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How to resist the 'hearts and flowers '

11 replies

LinManWellWellWell · 19/08/2017 12:57

So, I'll try and be brief. I told DH a few weeks ago that I want a divorce after years of suffering through the abuse cycle. He was shocked and upset and begged me to give him August at least. I agreed, reluctantly, in the hope of a peaceful summer holiday.

I took the kids to my parents for a bit which was so lovely and whilst I was there met up with a support worker from a local domestic abuse service. We talked a lot and she confirmed that it was an abusive/controlling relationship and whilst she can't tell me what to do, to stay would mean long term psychological damage for me and the kids. This was so helpful as I felt validated in my decision and fully determined it's the right thing. I have a solicitor appointment in September and my support worker says just keep my head down until I have proper legal advice...dont talk about splitting up or anything that might aggravate him.

The difficulty is, since we got home he's been So nice. Cooking, cleaning, playing with the kids etc...I know in my head that's it's all part of the cycle and not to be lured in, but I honestly feel like I'm fighting against some kind of magic spell! It's really irritating. I find being angry much easier.

Can you snap me out of it? He's not going to change long term, is he?

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ButtHoleinOne · 19/08/2017 14:17

It's so so so easy to give 5 minutes of acting like a normal person. He can't do it forever. It's acting. It's all it is. And if it was easy for him to do long term... why didn't he care about you enough to don't before?

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AndTheBandPlayedOn · 19/08/2017 14:32

It is superficial "lip service" and you know it. You already know the real him so any amout of "nice-nice" isn't going to change his fundamental character.

Giving him August is so he can get his ducks in a row...watch out.

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HebeJeeby · 19/08/2017 15:49

This would confirm my decision to leave to be honest. So he can behave like a decent human, so why hasn't he done so in the past? It's because there's now something in it for him. Wait until he's had what he wants and he'll revert to type. Don't be fooled and follow the advice you've been given.

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Boredboredboredboredbored · 19/08/2017 15:53

Its all an act. Just stand back watch the performance and give him a round of applause in your head for such fine acting. That is all it is, he will not change because he can't. If he loved and respected you he would never have put you in the position you are in now. Do not be fooled otherwise you will be writing the very same thing years from now wishing you had gone through with leaving.

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AnyFucker · 19/08/2017 16:04

If he can do it now, why didn't he do it before

Let him back in your heart and you will be back at square one within the month. And just that little bit more worn down.

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RidingWindhorses · 19/08/2017 16:14

If you want to be really naive you stay with him while this continues until he reverts to normal and then file for divorce. It would be a waste of time though.

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Seeingadistance · 19/08/2017 16:19

Stay angry if that helps.

See past the hearts and flowers to the shite and power shows. Reflect on how, as pp have already pointed out, he is capable of behaving well when he chooses, and yet he chooses to be abusive and controlling.

See him for who he really is, stay angry, take action.

I found that keeping a written record of all the shite was helpful.

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Seeingadistance · 19/08/2017 16:22

Anger is seriously underrated, tbh. Anger can be good, cathartic, motivating, uplifting, empowering, spiritual.

We grow up being told that anger isn't for us. Not lady-like.

Use that anger.

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DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 19/08/2017 16:37

No he isn't going to have changed overnight. I would be on pins wondering how long the nicey nicey act lasts. He knows that if he can fool the children into thinking how good Dad is it becomes extra difficult for you to rock the boat.

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LinManWellWellWell · 19/08/2017 17:44

This is excellent thank you I knew you'd all come through for me! I know all this in my head but I find it quite scary how my emotions are all over the place. He keeps trying to give me a hug or hold my hand. Just trying to remind myself that if he truly respected me he'd give me the boundaries I asked for.

I know people wonder why women in this situation stay...but honestly it is a mindf**k. I read in the Lundy Bancroft book about traumatic bonding, but how in this case the perpetrator and the 'rescuer' are the same person.

Just wish I had a time machine to fast forward this bit.

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LinManWellWellWell · 23/08/2017 12:49

Yesterday was a really wobbly day. He is still hugging me on a regular basis. Then I came back from being out with the kids, picked up my book and found that it was a letter inside...tucked inside one of our wedding invitations (!). All saying very appealing things about how he hadn't realised what we all meant to him until he saw he might lose it all. How he doesn't know if his behaviour over the last few weeks has had any impact on me (well it's shown me he can be nice if there's something in it for him!), how he feels sure there is a future for the 4 of us, but he knows it's a tall order to ask for a second chance...etc etc. I really wobbled. Then later on I sprayed something on my hair in the bathroom and the floor was a bit slippy. He made some comment about this is why he'd asked me not to do that. There was no raised voice, no anger, but my entire stomach went into knots immediately. How could I ever, ever relax around him?!!

Working hard to remind myself that there are 3 victims in this situation (me and the children) and I the only one with the power to do anything about it!