Are we over?

[greenbubbles]

I'm currently pregnant with our second DC.

DH and I had been arguing for months and around 3 months ago, DH left the family home saying he was on the verge of a breakdown and refused to talk to me about it. I managed to convince him to do some couples counselling which he attended but I personally found it detrimental and we stopped after a few sessions. It felt to me they were trying to keep us together at all costs by drawing lines under the past and saying we couldn't talk/discuss these and I just had to let everything go.

In the process it came out the woodwork that he has been lying about some very minor to more major things for the whole of our 10 year relationship. The couples counsellor said "lie" is a strong word and these are exaggerations. And that I need to forget and forgive.

I have a lot of trust issues which he blames me for and he says this caused a lot of the arguments. But now I see I've been lied to so much, I think I was right all along to suspect something wasn't right. He always hides his phone, but going to extreme measures - airplane mode at night. Never letting it leave his pocket. Deleting all the messages/photos immediately. He says he's just a very private person.

Anyway the latest is that I've found out he's been on adultwork. Apparently he's used this for the duration of our relationship and before and he classes it as just a habit. I did know he was on it once before we were married and made it clear it was not acceptable to me. I think I was naive at the time and accepted his explanation that he just looked at the gallery photos. He now says he was using web cams and that was a lie. He's saying he's still been using it "just" for the web cams and that I don't know him well at all if I'm suggesting he's been using escorts and he acts very offended.

When I discovered his recent use of Adultwork he denied it. Suggested I was mad and repeatedly asked what my problem was. Swearing on my life he'd not been on there. He is a very good liar, and if I didn't know for a fact he'd be on it, I probably would have believed him again and thought I was just going mad. Once I showed the "evidence" he confessed but says he sets up temp accounts and can't show me the login details. This might be true, but who knows quite frankly since lying comes so easy to him.

Divorce will be expensive for both of us. It will be very upsetting for our DC and it will mean the baby I'm currently pregnant with will probably not have any sort of bond with him.

I loved him very much and never expected him to do this. I can't work out if I'm making more of this than I should be. Web cams feels like cheating due to the interactive element of this but he's saying it's not. It's also the fact he knew how I felt about this site and lied. He even said he did it because I'd never find out and therefore would never be hurt. Which I find really upsetting. You could say the same of cheating with an actual person! I also can't help but wonder if he's done more than web cams. I'd never previously have thought that of him. But I feel so confused now I don't really know what to think.

He seems to resent the idea that he should even need to apologise too. As he blames me for the trust issues which caused a lot of our arguments and says I was irrationally jealous and abusive which is why he left and now I'm just making it all about the web cams.

I'm feeling like this is now one massive big mess and I'm not sure what to do.

I don't want to break up my family. But I couldn't trust him before. How on earth can I trust him now?

[Aquamarine1029]

I'm sorry, op, but it sounds over and done to me. You simply can't trust a single word that comes out of his mouth. How could you live that way? A divorce might be financially challenging, but there's far more to life than just money. And you can always make more of it.

[TalkinBoutNuthin]

That is some really shitty counselling you had there OP, so sorry.

He doesn't regret what he's done, he's refusing to apologise, he's blaming you for not liking it and daring to not trust in him when he's lied through his teeth, and refusing to do anything to either make up for what he's done, to change things going forward, and to rebuild your trust.

Really, he just wants to continue on his merry way doing what the hell he likes, and expecting you to suck it up.

I'm sorry, but yes, you are over... or at least you should be.

[LucieLucie]

Get rid.

[rainbowstardrops]

LucieLucie that was exactly what I was about to type!
He's a shit OP. You could never trust him one iota ever again

[greenbubbles]

I know. If the trust is gone what's left? He's not even trying to get me to believe him by being less secretive than usual. I think he just expects me to accept it and "get over it".

If there's no trust we haven't got anything have we? It just seems so sad to throw everything away because of this. But I guess it's not like we didn't have problems before.

[SandyY2K]

He's never going to stop the stuff with websites.

At the very least I'd be suggesting a separation, or he'll think you'll never leave and will accept this for life .