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My husband has left me for someone else

(16 Posts)
flowerbomb75 Fri 06-Oct-17 10:47:52

My husband left me nearly 4 months ago for someone he met at work and moved in with her after 5 weeks. I had no idea at all that things were going wrong apart from the fact that we were in quite a bit of debt and struggling with money (which I've had to take out an IVA for as it was all in my name!). He has left me before but not to this extent (it seems to be a re-occuring pattern every 2 years) and not whilst we've been married (only married for 2 years, but together for 8 1/2) He has said he still loves me and doesn't want me to divorce him (I can't afford to anyway) and then changes his mind, says that he doesn't love me and that he is going to put in for a Legal Separation, I've not heard anything yet! He has had no contact with my daughter (his step daughter) for 2 weeks and all of a sudden calls her when he is drunk, asks where I am and says he is going to drop a birthday card around for her the next day, which he did with money in. I can only contact him via email. He has been diagnosed previously with a mild personality disorder (I'm sure it is a narcissistic personality disorder) which is one of the reasons I've tried to put up with his behaviour. He is also a professional in the caring sector so should know better. I'm not sure how to proceed or what is going on in his head, help!!

scoobydoo1971 Fri 06-Oct-17 10:52:53

You need to divorce him to draw a line under his dreadful behaviour. He doesn't want to divorce you in case it goes wrong with the new woman and he thinks you will take him back. His gesture to your daughter is irrelevant. His personality disorder is his problem, not yours. Whether he says he loves you or not is irrelevant. They are just words and he has run off with another woman. Legal separation is as expensive to arrange as a divorce. You can file divorce papers yourself and submit to the court - all the paperwork is online. If all you have is debt, and no capital assets then it is a straightforward matter. Why let this man dangle you on a string of 'will he, won't he'...he has a track record of treating you badly...why let him carry on behaving this way?

WeatherDependent Fri 06-Oct-17 10:53:38

He is a pillock and you deserve better. Not particularly helpful but someone will come along who is but just remember my first sentence flowers

CockacidalManiac Fri 06-Oct-17 10:56:23

It doesn’t matter what’s going on in his head; do you want a lifetime of this shit? He’s dictating everything at the moment, and you’re going to be unhappy for ever if you continue to put up with it.
Take back control, and get rid of him.

Chaos777 Fri 06-Oct-17 11:27:09

He's keeping you as a spare in case it doesn't work out with OW.
Surely you are worth more than this?

fuzzywuzzy Fri 06-Oct-17 11:30:05

So he’s done this before FOUR times? And you don’t want to LTB?

He’s left you in masses of debt and is off screwing someone else with not a care in the world.

Why exactly do you want to remain married to this peach?

Divorce him and get him to pay some of the debt. Bloody hell!

flowerbomb75 Fri 06-Oct-17 11:43:59

Thank you all, if I could divorce him I would. I need to sort finances out too which will cost 😔 He wants some of the equity in MY HOUSE. He has left me 3 times including this time for someone else and once only for 2 days because of money!! I wish he would leave my daughter alone as he isn't consistent with keeping in contact but she wants to see him 😩 I have asked him to help me pay for a divorce as he had said he wanted to marry her within weeks of leaving me but he won't 😢

category12 Fri 06-Oct-17 11:57:04

As you have a dc, I'd have thought you'd have a stronger claim on the house etc. His infidelity is irrelevant to the settlement, but providing your child a home and so on is not, at least until she's no longer dependent. You need to go and talk to a solicitor - some of them will do a half-hour free consultation to get an understanding of the situation. Don't promise him anything or agree to anything until you have proper advice.

You should go after him for child support straight away whatever.

Don't take him back a fourth time.

Thebluedog Fri 06-Oct-17 12:00:00

The debts are half his, regardless of who's name they are in, so you need to get the call rolling on the divorce...

fuzzywuzzy Fri 06-Oct-17 12:35:50

OP in your shoes I’d try and start getting the divorce rolling now. He’s less likely to be awarded half your assets when you have masses of debt to offset.

Can you get legal aid?

I’m sure there are places that give free legal advice it’s been mentioned on here before.

At the very least call around and speak to solicitors who offer free first consultation.

flowerbomb75 Fri 06-Oct-17 12:58:08

I've seen a solicitor who recommended the divorce asap. I can't get legal aid but she said that if he admits to adultery they would claim their fees back from him. She also said that he would need to help pay the debt. I need a lottery win! He won't speak to me at all and is spending his money on taking her away weekends, going out for meals and booze! It makes me so angry when I'm struggling and he could help with the cost of the divorce. Thank you all so very much for your advice 😊

category12 Fri 06-Oct-17 13:43:42

Well he will pay for the divorce eventually if you go for costs/claim back solicitors fees - he can't deny adultery if he's living with the other woman. So find the money to get the ball rolling

category12 Fri 06-Oct-17 13:46:47

I think it's £550 initial court fees. Do the application yourself maybe and have your solicitor help with the financials?

Garlicansapphire Fri 06-Oct-17 14:30:07

Dear OP. Struggle no more with putting up with him! He's absolutely not worth it. Telling you he loves you is bullshit - he's trying to keep his options open, manipulate you and pretend he's a good guy, but he's not. He left you more than once, he's left you with piles of debt and thinking you will have to give him part of the house etc. He's a worthless and pointless piece of shit. You shouldn't listen to a word he says - he doesn't deserve any more of your attention or energy.

Shut him out and draw the line. Look after you and be armed! (not literally)...

You dont need to spend a fortune on a lawyer but you do need at least one session to understand and protect your rights and hold a very firm line on his demands. It will be money well spent to ensure he doesnt fleece you and that you dont assume whats hes saying is right.

You really need to make sure you stop listening to him or believing anything. He is toxic and is ruining your life. Take control back!

flowerbomb75 Fri 06-Oct-17 15:05:55

What your saying is so true, he's absolutely destroyed my self esteem and I feel so worthless. I'm trying to be strong and one minute I am and the next I'm not grrr!! Thank you 😊

Garlicansapphire Fri 06-Oct-17 15:33:45

Its easy to say be strong but its always hard to get out of the grip of someone manipulative, who has been twisting you round their fingers and messing with your brain. Be very kind to yourself. You deserve better.

Dont get drawn into debates with him. Keep your guard up and dont feel the need to respond to anything he says. That draws you in and he will manipulate and turn things around. Stand back. I am not discussing this. Find out your rights and give yourself time and space.

You can and will get through. Big hugs and support to you. x

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