Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.


(20 Posts)
Louis88 Fri 06-Oct-17 06:10:43

Hi im new to this and just needed some solid advice, even though i have a feeling what replies im going to here goes....

Im in a 1 1/2 relationship with my partner and we live together and for a while ots annoyed me that he is selfish in the bedroom..... anyway everytime ive tried to initiate things he has rejected me but ive found he uses porn every morning and night....even the same days he turns me away!!
I also found hes got an account with adultwork and uses direct cam and we argued couple of weeks ago n in his history tried to book 2 escorts but didnt actually go meet them.
Plus when we have argued he takes to messaging other girls on snapchat and facebook but blocks them when we sort out our differences 😣
He knows ive got a painful past becausey kids dad used to be on fab swingers behind my back and cheat on me then he passed away 2 yrs ago from an accidental there we have it and it feels amazing to get that off my chest!!!

sirbedevere Fri 06-Oct-17 06:17:24

Get rid. I'm so sorry. But nothing good will come of this.

Ellisandra Fri 06-Oct-17 07:09:38

You know what replies you're going to get, because you've laid out how awful he is and you know there is absolutely zero reason to stay with him.

Do you want to talk about what's stopping you leaving? Because that's more important than talking about what he is doing.

But, btw - how do you know he didn't go through with the AW bookings? My XH used it, and would often make the request via AW with his mobile number included, and confirmation of the booking would go to that. So it looked like the request had gone unanswered, and unbooked - but that wasn't the case.

Your "boyfriend" at the very least sends booking requests to prostitutes. There is nothing to discuss about whether you should or shouldn't leave.

Only as I say - to discuss why you haven't yet?

Doublemint Fri 06-Oct-17 07:11:16

Why the hell are you still with this human turd?

lasketchup Fri 06-Oct-17 07:13:37

Leave. Don’t waste anymore of your life on him. Leave. Sort yourself out, find a guy worthy of your love.

Changedname3456 Fri 06-Oct-17 07:16:15

This guy's a right catch (and that's from a male perspective) isn't he? If you were one of my daughters and I knew this about him I'd be not-so-subtly encouraging him to sling his hook.

You need to boot him out and then spend some time single to work on your self esteem and work out what why your boundaries are so low.

TheNaze73 Fri 06-Oct-17 07:23:36

He has no respect for you. Why are you with him?

Louis88 Fri 06-Oct-17 08:08:31

Hi thank you all for your replies smile i think i just feel ashamed of my self that the last two partners ive had..ive just not been good enough for. I went through 3 years of mental abuse off my ex that passed so i just dont really have much confidence in myself i just dont understand why this keeps happening to me

LifeinColour Fri 06-Oct-17 08:10:07

Arrrh so sorry your going through this!
Porn is incredibly addictive, do some research on it.. trust me I know the effects it has on intimacy.

From my experience he will get worse, it's a fantasy world that is so far removed from reality and sadly won't be good moving forward for your relationship.

He needs help but it sounds like he may not be ready to get help.. you could waste your life trying to change him, it's really not worth it, your less than 2yrs in!

Imagine being marrried with kids and no sexlife or intimacy with someone who prefers to look/act out with other women!

Arrrh really feel for you, have you had a frank chat with him about how your feeling?

AnyFucker Fri 06-Oct-17 08:10:31

You will feel even better when you remove this millstone from round your neck

LifeinColour Fri 06-Oct-17 08:11:51

You deserve so much better from your relationships! It's not your fault, take care of you xxx

Louis88 Fri 06-Oct-17 08:15:55

Because i know it will destroy me to heear his excuses and i dont want him to see that hes made me this upset because he shouldnt have done it especially knowing id had such a rubbish past that almost drove me to kill myself with my mam dying then physical mental abuse n being cheated on then loosing the kids dad to such a selfish reason........i sometimes wander if it me and im the problem

Jarhead Fri 06-Oct-17 08:25:17

It's not that you haven't been good enough for your last two partners, it's that they're not good enough for you! At the moment you can't see that but I promise you it's true.

The Freedom Programme can help you work out why this 'keeps happening to you' but the first thing you need to do is walk away from a bf who patently has no respect for you.

cakecakecheese Fri 06-Oct-17 08:35:30

Oh gosh you've had such a lot go on and being with this guy is not helping you. Have you had any councelling? You can't deal with everything you've been through on your own.

MiniTheMinx Fri 06-Oct-17 08:41:09

It's not you and you are not the problem. Unfortunately the easy availablity and prevalence of pornography, free and easy to access, seemingly normalised and often argued harmless and benign is the problem.

Some men become addicted, they seek out more extreme, more risky, and eventually seek out how to reconcile the fantasy to reality by using cams. Cams are paying for sex, this is far closer to the aetiology of prostitution.

Some of these men will have started out as decent men, just bored, just curious. By the end of it they will be decieving selfish bastards spending family money, having little empathy for women, and in denial and blaming their partner.

This is pernicious and it's causing massive harm to men, women and families.

I'm sorry you have been through this. Twice. But it's NOT you. And it's a huge issue, and you can't fix it or him or you unless you can: get some support and counselling for you, make him realise that he has a huge issue which is not your fault and it's up to him to get help for himself, and be prepared to walk away if he won't.

You absolutely do deserve to be loved and desired, and to be respected. A porn hound is not capable of any of that.

rizlett Fri 06-Oct-17 08:44:30

This keeps happening because you don't yet feel good enough to have a nice bf. It will really help you to be on your own for a while, maybe have some counselling, look at the freedom programme so that you learn how to recognise a good man from the beginning - that way you can get out before your heart gets too involved.
It will keep happening unless you do some work on yourself to improve your self esteem. You do deserve to be loved by someone who isn't a twat. flowers

Louis88 Fri 06-Oct-17 10:27:03

Yeah i also feel like givi g up trying because its practically one sided n he gives zero affection ever i even broke down the other day telling him i thought he hated me n i got no hug or reasurance off him just 'u know i dont mean what i say when im angry' and he argues with me and stops talking to me over petty things where hes the one thats been a snake behind my back i feel like i need to build on me and my kids because they have also suffered enough being only 6 and 4

AdoraBell Fri 06-Oct-17 10:31:58

Speak to Women’s Aid, they have something called the Freedom programme.

As others have said, this is you being not good enough, and you do deserve so much more. This man has no respect for you. Get rid of him.

Louis88 Fri 06-Oct-17 13:24:32

I threw the laptop at him last night got nothing off him egnored me and stayed there all night no appology or explination, hes gone to work and was cold with me so i messaged him and then got angry sonwas having a text argument and now hes saying he wants to finish but i just cant be bothered entertaining it so ive told him to not bother talking to me or coming home until hea ready to at least talk and apologise ahhhh well

MiniTheMinx Fri 06-Oct-17 15:57:12

If he won't talk reasonable, if the two of you can't discuss this then you will never resolve it. If he can't see that he is hurting you or worse, can see and doesn't give a shit, then all you can do is walk away.

As others have said, you deserve better than this. I agree that poor self esteem can lead to poor choices, but equally making good choices leads to good self esteem. You can choose not to put up with this.

Is it your house?

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: