A couple of years ago I met a single man who made a big impact on me. I felt close to him quickly but he said that he didn't want a relationship. We'd kissed but not slept together. I was so disappointed and I told him so! I was shocked that he didn't value what I perceived to be something valuable. Ha.
He said he wanted to be friends but that felt like see ya round to me.
However he didn't disappear, far from it. It felt so right to me, communicating with him that I just felt continually confused during our 'friendship'. So he shot down a relationship. I shot down sex (which he wanted). My initial instinct was to walk away but he kept contacting me. He implied he was a hermit. Didn't imply it, he used the word. Implied his parents' had been overly enmeshed with him and that that had impacted upon his ability to even have a relationship. He never had any girlfriends in the present although he referred to exes. He presented me with a version of himself who was in therapy for his parents' enmeshment with him and his anxiety. I felt a bit sorry for him for being so avoidant. This was the script I'd been fed. Anyway, I suppose because I imagined that it wasn't personal, ie, wasn't a specific rejection of me I cut him some slack and there was over lap between friendship and relationship. We were communicating with each other far too much for a definition of friendship in my view. If I'd been married it would have been an emotional affair put it that way. The reason I feel stupid is because I was cyber spying on him, don't ask, but I'm glad, I read something he'd written about his 'partner' earlier this year. I know whatever it was is over now because I was in his house all weekend recently but that's not the point. This comment online was made only shortly after the period during which he was busy implying to me that he was a hermit, that his parents would be delighted if he met somebody, blah blah blah. I just feel such a used tool. I knew he didn't want a relationship with me but he worked hard to make me think that it wasn't personal, and of course it was. It's always personal. I do value myself. I would never have got so enmeshed with him as a friend if I'd known where he really stood. As it stands now we are vaguely friendly now, I guess. But I feel shocked that he'd lie to me to get his needs met. The need to be connected while waiting for a girlfriend worth having I mean I'm cross on behalf of the hopeful, honest, optimistic about dating post-divorce person I was when I first met him. He just stood in my doorway until I walked away and reduced the contact to staying in touch.
There's nothing anybody can say to make me feel more of an idiot. I am cross with myself. I am a bit lonely too though and he is somebody I feel at ease talking to, so I have to resist the temptation to ever, ever confide in him again. Even though the dynamic between us feels familiar because of my parents' neglect of me.
I'm fine now. I don't know why I'm posting this. I just feel shocked that I was so hoodwinked when I think I'm so clever.
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Relationships
I thought I was clever about relationships but I've been stupid
4 replies
namechangerUser · 22/08/2017 13:17
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