Do you say you're going NC or just do it?

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

Hi,

I've posted about my mother before but things have really come to a head now. I snapped over a phone call last week where she informed me she is going into counselling to deal with having me as a daughter.

She's been what I suspect is narcissistic towards me for as long as I can remember. There's LOADS but mostly it was things like belittling me, not bothering to make sure I knew how to take care of myself (when I started my periods I had to go looking for a free pad they'd given away in 19 magazine, and go cap in hand to her later to ask her to buy me things which she made a huge drama about) she refused to come to my first parent's evening at a new high school because she said she didn't want to have to sit there and listen to the teachers tell her how great and clever I was when she knew different and I'd manipulated them.

She's excluded me from family holidays since I was 14 because I 'bring the mood down'.

I have two younger brothers who are totally adored by her and were treated totally differently.

Anyway, suffice to say she's a horror and the way I've preserved the self esteem I had left over the years was (after trying many times to forge some sort of relationship and failing miserably) to keep my distance. I think they call it grey rock. I am polite and cordial but she gets no detail/involvement in my life. I do not live close by and limit visits to my home town.

Anyway that all came to a head last week and I have decided I do not want her in my life at all, because I am not willing to accept that I am the nasty bitter person she says I am.

I cut her off from my social media and blocked her number. She's furious, and I got the inevitable Email about how I've devastated her by being so nasty, why couldn't I just get over things and move on now we are adults, she doesn't agree that it was anything more than a personality clash bla bla bla. She's ill from the stress and had to go on anti depressants, and other things that is quite frankly her emotionally blackmailing me.

She's informed me that all her friends and everyone she has talked to think I'm an absolute nightmare

Now I've had a 'flying monkey' visit (my little brother lives in the same city as me, as apparently I took him away from her) he has told me that mum doesn't understand what she's done wrong and he is supposed to act as a mediator.

Frankly, I've had a skin full of it and any sadness I had over having had a mother like that reared its head long ago and has mostly died down. Although obviously I will always feel sad about it. But my question is, so you tell the person why you do not want them in your life and why, it do you have to ride out all these blips before they get the message?

Any advice from anyone who's ever been in a similar situation is very welcome, thank you in advance!

[XJerseyGirlX]

OP, im so sad imagining what it would have been like to search for a free pad in a magazine because your mum wouldn't help you. And to be excluded from holidays , it brings tears to my eyes.
No, she doesn't deserve telling, she will work it out for herself.

You cant reason with stupid, so don't bother. Just go NC
Im so sorry you had to deal with that as a child, I cant imagine treating my daughter like that. x

[idontknowyou]

Bloody hell. Well done for coming out of such a bitter upbringing, and still having your head screwed on.
I thought my mum was nuts.
Just do it. No explanation given will get through to her by the sounds of it.
If she had put her hands up and admitted that she had failed when you was younger, and was showing some attempt at doing the right thing now then maybe. But by your explanation it seems that she will never see how awful she treated you. Sadly you are doing the right thing, by just blocking her out of your life.
Best wishes to you for the future and hope you have nice positive people around you now, you deserve it.

[TheWitchAndTrevor]

Just do it, anything else and it will be twisted, and gives them ammunition to drag out finding ways to get intouch, with their version, usually how nasty and unhinged you are.

Just walk away, and tell your brother it's not up for discussion.

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

Thanks for the lovely words On the while I have a pretty positive existence, good job, lovely friends and DP....I suppose NC just means everything would be pretty final (what the hell do I do about when I get married etc) and my relationship with my brothers? Although they do frustrate me that they never accept her treatment of me, I don't want to lose them altogether.

[Thebluedog]

Well done for getting out of the situation and getting the life you deserved

I wouldn't bother telling her, regardless of what you say, I suspect she will twist and turn it into your fault and add more drama.

Tell your brother that you don't want to talk about her with him and that your relationship with your mother is off limits.

NC means NC, and that includes conversations about her with family members too

to you

[XJerseyGirlX]

You just be firm! When you get married you tell your brothers they are invited.. But not your mum. If they choose to come then great, but if they don't then don't worry OP.

Also, any more conversations you TRY to have will just be met with more arguments and her telling you that you are wrong.
Don't enable that or give her the chance. Sorry you were stuck with a shitty mum, you owe her nothing.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Never invite your narc mother to your wedding.
Can you imagine the drama and upset she will cause.
Don't tell her why you are going NC.
She either won't believe you or turn back round onto you.
Play it by ear with your brothers.
Tell the flying monkey in no uncertain terms that you are NC and staying that way and if he keeps it up he'll go the same way.

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

I don't want to invite her to my wedding but what worries me more is the feeling that she'll just turn up anyway after getting the information out of my brothers! I am worried if its just easier to chuck her an invite and just get on with my day. I don't trust her to be there or not to be there if that makes sense.

Eloping is out of the question- a few elderly family members between us and friends with young babies and we want them all there.

[XJerseyGirlX]

Please don't invite her, she will spend the day saying horrible sarky nasty things to your guests and ruin your day.

Also, she doesn't deserve the "mother of the bride" status, she is no mother

Tell your brother the date, and not to pass the date onto your mother.
However, tell your brother, if she does hear of the date and turns up... she will be escorted off the premesis straight away which will cause her embarrassment and you will tell everyone why you have done so.
She surely will be too scared to turn up after that ?

[XJerseyGirlX]

ill come to your wedding OP, and ill escort her off the premises for you if she turns up. Id happily do it :-)

[RatherBeRiding]

No no no no do not invite her! It WILL NOT go well - NC means just that and there can be no exceptions or she will use the exception as a platform for her own narc behaviour.

Invite your brothers but you must impress on them that you are strictly NC with your mother and they must not say anything about it to her.

If the worst happens and she gets to hear of the date and venue - make sure someone is posted on the door to prevent her getting in. Sounds a bit drastic I know, but better a drama at the door before the ceremony than a massive drama half-way through.

You will have to be very clear and very firm with your brothers about this though, and make sure they know there will be no way on this planet she is getting in to your wedding so there is really no point telling her anything.

Unfortunately it may mean that your brothers feel they have to take sides. But that's their problem, and for them to work out.

[MoosicalDaisy]

Been there :)

Go totally NC not informing her. She doesn't deserve having a last say. Instead inform your brothers and find out right there and then which ones want to stay in contact with you, with the caveat of not mentioning your mother at all, and to not communicate any detail about you at all. Of course do not invite her to your wedding, you're going NC, if your brothers stick to the agreement you won't have anything to worry about.

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

Thanks JerseyGirl

At the moment it's a moot point anyway as there is no wedding until we've saved up for it which is taking bloody ages. It just stuck in my mind as it's something she said in the email: 'what are you going to do, leave me off your bloody wedding list?!'

[millifiori]

You could write her a direct letter explaining your terms. That you rewfuse to be scapegoated or blamed for her mental illness; that you refuse to pretend her rejection in adolescence didn't hurt or harm you and that you refuse to feel guilty for putting up protective barriers in adulthood as a result. You don't want to join in the drama about how awful you are and what hurt you cause and so you;d prefer to keep your distance.

But that's easier said than done. My father is a vicious, manipulative little narcissist and it took me 50 years to realise this. Though I've never been his scapegoat - he's that mean to everyone. Being her scapegoat must be really tough. My method of dealing with him is to be distant and civil, never to join in the mindgames he attempts to set up. He's realised soemthing has changed but cunning enough to notice I'm stronger, not weaker, and can't be manipulated so his attempts to even try have died down. That may happen for you with her. Hard to say.

As for the wedding, I can imagine that not inviting her would stir up a vast drama of epic proportions that she could turn into family rifts for years to come. In your situation I'd invite her and call on two or three trusted people - a friend and a family member who completely understand what she's like, to act as her minders. Sit her next to them and have them pander to her moods and demands so that they mop up her drama and you can focus on your spouse and yourself for once. But if that's too unbearable a thought I'd just low key invite people for 'lunch' and then surprise them all with your wedding so they can't let slip because they don't know. But you shouldn't have to shape your day round her moods, whether she's there or not. Plan the wedding you really want and then do mother-damage-limitation within those plans.

[MrsSthe3rd]

I think if you're planning on going NC before the wedding then it doesn't make sense to invite her anyway.

However, I really wouldn't invite her at all. I had an elderly relative like this, who was only like this with two female family members. She was poison and the males in the family didn't have a clue what she was like, and even though they never witnessed the treatment, they never doubted the females. Ever.

for you

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Do not respond further to your mother because any communication from you will give her an "in" to bother you even more. She should be blocked from your e-mail account in any case.

If you do become a parent one day you will need to keep your children well away from your mother also. They should not come into any contact with her. Your mother was not a good parent to you and she will do harm to any children you go onto have as well.

It is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist. She should certainly not be invited to your wedding. Not at all surprised that she sent in your brother aka the flying monkey to do her dirty work for her. He only acted in his own self interest here and did not want to hear your side of things. Therefore his opinion should be ignored anyway.

It may well be that your golden child brothers do not attend either but that won't be your fault either. They may well continue to side with their mother (so they do not become the scapegoat or target of her rages); if they do so then you will need to cut all contact with them as well.

BTW you do not mention your dad in all this; where is he?.

Do read and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

Thanks Atilla.

I didn't even know she had my email address

I started a new job last week and I can't help but think this is perfectly timed by her to bring me off my 'high horse' as she would put it- the first and only question she asked me about it was what the salary was.

My Dad is around but they divorced when I was 10. He's not a very involved parent himself sadly although he's not vindictive at all, just a bit...lassie faire. If I complain to him about my mum he just says 'oh dear, well, that's just what she's like I'm afraid'

I do have a step dad but I have NO idea what he thinks about anything. He's practically mute and will just go along with anything my mum does or says.

[SherbertLemon2011]

Nc. Tell flying monkey it is between you and her, you do not want to talk about her with him at all. you are prioritising the needs of you and dp.

Do not invite her to your wedding (yours not hers, you decide guest list and who will be happy for you and surround you with love) under any circumstances. If necessary give brothers the date and don't tell them location but organise a taxi to pick them up. Tell the taxi driver not to pick up a woman. As the wedding is a while away your brothers have time to get used to the situation and they would then hopefuloy not tell her thevdate etc

[665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast]

Thing is Harriet if she really thought you were such a nightmare she would have cut contact herself, she keeps you where you are because it has value to her.
The question you should be asking is what is she getting out of behaving like this? It will be something very positive for herself - (and yes will be based in Narcissism)
I am tempted to say that the way to win this is....but really there is no way to win. There is only stopping the game by putting down the rope and walking away. Not putting it down and seeing what happens.

If you tell her why - would you not just be repeating things you had already said? Things she has taken no notice of before. - iterating these again will just give her something else to wave around at people and say ooh how awful Harriet is, oooh pity me, see how I am at the centre of another drama...oohh see how long I can keep wailing about this and keeping peoples attention on me !
and she will add to this by coming back at you with a rebuttal - more drama - more ammunition, more histrionics as she stars in the story of her own life..
It took me an awfully long time to see how deeplybad Narcissism really is and to understand how completely and utterly irrelevant you are to a Narcissist.
Do what makes you happiest. She will extract what she can from it but it is best to make sure that any monkeys know you don't want to know what that is, or what she saying or doing.
or to sum up Do Not Feed The Narcissist (it encourages vermin)

[Gilead]

Bless you, it's so damned hard isn't it and you seem to have come out of it so well. Give it time and it's likely your brothers will see what has gone on. I am very close to the sister she tried for years to keep me apart from, and to one of the brothers too. Interestingly, the only brother that speaks to her, the only sibling in fact is also a bully and a narcissist. I went to his son's wedding and my mother behaved abominably, rude to other guests, vocalising her criticisms and perceived victories loudly. I walked away. So, as for your wedding, be grateful that she's not there to make your day all about her. I didn't miss her at my wedding in the slightest, in fact, looking back, I didn't give her a thought, which would have been a blessed relief. Just disengage and enjoy the peace.

[kittybiscuits]

I sent a text because I wanted to make my position absolutely clear. Just something brief and to the point. You just invite the people who you want to invite and warn the venue/appoint a bouncer. Sounds like a good decision.

[EssentialHummus]

Don't invite her to your wedding, and don't bother telling her you're going no contact. She'll just thrive on the drama.

[sonjadog]

I would wait to make a decision about the wedding until a lot nearer the time.

As you have now started the NC route, I´d keep on as you are now. If you send her a letter, she isn´t going to throw up her hands and say "You´re right, it is all my fault". It will just be more of the same, and that is what you are NC with her to stop happening. She is upset because now she has lost her personal punch bag. If you really were the nasty person she has decided you are, then she wouldn´t be so upset that you are staying away from her. Tell your brothers to keep out of it and put firm boundaries in place on what they are and are not allowed to communicate between you. It might be that without you to give a good kicking to when she fancies it, they might see a different side to her and be more understanding of the choice you have made.

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

I know, you're right- I need to steel myself and just leave it. It's not as if I'm missing a loving relationship with her anyway, I never had it.

DancesWithOtters that made me giggle- I wonder if Nelson would be my page boy