Now what?

[Misswhitman]

Hello, this is my first post on here. I am currently 13 weeks pregnant and have my first scan today. My boyfriend went to the pub last night to watch Chelsea and promised me that he would only have 2 pints. 3 days before we found out we were expecting (baby was planned) he found out his uncle had passed, not long after that he lost his nan. Since then he's been going out every Friday night and staying out until 6am. I broke up with him over this and he promised me he would change but I feel like last night was more of the same. He ended up staying out until 12:30 and drinking too much. He didn't come home even when he knew I was upset. He's now hungover and we're waiting for our scan appointment. Further to this, I checked his phone last week. He's been talking to his best friend (who is female) and saying how hard he's finding it, how I won't let him go out, how he misses his freedom and misses sleeping with other women and how he doesn't think it will work but is glad he's getting a baby out of it. He apologised and said he was just frustrated but now I get a sick feeling every time he's on his phone. I just don't know what to do. Apologies for the long thread I just have nowhere to turn.

[Apileofballyhoo]

I think what he said to his best friend tells you all you need to know.

[Misswhitman]

I think you might be right

[DianaT1969]

Did he like going out for drinks with his friends when you were dating? Once a week seems quite normal. I'm assuming he did. So he hasn't changed. He might be staying out late because he feels you are trying to control him. If you're 'checking' his phone there doesn't seem much trust and respect on your side. I think you need to re-look at this relationship.

[jeaux90]

You sound quite controlling to me. He probably feels a bit suffocated. And if my partner told me to only drink two pints I'd tell him to fuck off.

[Shoxfordian]

Yeah you do seem controlling

He shouldn't be asking permission to go out; he's an adult

[Misswhitman]

He doesn't need to ask for permission to go out. He goes out every weekend and I don't normally have an issue with it. The issue is he spends £250 every time, owes me money, rolls in at 8am and then spends the entire weekend in bed with a hangover. The entire weekend. The reason I asked him not to drink to excess last night is because he cannot function with a hangover and has to drive us for the scan today.

[Misswhitman]

The reason I checked his phone was because after his last night out he was on the phone to his friend and I overheard in the conversation that his friend had cheated on his pregnant girlfriend while they were out and that they had both done cocaine together. Oh and the week before that he drank drove, and the weekend before that he was too hungover to see his 3 year old nephew who he gets to see once every 6 months.

[averageguy1]

As well as everything else it seems he has a problem with drink and drugs ...is that the life that you want to bring a baby into ?

[HotNatured]

Why on earth did you decide it would be sensible to bring a baby into this mess?

[beesandknees]

Yeah im also wondering why a baby was planned in this situation?

Surely all this behaviour isn't brand spanking new?

It sounds like you need to start thinking about how you're going to cope without him, I doubt he will be around much. You say yourself he is in bed all weekend in any case - so you are likely to find that your parenting experience is going to be that of a single mother, even if he somehow manages to keep you from dumping him

[AdalindSchade]

Bollocks is the op controlling. She's just trying to manage living with an alcoholic and being pregnant.

Op I'm sorry but your relationship is over.

[Misswhitman]

The behaviour started when he lost his uncle. We have been together 3 years with no issues.

[gottachangethename1]

Crikey, why so much harshness towards the op. She's pregnant and scared that the father of her child is a knobbed. Questions such as why did you get pg are superfluous now. Do you have real life support op?

[TheNaze73]

He's breaking free from being controlled by the sounds of it

[Misswhitman]

I do but as the past 3 months have been so out of character for him I don't want to talk to my friends or family about it in case he snaps out of it. It's not about being controlled, it's about the fact my partner of 3 years has been pretty much unrecognisable since his uncle died.

[AnyFucker]

I wouldn't want a guy like this around a baby

You are not being controlling at all

You are not obliged to overlook prime dickhead behaviour like this just so you can be the "cool" girlfriend. Fuck that shit.

The thing is though, you need to dump him because you are on a different page to him. But you won't. You will carry on hoping he will man up and it ain't gonna happen

[RiseToday]

So you fell pregnant as the same time his uncle died?

I'm sorry to say that I think impending fatherhood is the cause of his shitty behaviour, rather than the bereavement of his uncle.

He may use that as his excuse to your face, but his text to his friend confirms it's actually the loss of freedom, the fact that your relationship has moved to the next level and poor old matey won't get to shag any other women.....

[Misswhitman]

We found out I was pregnant 2 days before his uncle and substitute father passed away. Prior to that he would go to the pub after work and have a few but come home at closing and and we'd do stuff at weekends. He never binged and never touched drugs. He's told me when we've managed to have a sit down conversation that all he thinks about is death and he's scared that me and the baby are going to die. To be honest I'm really concerned about him.

[AnyFucker]

Yep. You are gonna stay and swallow that shit. He's treating you like shit because he wants to.

[TheFaerieQueene]

Don't set the bar for yourself and your child so low.

[Misswhitman]

Yeah I think I need to give him time to either get it together or not. I've tried to support him through it but I'm exhausted and I feel like I'm enabling. I'm lucky enough to be mortgage free and in secure employment. Everything is in my name.

[Crazyunicornlady]

He is bereaved and not coping well and it sounds like he needs a lot of support. The thought of fatherhood is also clearly an issue - having just lost his own father figure he's now facing becoming one himself. Stop bank rolling his excesses and start trying help him to get through it. Also find your own transport to the hospital, he was probably still over the limit!

[RiseToday]

"saying how hard he's finding it, how I won't let him go out, how he misses his freedom and misses sleeping with other women and how he doesn't think it will work but is glad he's getting a baby out of it"

Yet he tells you he is so afraid of you and baby dying to justify his behaviour?! Doesn't quite add up does it?

Thank god the house is in your name and you are financially secure.