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Did I overreact? Issues with DM

(11 Posts)
ReturnOfTheCaramac Fri 06-Oct-17 21:03:56

Sorry, it's a long one.

I'm in my 30s but since I was a teenager my DM's had a habit of telling me hurtful things my DF has said about me.

One actual example, when I was about 16 was, "don't tell your Dad I told you, but he says you're so fat that he's worried you'll never get a boyfriend." I'd get upset, confront DF and there'd be an argument.

Today I got really angry and kind of regret it. Out of the blue my DM said my DF isn't happy. When I asked why she got all flustered and started rambling that it's because I earn more than my DP. I was annoyed but changed the subject.

My DF and DM have always been nice to DP and there have been no issues between them. I've been with my DP for five years and we're TTC at the moment. Yes, there's a gap in our salaries due to my profession. But I couldn't care less.

I spoke to DF who said his words have been twisted. Later on, my DM apologised over the phone. I asked her why she tells me these things. She said she doesn't know. I'm not proud to say that I lost my temper and raised my voice.

Now, this may sound harsh but I know my parents can sometimes be a bit...judgmental AND two-faced AND stuck-up. So, it's likely that my DF did say something like that. Frankly, my relationship has nothing to do with them.

What hurts me is, why does she tell me? What does she gain from it? She always sounds so apologetic afterwards.

Chatoyant Fri 06-Oct-17 21:06:24

Are you sure your dad said these things and it’s not her saying them but blaming your dad? Not sure why But that was the first thing that crossed my mind when I read your post.

jeaux90 Fri 06-Oct-17 21:08:52

You need to learn to not give a fuck and shrug it off. I say that because people don't change (well, rarely) but you can learn not to care about it.

Wheelerdeeler Fri 06-Oct-17 21:10:29

How do they know what you earn?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 06-Oct-17 21:11:58

She agrees with him but is too cowardly to say it to you herself, by claiming your DF said it, then if you get angry or upset it isn't directed at her.

Mean cow.

Roll your eyes at them. No point getting upset.

ReturnOfTheCaramac Fri 06-Oct-17 21:12:40


I wonder that sometimes. I never know who to believe. DM always sounds genuinely sorry and blames her "big mouth".

Hairgician Fri 06-Oct-17 21:16:14

Hmm I wonder if she does it to start a row.

Bucketsandspoons Fri 06-Oct-17 21:16:51

Weirdly I have a friend who does something very similar - comes to me as the 'bearer of bad news' and whispers some nasty little gem that someone else has apparently confided to her as the arbitrator of all, wanting her to drop me a hint to fix whatever. I used to worry and check facts, and it was usually either untrue, exaggerated or a conversation she'd instigated to get the words she was after. If you cheerfully ask why she appears to be the leader of the committee on this problem, (sometimes she gives the impression she's speaking on behalf of a large group of our friends!) and say its worrying she feels she needs to speak for them - often it gets very quickly reframed and distanced from, and it becomes clear that no one has gone to her and said this at all. In actual fact it's just something she thinks herself and that was in her mind a more powerful and less risky/exposed way of saying it.

The things that she says in this particular way are usually and uncharacteristically unkind and critical, and illogical/strange ways of looking at things or very nit picky and disproportionate. She lives with a mental health condition including paranoia and intrusive thoughts, and this often happens in the early stages of her heading into a rough patch. I've learned to spot it as a sign, not react or buy into it as that just makes it worse and also reinforces it so it happens more frequently, and instead to encourage her to up her rest and if need be check in with her doctor as sometimes meds need re balancing. I think there's probably an illusion of control in there for her when she's feeling out of control, and when she's anxious and her paranoia is getting distressing, getting someone else buying into the anxiety and checking themselves and worrying makes her feel validated and less alone. When she's well she's lovely and wouldn't dream of upsetting anyone.

ReturnOfTheCaramac Fri 06-Oct-17 21:17:18


They don't. They've guessed because DP's job is hands-on and manual and mine is managerial.

backintown Fri 06-Oct-17 21:25:12

My mum does the 'well X (stepdad) said to me the other day that he thinks <insert insulting/judgemental shit here>'.

Its all bollocks - its her shit and she thinks if she somehow abdicates responsibility for it then it makes it better then she is delusional she is actually pretty fucking delusional as it goes.

Best to develop the 'smile and wave' mentality (taken from the penguins in the film Madagascar) - no matter what nonsense they come out with just smile, nod and ignore. All my siblings and I follow this rule and it is very liberating!

& no you didn't overreact - but for your own wellbeing I would suggest giving zero fucks (worked wonders for me!)

ReturnOfTheCaramac Fri 06-Oct-17 21:38:13

Thanks for the advice everyone. Strangely comforting to know that it's not just my DM. I need to develop a thicker skin and not let it get to me. Will give the "smile and nod" approach a go. smile

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