I met someone

[Outedlasttimenamechangeagain]

Hi,

I've posted previously about an abusive relationship and what's come after no contact.

I've said I'm not ready for anything with anyone new. That was until I started messaging my new "friend" we'll call him A.

A and I have known each other a while, when things were ending with my ex he was flirtatious with me but I made it clear nothing would happen as I was not in the right place. He started messaging me again recently and I've realised I like him. However, A seems to be more for a no strings attached type thing.

As I like him, I've told him no strings attached will not be happening, because I could end up having feelings for him. He accepted this but hasn't stopped messaging (I haven't stopped messaging him either). Sometimes the messages become very sexual and I have to remind him to stop. Which he does, I can't help but wonder if he may want something more or just sex, based on these times and that he's still talking to me.

I catch him watching me sometimes (we haven't met up but frequent similar places) and I find myself looking for him. This is also confusing to me. He gives me butterflies and it's nice.

The main issue I have is sometimes he makes jokes, about rape or abortion. I can't describe these as light jokes because I find them abominable, in any regard. I know he's joking, but to me this is a huge turn off. Yet for some reason I can't tell him this.

Am I overthinking this, or does that mean I'm not ready to date? If I can't set my boundaries on something that seems so minor? Or maybe I am as I can set my boundaries around sex?

Sorry it's so long, can anyone help me make sense of my jumbled thoughts?

[Ellisandra]

Is it minor, to not want to date an arsehole who thinks rape jokes are funny?

Pretty fucking major to me. You're already getting yourself into another abusive relationship.

How about you put the time you were spending sexting him, into doing the Freedom Programme online?

[Sparklepants]

Are you serious? What sort of cunt makes jokes about rape and abortion?

[Ilovefraybentos]

You're repeating the pattern.

[thestamp]

Please get counselling.

Don't sleepwalk into another horrific relationship.

And no, the fact he's still contacting you isn't a sign he wants more than sex. He knows you're vulnerable and senses that if he keeps you on the back burner long enough, you'll change your mind and give him the sex he's after.

Please don't be a mug. Listen to what he has already clearly told you.

[Aussiebean]

I think the most telling for me is that he is not respecting your boundaries.

You have said you don't want no strings attached or sexual contact yet he repeatedly pushes that line until you have to remind him.

That is not respectful to you at all.

[OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow]

He's a creepy fucking vulture. Block him now, focus on you. A new relationship is not whatt you need now.

[daisychain01]

As I like him, I've told him no strings attached will not be happening, because I could end up having feelings for him

If you don't want a relationship, which you were clear with this person you do not, then don't give them the upper hand by suggesting you might develop feelings for them. Just block and move on.

No need to keep something going when it adds no value to your life or happiness. Be choosey, don't let a low life like this get anywhere near you, emotionally or otherwise.

[daisychain01]

He knows you're vulnerable and senses that if he keeps you on the back burner long enough, you'll change your mind and give him the sex he's after

^ yes, this. By letting him know you could develop feelings he already has his nasty foot in the door, and is pushing on it, but not in a nice way.

[SuperSkyRocketing]

You may have boundaries but he's testing them to the max. Don't date this guy.

There are red flags flying everywhere and that was before you mentioned the rape and abortion jokes.

Don't be flattered by him. Block him from your life and take some time out from dating to realise that you deserve so much more than a man who finds rape and abortion amusing.

[HerOtherHalf]

It feels like you're attraction to him is causing you to minimse all the glaring warning signs. As far as the jokes go, I have a reputation for being a joker. I have a schoolboy sense of humour and can be coarse enough to shock a sailor. However, jokes are about making people laugh so if i sense I'm going too far for someone's comfort i reign it right back. I also never joke about rape, abortion or abuse because, frankly, i can't find anything remotely humorous in those subjects. I think for anyone, your potential suitor sounds like a dodgy bet. For someone who has been the victim of an abuser previously i think you should run like the wind. The risk is far too high.

[Outedlasttimenamechangeagain]

Thank you all,

I hadn't even realised these are red flags, I thought this was more an issue with my boundaries.

The last thing I want is more abuse, I'm going to knock this on the head.

[HeavenlyEyes]

Have you done the freedom programme and had counselling?

[TennisAtXmas]

I think you're feeling flattered by his attention, but if you apply logic, he's not in any way a good match. Focus on making new friends OP, or doing thing you enjoy. You've handled it well so far, by telling him (twice or more) that you dont want a relationship, but it sounds like you could do with a bit of time to get on an even keel before dating.

[LadyWithLapdog]

Good decision, OP. Knock this on the head.

[Outedlasttimenamechangeagain]

I haven't completed the freedom program yet, I have had counselling though.

I am about to sound like a terrible person,

Tennis I am flattered by his attention you are right.

I've just realised I don't want to stop things because he's paying me attention and for the first time in weeks, I'm not plagued by thoughts of how my ex hurt me.

I have an active social life, I have amazing friends, I'm back taking part in the a group I used to be part of. My life is really good right now and I am so happy. Which shocks me because I never thought it would happen. My long rambling question is, how do I stop thinking of my ex and how hurt I am without using a man to do so?

[TennisAtXmas]

how do I stop thinking of my ex and how hurt I am without using a man to do so?
I think you have to be patient with yourself, gently divert your thoughts onto something nicer each time you think of your ex, and keep on with enjoying interests and a good social life; he will fade to a less vivid memory, but it takes ages, unfortunately!
I can't tell you how long OP, but I can confidently say that using any bloke to distract yourself, however nice the man, is a really bad idea! Its a clique, but you have to get to feeling happy and complete in yourself, before you let someone new get close in that way.

[Outedlasttimenamechangeagain]

I have purposefully not messaged A today, he hasn't messaged me either, if he does message me I'll tell him no more.

Thing is, I do feel happy and complete in myself, it's more that he slips into my thoughts and I feel the hurt again. Which is so annoying, he's a worm and mostly I couldn't care less what he's doing.