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Relationships

I thought I was clever about relationships but I've been stupid

4 replies

namechangerUser · 22/08/2017 13:17

A couple of years ago I met a single man who made a big impact on me. I felt close to him quickly but he said that he didn't want a relationship. We'd kissed but not slept together. I was so disappointed and I told him so! I was shocked that he didn't value what I perceived to be something valuable. Ha.
He said he wanted to be friends but that felt like see ya round to me.
However he didn't disappear, far from it. It felt so right to me, communicating with him that I just felt continually confused during our 'friendship'. So he shot down a relationship. I shot down sex (which he wanted). My initial instinct was to walk away but he kept contacting me. He implied he was a hermit. Didn't imply it, he used the word. Implied his parents' had been overly enmeshed with him and that that had impacted upon his ability to even have a relationship. He never had any girlfriends in the present although he referred to exes. He presented me with a version of himself who was in therapy for his parents' enmeshment with him and his anxiety. I felt a bit sorry for him for being so avoidant. This was the script I'd been fed. Anyway, I suppose because I imagined that it wasn't personal, ie, wasn't a specific rejection of me I cut him some slack and there was over lap between friendship and relationship. We were communicating with each other far too much for a definition of friendship in my view. If I'd been married it would have been an emotional affair put it that way. The reason I feel stupid is because I was cyber spying on him, don't ask, but I'm glad, I read something he'd written about his 'partner' earlier this year. I know whatever it was is over now because I was in his house all weekend recently but that's not the point. This comment online was made only shortly after the period during which he was busy implying to me that he was a hermit, that his parents would be delighted if he met somebody, blah blah blah. I just feel such a used tool. I knew he didn't want a relationship with me but he worked hard to make me think that it wasn't personal, and of course it was. It's always personal. I do value myself. I would never have got so enmeshed with him as a friend if I'd known where he really stood. As it stands now we are vaguely friendly now, I guess. But I feel shocked that he'd lie to me to get his needs met. The need to be connected while waiting for a girlfriend worth having I mean Confused Hmm I'm cross on behalf of the hopeful, honest, optimistic about dating post-divorce person I was when I first met him. He just stood in my doorway until I walked away and reduced the contact to staying in touch.
There's nothing anybody can say to make me feel more of an idiot. I am cross with myself. I am a bit lonely too though and he is somebody I feel at ease talking to, so I have to resist the temptation to ever, ever confide in him again. Even though the dynamic between us feels familiar because of my parents' neglect of me.
I'm fine now. I don't know why I'm posting this. I just feel shocked that I was so hoodwinked when I think I'm so clever.

OP posts:
Mrsjohnmurphy · 22/08/2017 13:35

Sorry you were taken in. Happens to the best of us,shows you have faith in human nature,. It's not about being clever, if you aren't of the bent to use others for your own means without a single thought for their needs, it's difficult to comprehend.
Do they churn these fuckers out in a factory somewhere Hmm

namechangerUser · 22/08/2017 13:37

Thanks MrsJohnMurphy
It happens to the best of us. That is the comment that makes me feel the least taken in! Wine
They do churn these guys out in a high quantity. I have been thinking about how in the course of internet dating I have felt a bit close to two men and twice I have managed to say ''I don't want us to go out'' which lets them know that it is personal. I feel it is important to be clear. Being deliberately unclear, well, I'll add it to my long, long, long list of things to look out for in the future.

OP posts:
PopeMortificado · 22/08/2017 13:39

You aren't the first and won't be the last.

The good thing is that you didn't sleep with him. This is a great thing to hold on to mentally because plenty of women in that situation would have got suckered in.

It's really common for people (men and women) to selfishly take what they can get out of a situation/relationship for their own benefit.

I don't know if you watched any of that Eden: Paradise Lost programme but Oli did exactly this to Rachel. He was all " I don't want a relationship" but pulling her in to him in bed for a cuddle.

People are selfish. If you care about someone deeply and want a relationship with them, you are ALWAYS in a vulnerable position if they don't feel the same.

It doesn't mean you are stupid. It means he is a user and you are not cynical.

namechangerUser · 22/08/2017 20:24

Thanks. I was thinking earlier when I was out shopping that if his mother "enmeshed'' him and parentified him then he ''enmeshed'' me in a weird neither one thing nor another friendship. Just want to get him out of my head now. And I will now I've realised that he is so far from the catch I once thought he was. Once I thought I couldn't be so lucky to 'win' him. Now I know that my behaviour and my words are more congruent, and I'm not just handing myself a medal for showing up there. I was in the reversed position, liking two men I've met, wanting to be friends but not wanting a relationship but neither time did I mislead them by leaving the with you part of the I don't want a relationship speech. Thank you both. Drawing a line under the residual feelings I had for him. Bagging them and sending them to landfill.

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