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When will it end?

(3 Posts)
wishesandkisses Sun 01-Oct-17 20:32:01

Not sure weather this should be in relationships or mental health but here goes. Years and years ago I was with someone who broke my spirit. We were never together as such, I was more his sex toy who he was only nice to when he wanted something. Fast forward a few Years, I'm married with a child and for the majority I am happy. I have seen heartbreaker twice in two years. The first time he told me he was sorry, loved me, tried to kiss me. The second he called me a crazy bitch and wished he never met me (he was on coke I think). I know I should laugh it off, what a prick right? But when I'm alone I can't stop thinking about him. I dread being alone because of this. If I'm feeling worse about myself I think about him more. It makes me into somebody I loath but I can't help it! I don't even want him, I want my Oh. Can anyone explain this to me? Or better yet, how to stop it. I've been to therapy, pills but nothing seems to work. I'm awaiting CBT. I just want him to leave my head sad

Apileofballyhoo Mon 02-Oct-17 01:37:57

Please read my post before you read the link as the link sounds a bit like you can't change things at the beginning of it when that's not what is saying at all.

There's a thing called trauma bonding. Sounds like it might be why this person invades your headspace. Don't be disheartened, just means you're normal and have reacted in a normal way to trauma. Feeling like shit but it all being intense became your usual feeling, which became your stable feeling, and we all gravitate towards trying to be stable. It's just your normal feeling shouldn't be all shit and intense, because gravitating towards that is just causing more shittiness. When you are feeling low, you want to go back to your normal - and so end up thinking about him etc. It's just your brain falling into old patterns. The longer you go without ever seeing him the better. And when you are feeling crap about things try really hard to think of anything except him. Like water trickling down, first drop takes path of least resistance and others follow. You have to block the water and force the first drop down a different path. The more you do this the easier it will be and your thoughts won't flow towards him anymore. Not saying you don't need counselling to grieve for yourself and your broken a spirit, you may well do. But you can learn to choose whether to think about this person or not.

www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

Apileofballyhoo Fri 06-Oct-17 16:40:46

Think I have a bit of this myself - had a nightmare last night about ex boyfriend from 20 years ago and feeling terrible/anxious all day coupled with desire for his approval. hmm

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