childless friends are distant and just don't understand anymore

[elizarose81]

I've just joined mums net and just want other mums to chat to.

I have a toddler and have developed my own business part time. I love developing my business as its my hobby and I get a lot out of it, I love being a mum, I feel this is what I was destined to be.

I have a small group of friends and I'm the first in my group to have a baby, I find this isolating as I just don't think they get me anymore, I feel uncomfortable talking about my son as I feel they're just not interested.
A I the boring one now that can't go out drinking or just turn up at a last minute cinema trip.i've moved 40 minutes drive from them too. To me its not that far and I drive up and down all the time.But I think they've probably come down to me 4 times in the last 3 years. I always have to go up there with son with me or dropping him off with family so I can se my friends.

One of my friends in the group I'm closer to has come down a few more times snd made the effort and we talk a lot more than the others, but I feel one by one my friends are becoming distant. The closer friend was really annoyed at me recently because I was 20 minutes late for a meet up which is understandable but that morning I dropped my son at nursery, worked on my business stuff, picked my son up, got petrol, stopped off for a loo break on the way, changed my son as he had a leak. I think I did pretty well to get there considering the morning I had. When she confronted me and said I was wasting up her time it just made me feel shit. Do all my friends feel like this about me?, is that why they are becoming distant? do they understand that its hard work to get me and my son ready to then drive 40 minutes up to meet them, so sometime I maybe 10 minutes late, its understandable right? I've really tried the past year to be on time for everything and theres been 3 occasions where I've been slightly late. Should I just drop my group of friends completely and start looking for completely new mum friends, just so I can stop feeling guilty for being a mum and not being able to do certain things and not worry what they think of me if I'm a bit late now and again!
I've tried making friends in baby groups, but apart from hellos and brief chats I don't know what to do or feel like I'll be forcing my contact details on them! it's like doing all over again! lol. I have one baby friend thats near me who's lovely, but would love to meet more.

Since my friend confronted me yesterday I've just felt so down on myself, and feel I really have no friends to confide in or 'get me ' anymore. Any one going through something similar?

xx

[runsmidgeOMG]

Hi lovely !
We all run late occasionally so I think your friend overreacted especially as your son had a leak... they can be difficult to deal with especially when out !

You'll find unfortunately that some of the people you thought would be around forever won't be and discover friendships you never thought would happen. You discover your true friendships when you become a parent. I wouldn't expect childless friends to keep making all the sacrifices and put themselves out always, it works both ways but a little understanding goes a long way 😊

[Cricrichan]

She sounds like a shit friend. I've had friends have children before we did and vice versa and we've just accomodated our children. Or if a friend works shifts etc, we would also accommodate her.

I'd get new friends op.

[emilybrontescorset]

I think it is natural when you have a baby to loose touch with childfree friends.
I also think you moving away had t helped.
I wouldn't take it personally, your friendship groups will change throughout your life,
I made other friends when I had children and now that my dcs are older I'm loosing touch with those friends too.
Circumstances make Some friendships stronger.

[Angelf1sh]

I don't think it's really ever possible for someone not in a situation to fully understand it, so no your childfree friends do not understand what it's like to have kids. Your friend may have overreacted to a 20 minute delay if you told her you were running late but if you didn't tell her and just left her hanging I can completely understand why she was annoyed. Your time isn't more important than hers (especially to her) regardless of the fact that you had childcare to deal with. I'd tell her how much you were upset by her comments and see if you can reset the friendship back on track. Sometimes we feel people are becoming distant when their not really. We put an absence of visits down to our friends not wanting to see us when actually it's just that they have their own stuff going on. Sometimes we project our own insecurities (and you do sound a bit insecure op) onto others.

Talk to your friends and tell them how you feel. There's no point in dumping a group of friends if theirs no reason to, especially if you'll find it hard to make new ones.

[Angelf1sh]

*there's

[Angelf1sh]

Also *they're ffs 🙄

[blankface]

You'll find this throughout your life. In a friendship group, once your circumstances change and theirs don't, you're no longer a comfortable fit because your lives are too different and you can't behave like you did before.
Then you'll find a new group of friends and social acquaintances and because you're all similar, you'll get along with them well, then there will be another change in your circumstances, rinse and repeat.

The only constant in life is change

[MyheartbelongstoG]

Your friend definitely over reacted, what a cow bag.

I'd find news friends op as they haven't bothered much in the last three years have they.

[PurpleDaisies]

Did you let her know you were running late? I'd have been pissed off if I'd just been left to sit and wait and expected to suck it up because you've got a child.

[twattymctwatterson]

I hate it when people are late. I have a friend who always turns up late and I'm left sitting in coffee shops and even outside her house waiting for her. In those circumstances 20 mins feels like forever. I am a working single parent but still manage to get to places on time because I don't believe that my time is any more important than others.
OP I understand that having a young child is all consuming at times but perhaps they feel like you now go on as though your time is more precious than theirs. Do you talk about your baby and business quite a bit? Do they maybe feel like you're a bit smug nowadays?

[Belindaboom]

Whatever pp said it's natural to lose childless friends - no it's not. Effort and give and take works both ways. A huge part of it will be non understanding on their side though (I say that as a child free person!). You both need to work on it, try to meet without your DS every so often.