Meeting ex-friend after falling-out - forget the past or lance the boil?

[ravenmum]

Meeting up with someone tonight that I haven't seen for a few years since I found out about ex's affair. Ex and I were kind of "best friends" with Z and her dh as a couple. I discovered my ex had been telling people lies about me being bitchy, to justify his affair - and suddenly some comments Z had come up with made sense: she'd heard these stories and my version of events - and believed his version. At the same time, Z did not comfort me, just said how she'd cleverly avoided my situation by doing couples counselling early on. Feeling like I was being painted as nasty and stupid, I said not to contact me any more. Haven't seen her since.

Now heard through the kids that she and her dh have also split up and she's living alone. Well, last time I saw her she didn't have many friends - we're both expats and she had less contact to the locals than me. I don't know if that's changed, but I felt a bit sorry for her and got back in touch; we're meeting up tonight for a drink.

Since breaking up with my ex I've been trying to be bolder and say what I think. I'd like to talk about why I "dumped" her. But looking back, well, she didn't know my ex was lying. And I knew that when you come to her with a problem she always tells you how she cleverly avoided it - it's an annoying quirk, no-one's perfect. And if she's just been dumped, well I know that it's hardly a time when you want more people criticising you.

We both come from the same place and moved abroad, and it can be fun chatting to someone with similar experiences. I'd like to revive the friendship, if maybe not as close. Should I just forgive and forget? Or buy us both several whiskys and get it off my chest first?

[mummmy2017]

Why don't you let her lead the conversation, she may have much different views on things, and you may find you don't feel the need to confront her about it.

[ravenmum]

That's not a bad idea. I may be overthinking this, as a bit nervous. I've been working on saying what I think more, but don't want to go in the other direction and say too much!

[Aperolspritzer123]

Also it might be a bit therapeutic - put it this way; if it goes wrong you go home and carry on your life as before, if it goes well then you've got your friend back!
See what she has to say first. Hope you have a nice time

[eddielizzard]

yup i would let her steer the conversation. think about what you would say, so that at least it's clear in your head, but you might not feel the need to bring it up after all.

[CoyoteCafe]

I'd be honest, but kind.

Friendships with other expats who are from where you are from are pretty special. If you can end the evening truly being friends, it would be wonderful for you both. Your ex lied to you both, and clearing the air about would be good. Now that she's gone through a divorce, her ability to stand back and see others problems as something she's avoided should be shot to hell.

[ravenmum]

That is true, it'll be fine if we end up friends again or not ... don't want to hurt her when she's down though so I'll keep the word "kind" in my head! Trouble with thinking about what I would like to say is that I would like to have a long, self-centred rant :D

[Joysmum]

You could make a throw away comment if the situation arises saying how hurt you were by the fact that your ex lied so much and even more so when it seemed people believed him.

No need to going into details.

[KarateKitten]

I think you need to be open to the possibility that you were overly sensitive and she was well intentioned at the time. You only have one side of the story right now and it sounds like you are not really open to the possibility that your take may not have been entirely objective giving the shit you were going through at the time.

It kind of sounds like you are meeting her to have YOUR say and her to grovel and then you can move on. I don't think things will end well if that's what your meet up is all about.

It's entirely possible she was being horrible to you. If that's the case, and if you truely believe that, then you shouldn't be meeting up with her at all.

[ravenmum]

I don't think she was horrible - I was just hurt that she believed my ex's story when I was telling her a totally different story. I realise that she had no reason to believe me over him. It just felt like she was taking his side - put crassly, I was saying how he was coldly conducting his affair in front of my eyes and she was telling me how to be a better wife. As if his affair was my fault for not being nice enough. Now my emotions have cooled off a bit, I actually wonder if that attitude came from her own experience of being made to feel that any problems in her marriage were her fault for not being a good enough wife. Her self-esteem is not great and her husband could have bullied her into feeling that way. I'm certainly quite curious.

[Gemini69]

I'd struggle to show this person any kindness atall .. your a far better person that me OP.... giving her the time of day would not be on my agenda... good luck

[KarateKitten]

Raven I suspect you are right. People do tend to give advice and make comments based on their own problems when something touches a nerve. If you can though, I'd try to accept that and not push for an explanation or an apology when you probably already know why she said what she did, insensitive (and victim blaming!) though as it was of her. Maybe with what she's gone through herself she'll make a good friend from now on but calling her on the past situation is not really helpful I feel.

[CoyoteCafe]

I would be fascinated to find out how her marriage ended.