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He has a problem or is it me?(36 Posts)
Am I going mad here?
Will try to keep this not too long, had agreed with oh he would have baby overnight alone for the first time this weekend. We are together but I haven't slept in so long and needed a break so I was to stay somewhere else for the night to finally get some sleep. It didn't work and he dropped baby to me late that night. We had agreed he wouldn't drink that night while having the baby, he usually drinks quite a bit at home at the weekend. I was worried he wouldn't wake if she was stirring or he would have her in the bed and it not be safe, many reasons and I didn't think it was strange to say don't drink while having her alone overnight for first time.
Anyway I got home the next day and found 3 large beer bottles empty, spoke to him and he said he had only drank one, the other two he drank the night before (I'd stayed away that night with the baby) I believed him, was annoyed he'd drunk despite us agreeing he wouldn't but didn't want to argue at that point. I then found a receipt for different beers from the night before and therefore knew these beers were from the day with the baby. So confronted him again and he carried on the lie to my face until I said I know it isn't true, he admitted yes he went and got the beers with the baby but only drank one and drank the other 2 after dropping baby to me. I'm fairly sure this is true but is beside the point. He's now saying he lied as he wanted " a beer" and knew I wouldn't agree.
Now am I going mad or is this a real problem? I know he likes a drink but I feel when you're lying about it and are not able to face no alcohol for one night while being the sole carer for your baby then that's a problem that needs addressing? He reckons this about me being controlling and that's why he didn't want to admit he would have a beer.
He's an alcoholic and sounds like a rubbish partner and a rubbish parent. What do you want to do?
It sounds like you've two babies and the older isn't responsible enough to look after the younger without supervision.
Is it just at the weekend he usually drinks two days/nights in a row or does he drink in the evening midweek too?
Did he feel bad for not being able to cope one night with his baby?
What I want is for him to admit it's but a problem and work on it instead of making it me being "a moaner"
He would drink every night and sometimes does if it hadn't already caused problems for us.
I even find to HAVE to drink two nights every week a bit much, but I'm made to feel that it's me being unreasonable
I do think it's strange that he couldn't manage it for one night. I asked my OH to do the same when he was looking after our baby alone the first few times as I felt more comfortable knowing he wasn't drinking when solely in charge of her.
Was he resenting you expecting that or did he really feel he couldn't not have a drink?
Sounds like a dependency to alcohol is definitely forming, if not already established
Why could he not cope for one night alone? Did he drop the baby back to you because he wanted to drink?
What do you get out of this relationship with this person?
He will never admit to himself, let alone you, that he has a problem with alcohol. You to him spoil his fun, he does not want you or anyone else to tell him what to do because that to him is you being controlling. Its all part of their script. The key word here is denial; he will deny anything and everything even when it is presented to him.
Your child ideally should not be raised within such an environment. This will affect your child going forward as well as you.
Hard as it is to read I would urge you to read this:-
He couldn't handle having the baby for ONE night even though he knew you desperately needed a break?
Not to mention he can't manage one night without alcohol?
Why are you with him??
Maybe im minimising but three beers isnt really very much tbh. I could probably have 3 beers with practically zero impact on my psyche
It's him, not you. If he's lying about drinking and can't manage to go without, particularly in the circumstances described, he has a problem with alcohol.
My advice would be to leave/kick him out. If he cannot admit he can't go without drink, and he cannot step up and be a supportive partner to you and father to his child, things will not get better, but they will get very much worse, believe me. Tell him what you think, be aware he may not accept it and will try to blame you (for nagging etc-it's not your fault) and be prepared to go it alone if it comes to it.
I really sympathise with you, I've been there and now, much further down the line, I wish I'd called it a day a long time ago.
Thanks everyone for the replies.
He dropped the baby back as when she woke he couldn't resettle her she is very dependant on me at night times.
@AttilaTheMeerkat you are right, And thank you for the link a lot of it did ring true.
There are lots of reasons we are together, not Least we have a young baby and I want to help him.
@splendidisolation 3 of the big bottles 660ml, but either way it's more the dishonesty and planned deceit, agreeing not to drink then going straight to get beers
Thank you @sunnysomewhere I completely agree and that is how I see the situation. But I just wanted to sound it out as when you hear so many times that you are controlling or a nag you do start to doubt yourself
What I don't know is what to do next, I don't know how to begin to help him unless he can admit he has a problem.
Oh fair enough i thought it was 3 of the normal bottles! :-/
There's every chance he was over the limit after drinking one of the large 660ml bottles - did he drive to drop baby off?
Either way, he's a tosser.
3 beers isn't that much BUT will take him over the drink drive limit AND indicates his motivation to drink comes first, before your welfare and that of little one.
You can't "help him" without him admitting stuff. Even after that you're role is difficult.
Don't get sucked in to his "rehab" drama. And DON'T keep giving 'chances'.
One statement about not drinking and that's it. Anything else and you will be stuck with a drinker for years to come and it won't end well either.
Yeah he drove.
I agree @Pannnn it always comes first above all else it seems. that's my fear.
I'm going to speak to him today and say I'm just not willing to stay in this situation unless he faces the fact that he has a problem.
He dropped the baby back as when she woke he couldn't resettle her she is very dependant on me at night times
Or else he could have just put some effort in, but then your baby stood between him and his precious alcohol.
The whole point was that he was going to give you a night off - even if this meant rocking/driving/playing with baby all night long. If she was easy at night you wouldn't need the break in the first place so why did he think he gets to quit at the first hurdle when you don't?! So annoying.
And alcohol wise, this is my exh all over. Used to send me upstairs to get some rest in the new born stage but would refuse not to drink so inevitably after 10 minutes of find myself unable to relax in case he fell asleep with baby on sofa etc so I'd end up.coming down and taking over. It transpired later on he was actually alcoholic.
You need to seriously work out whether this lazy, selfish alcoholic had a place in your future or if it is time for you to lay it out for him quite clearly and he either shapes up or ships out.
Oh and how old is the child? Next time don't tell him where you're staying and turn your phone off. He can contact you via whoever you're staying with if, and only if, there's an emergency
Why do YOU have to help him?
He absolutely has to help HIMSELF.
You can't do it for him.
You already have 1 baby, time to drop the oversized one and work on yourself and DC.
Look up co-dependency and see if you fit the bill.
Then tackle it.
Well I want to help him as I want it to be ok, I want for him to face the issue and us be able to be a family. Right now I'm not sure that's possible as we've been in a cycle of sweeping things under the carpet for so long. When I try and raise it with him he gets angry and nasty and turns it round to me and all the things wrong with me and if I get pulled into the argument I forget the original discussion we were trying to have.
I've asked him if he can face the issue and all he ever says is "what do you want me to never drink again, all I wanted was to relax and have a beer" it's always the same answer and I always try and explain he doesn't have a healthy relationship with alcohol when is causing him to lie and be sneaky and it's coming before us. But then I get told I'm unsupportive and judgemental
@Desmondo2016 that sounds very familiar, I not had a single evening where I can happily go to sleep knowing I can have w break as I'm always the one with the responsibility he has barely slept in the bedroom since baby born and hasn't helped with nightimes more than a handful of times
You cannot rescue or save him from his own self here. HE has to be the sole one to do that for him. Coercion or further enabling behaviours from you (and he will see it as such ) will not work and enabling only gives you a false sense of control. You did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this.
He's a total failure of a parent for a. Not being able to manage one night of parenting and b. Drinking while with the baby on his own.
He's a total failure as a partner because a. He doesn't share the burden and b. Because he doesn't listen to, care about or respect you.
He's an alcoholic because alcohol is causing him problems in his relationships. It really doesn't matter that it was 'just three beers'. Being an alcoholic isn't dependent on the amount you drink, it's dependent on the effect the drinking has on your life.
I completely agree @Offred it doesn't have to be going out getting hammered every night to be a problem.
Does anyone have experience with a situation like this working out well? As everything I'm hearing seems to be I either stay with him and it will be like this or worse forever or I leave him. What I really what is a way this can work out, I think the problem is it has to come from him? And that just doesn't seem it's going to happen right now.
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