12

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Her behaviour is appalling. Her poor children. She’s being utterly self absorbed and reckless. I’d back away. I wouldn’t fall out but I wouldn’t want to be around this. My friend once had an emotional affair with a work colleague (I’m good friends with her DH). She was obsessed with him, using our nights out to ring/text him. It was horrible and I told her it was. I backed away. She eventually came round apologising, changed jobs and stopped contact with him. We’re fine now but I still think about what she did and am a bit disgusted with her

ParanoidBeryl Sat 07-Oct-17 15:59:58

It's the old adage of not being able to change other people, only how you respond.

I personally couldn't be friends with someone who behaved like this.

Lilmissgen Sat 07-Oct-17 16:10:23

Aminuts23

The calling and texting on nights out is what she does too. She also knows that I don’t want to be around him but continually invites him along if we are out. So I’ve said I don’t want to go on nights out anymore.
It’s very sad, I want to be friends. But I miss the person she was before. If that makes sense.
Thank you for saying it’s not unreasonable to think this way. I’ve been in tears over the situation but her behaviour just disgusts me.

Aminuts23 Sat 07-Oct-17 16:16:58

I totally understand. The constant calling/texting when we were out just made me feel used to be honest. She was married with 2 young children too. It was awful and I’m glad it’s all over now

lollipop7 Sat 07-Oct-17 16:20:22

How old are her children? Her poor son, that's heartbreaking.

I couldn't be friends with someone who did this, obviously I don't know all the ins and outs but where is her moral compass? Has something else happened, is she unwell or something? It all sounds really terrible, like she's go into autopilot.

If you've been friends for a long time and close, then this sort of development is bound to impact upon you, it is very upsetting. You are grieving for the friend - and person - she no longer is in your eyes.

I think the only thing you can do is be brutally honest and tell her you find her behaviour and your friendship irreconcilable in the current environment. It's not your job to tell her how to behave or what kind of mother to be, but you must keep a hold of your own parameters and what the friendship brings to your life.

Lilmissgen Sat 07-Oct-17 16:52:09

Nothing else has happened. She’s not ill etc. She’s just become so selfish and it’s heartbreaking to see the impact it’s having on her children.
We have been friends a few years. But got super close quickly. The friendship was very easy and lovely.
But now it’s like I don’t know her anymore.
@lollipop7, I’ve told her that atm I can’t be around her and the friendship due to my feelings on the matter. The thing is she also knows my mum and is now trying to bring my mum into the situation, saying things to her like I’m making things awkward etc which is also upsetting.
I hate it all right now.

springydaffs Sat 07-Oct-17 17:54:41

It might be an idea to hang around for the sake of the kids. Who's going to be looking out for them, be a constant, when their mother is being so selfish?

Lilmissgen Sat 07-Oct-17 18:11:59

My son is friends with her youngest son, so I want to keep it civil for them as I don’t want it to ever affect their friendship.

Italiangreyhound Sun 08-Oct-17 02:07:33

Aminuts23 has a very interesting point, I think "I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Her behaviour is appalling. Her poor children. She’s being utterly self absorbed and reckless. I’d back away. I wouldn’t fall out but I wouldn’t want to be around this. My friend once had an emotional affair with a work colleague (I’m good friends with her DH). She was obsessed with him, using our nights out to ring/text him." I felt her behaviour sounded obsessive.

You need to back away but be clear you will be there to support her if this ends, if you feel able to.

It's good you care about her children, make that clear, it may help her realise what a mistake she is making.

"he thing is she also knows my mum and is now trying to bring my mum into the situation, saying things to her like I’m making things awkward etc which is also upsetting."

Be really clear. Does she want you to tell your mum what is going on? If not she not to bring your mum into any of this.

Good luck.

Jellyheadbang Sun 08-Oct-17 02:32:30

Grim. That poor poor little boy 🙁 You're not wrong to end the friendship she's not the person you thought she was.
Is the dad still seeing the kids? I'd mention something to him or a mutual friend or even the school to make sure he's safe.

CoyoteCafe Sun 08-Oct-17 03:59:19

What a selfish bitch. confused

I would stay civil and try not to say anything much, just for the sake of the kids. I'd invite her kids over frequently and make them welcome. They could most likely use a calm, safe space.

I would try not to worry too much about the future. There could be another turn in this story. It doesn't sound like she's at the end of her mess yet.

The thing with her talking to your mother is weird and manipulative. Can you just speak frankly to your mother? I would be careful to not put anything in writing or in a text or anything because that sort of thing can get very twisted around and come back to haunt you.

sonjadog Sun 08-Oct-17 05:27:55

I've been in your situation. I had to take a big step back from the friendship for my own peace of mind. Eventually the relationship ended and she returned to normal but tbh, our friendship hasn't and won't be the same again.

ParanoidBeryl Sun 08-Oct-17 13:11:02

CoyoteCafe I’m interested, why do you describe her as a ‘selfish bitch’ rather than ‘selfish woman’?

Lilmissgen Sun 08-Oct-17 15:37:47

@Jellyheadbang, the dad still sees the children but she always takes them to him so that he doesn’t come to the house so I won’t have a chance to speak to him.

@CoyoteCafe, I’ve asked my mum not to get involved at all as I don’t want her to be dragged into this.

Atm. I’ve decided to keep my distance. But obviously I will still invite her son round for his benefit and for the benefit of his and my sons friendship. It’s not their fault.

CoyoteCafe Sun 08-Oct-17 16:09:19

@ParanoidBeryl I'm curious why you are calling me out on that when I often see men referred to in derogatory language for the exact same thing. What's the difference? It is just a sexism thing? Men are cunts, but women are always women? If so, why is the worst thing to call a man a part of female anatomy?

I don't get it.

ParanoidBeryl Sun 08-Oct-17 19:24:09

I'm just interested. I see it a lot where people use gender specific terms towards (IME mainly women) which tends to denigrate the person rather than the behaviour.

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