Cheating Ex - Strange behaviour!

[LDNBEN]

Hi all

I'll keep it brief as i know your all busy
My GF of 14+ years cheated so I ended it.
We still live in the same house while we wait the sale to go through , plus we have 2 children. It's very tense and communication is not too good. We are now about 4 months on.

My question is why is she angry and bitter towards me and she doesn't show any remorse for what she has done?

I'm doing well in moving on and building my self up again but I'm confused by her actions.

[WhooooAmI24601]

Perhaps seeing you there every day reminds her of the damage she's caused and rather than own it she's pushing it onto you?

Perhaps she's not sorry underneath?

Perhaps she has MH issues.

Ultimately, nobody can tell you why. I do know that splitting up when you have DCs is a hideous experience and all you can do is work on how you and the DC's cope. But don't tie your self-esteem up with her apology or her contrition. Your self-esteem needs to come from being a great Dad, being a great example for your DCs and knowing that you didn't screw up on your Ex despite being incredibly upset with her.

[PamDooveOrangeJoof]

Because if she doesn't try and turn it all around on you, it would mean she would have to admit to herself that she's a shithead.

[IDoDaChaCha]

People who don't show remorse are generally not sorry. Re her anger and bitterness, she could still have deep feelings for you. If she didn't care she'd probably have moved on emotionally too.

[Whoknows11]

My ex cheated whilst I was pregnant with our 2nd child. In the last 2 years he's been so awful to me and angry. In the early days I was confused by it but it now makes sense. He tried blaming me so he didn't have to feel so guilty at what he did. He couldn't own up to anything and seeing me and my children reminded him of what he'd done. Plus the fact I managed so well without him, he wasn't expecting!

They are clearly the ones with issues.

[SandyY2K]

She might be angry that you weren't willing to forgive her.

Perhaps the thought of being a single parent (and will only get CS from you which isn't much) and doesn't thrill her with pleasure....plus she may have realised that the OM used her for easy sex and now sees it wasn't worth it.

These things make people angry with themselves, but it's easier to take it out on the person physically closer to you.

I have to also say that the realisation she doesn't get the financial benefit of a married /divorced woman could be another reason she's angry.

I bet your glad you never married her eh. You could be stuck with having her as a liability for years to come.

[LDNBEN]

Thanks every one for your comments
I have wandered about her MH as her behaviour is very out of character. In fact the whole cheating was very out of character - it's like she has become another person !

[rosabug]

might find this enlightening:

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201306/anger-how-we-transfer-feelings-guilt-hurt-and-fear

[LDNBEN]

Thanks - interesting read

[MsGameandWatching]

I don't think it has to be anything like that - feeling guilt etc. If she felt regret, she would surely be showing remorse, which she isn't. The relationship is over, she wants to move on. Most people don't want to live with their ex, whatever the circumstances of the break up.

[MsGameandWatching]

I'm sorry but I don't agree with that at all, in my experience most people don't care because they usually manage to find a way to justify their bad behaviour often by coming up with reasons to pin it onto the other person. You read that on here all the time, exes behaving all utter arses and saying all manner of blaming, hurtful things to the wronged person. It's certainly what I have experienced repeatedly in my real life. Sure some people may move quickly to remorse but mostly they run from confronting themselves and blame it on the other person or at the very least believe that the other person played their part too.

[ravenmum]

Because if she doesn't try and turn it all around on you, it would mean she would have to admit to herself that she's a shithead.

Nice simple description of this complicated psychological effect :)
Also see "cognitive dissonance": the nasty feeling you get when all signs seem to be suggesting that you might not be a Lovely Person, and your brain tries to right that dissonance by bending reality to make you lovely again.

That feeling that this is a totally new person is something I think many of us are familiar with. I actually use my ex's full name now (à la "Michael" instead of "Mike"), as it feels like Mike has gone, taken away by the fairies in the night.

[mummmy2017]

There may be reasons why she cheated, and she might have never thought of the fall out of cheating.
She will be bitter as she has lost her home, and is now looking forward to a frightening time of uncertainty.
Also you just be projecting something as your hurt as well.
Plus there is the embarrassment of her cheating on you, and the children must know something is up.

[PaganGoddessBrigid]

oh don't waste your time ''worrying'' about her mental health.

She cheated on you and it's over now. Don't ''worry'' about her Mental Health. That is what abusive men do. She cheated. Her relationship is over. She's got a lot of rebuiliding to do. It's not the best time of her life is it?

What behaviours from her would not indicate the need for concern over her mental health?

If she were weeping and pleading for forgiveness and saying sorry every day, would you feel concerned for her mental health? That would seem more worthy of concern to an outsider if it is genuinely her mental health that concerns you.

[ravenmum]

PganGoddess, that sounds like OP is not genuinely concerned about his partner of 14 years' mental health, and that he's just pretending to be, because he's an abuser? Seems a bit of a leap - I've seen other partners here who still genunely feel responsible for their partners' wellbeing after a split. It can be a hard habit to get out of.

[ravenmum]

(Oh, sorry if you are a woman OP :D)

[LDNBEN]

My ex is the mother of my 2 children so I will always have an interest in her well being. I need her to be healthy and strong so she can be a good mother.
I had worries as her behaviour was such a change from her norm.

[averageguy1]

Op I was the same as you 4 yrs ago ( ex with my problems) , after the split we only lived together for 2 weeks to sort the logistics out ..in that time I felt the same as you and my now exw was projecting all the blame on me including me starting a new job making her stressed and craving attention of another man ??? ..once you have moved apart things will improve and most importantly keep it real for the children.
Ps you might get a bit of a rough ride on here of some but certainly not all .

[averageguy1]

Sorry ex with mh problems not my 🙄

[LDNBEN]

Really hope that when we sell and move house I can move a lot quicker.
Maybe the bitterness is part of her guilt & remorse - who knows and I guess who cares really.
I know the truth and can't sleep with a clear
conscience.
Thank again for all your posts - very helpful

[LDNBEN]

Sorry - meant I can sleep with a clear conscience.