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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Photo of ex in wallet

31 replies

Morgan14 · 12/08/2017 00:42

So.....

My boyfriend of 3 years had a photo of his ex in his wallet (they were together for 10 years and have a child together) I knew the picture was in there as one time I spilt the contents of the wallet and saw it but I figured that it might have been there for long time and he didn't realise he still had it. God knows I've got some old crap in my purse I've long forgotten about. Today he cleared his wallet out, threw out all the old receipts etc. I looked and he's neatly placed the photo of the ex back in. I asked him and he said he doesn't know why he wanted to keep it. What would you guys think if you were me?

OP posts:

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loaferloveforyou · 12/08/2017 00:45

Is it just her? Not her and the child?

Either way it's weird. He's not over her. I would not be happy if DH had a pic of his ex in his wallet. If it's of her and the child then surely he could find one of just the child?

Morgan14 · 12/08/2017 00:48

No it's not got his daughter in it. It's a passport type photo of just the ex.

OP posts:

loaferloveforyou · 12/08/2017 00:49

I would think after 3 years he's still not over her or he thinks of it as some lucky charm. I would not be happy.

Morgan14 · 12/08/2017 00:51

No I'm really really not happy about it. What should I do about it though?

OP posts:

thestamp · 12/08/2017 01:00

I'm not sure what you can do about it? I mean - perhaps he still has feelings for her. Can you really have an effect on that?

I feel this is the kind of thing that you either need to have compassion for and accept as just one of those things - i mean - I'm sure he would prefer not to have lingering feelings! - or end the relationship.

loaferloveforyou · 12/08/2017 01:24

If it was me I would ask him for a reason. "I don't know" isn't a good enough reason.

I would then go forward depending on his reply.

If he carried on saying he didn't know I would question the relationship.

How is the relationship otherwise?

Morgan14 · 12/08/2017 01:59

We have a very good relationship. The ex is an issue though. Classic case of sour grapes. She constantly causes trouble, very controlling of where and when he can see his daughter etc etc. Which after 3 years I would have expected her to have gotten over it and moved on with her life.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 12/08/2017 03:17

I think it might be a reminder of what could have been, and that's not always a bad thing. They share a child together. The break up of a family is horrid for everyone involved, and maybe this photo helps him to remember that once he did love her, and even after all the shit he's been through, this woman is still his child's mother. Emotions are very complicated things. This picture might help him in keeping from completely hating her, because no matter what, that wouldn't help in regards to his child. Not everything is simple black and white, and that doesn't mean he loves you any less or wishes he could still be with his ex.

troodiedoo · 12/08/2017 03:33

I'd ditch him just for saying he doesn't know why he has it . Ugh! As if that absolves him. Not good enough!

SleightOfHand · 12/08/2017 03:44

Aquamarine makes a good point. I have a photo of my ex in a locket, all be it with our child too but that wouldn't stop me falling in love
with another man now. We were together a long time, that's another part of my life, it's no good trying to deny it happened. btw, I'd like to keep the locket, I wouldn't wear it though.

SleightOfHand · 12/08/2017 03:47

Ps if all else is good with the relationship I wouldn't worry.

VisitorFromAlphaStation · 12/08/2017 04:08

SleightOfHand has said it all, really. I wouldn't personally see an issue with it at all. You'd normally not just erase 10 years of memories and they do have a child together. You might expect, later on, that they two of them, the pair, might be invited to that child's future wedding while you are perhaps not, and that is also totally ok for a child to invite their mum and dad. A photo - I don't see a problem with it at all. I wouldn't even see it as a problem if he'd put up framed family pictures of the child and ex on the mantle piece (at least not if they're both in the same picture) but that's just me, my opinion.

RainyApril · 12/08/2017 04:59

I still have a passport photo of me and my ex in my purse. He had an affair and I threw him out several years ago. I don't love him or want to get back with him, and he would not be any sort of barrier to me loving someone else. Yet I keep that photo tucked away like a secret, and seeing it from time to time makes me sad because it takes me back to a time when we were really happy. It's like an acknowledgement of the fact that he was and will always be an enormous part of my life. I can't explain it really. I wish we had managed to make it work, but we didn't.

Op, I don't think you need to be unduly concerned if things are otherwise good. If you ask him to remove it, he probably will but I expect it'd end up elsewhere rather than destroyed. You can't stop him feeling regard or nostalgia or regret.

HadronCollider · 12/08/2017 07:20

I agree with Aqua Sleight and rainy. I personally subscribe to the view that love is like energy, it never really dies, it sort of just diminishes in intensity or changes to another emotion. That's why they say love sometimes changes to hate.

DH had a great love before me and he has kept a picture of her tucked away in his papers. I don't mind. I had a love too, that I have no picture for, but remember fondly. I still remember what that love felt like, but context is everything. It doesn't stop me loving DH.

Most people will have several loves over a life time. Even painful loves. With time and distance, It's healthier to acknowledge their impact on your life and place them in context, than try and pretend they never existed, or waste time hating them.

I don't think you have anything to be worried about.

The other thing to consider is she's not just an ex, she an ex he shares a child with and from personal experience, having a child with someone, it adds a something, I don't know what to call it, a sort of tie that never dies, even if you hate the person you had kids with that 'something' remains. So I think you have to be a little bit more realistic about the level of importance his ex had in his life and emotions that may be very much inert but may haunt occassionally. But none of those emotions are strong enough to threaten what you have built together now.

Angelf1sh · 12/08/2017 07:22

"I don't know" isn't a good enough answer for you. Others above have provided their stories about why they've kept photos without still loving their exs and the common thread is that they know and can explain why they do it. He also knows why he's kept it (he went to the trouble of putting it back and he had a reason for that), he's just not telling you what it is. That would bother me too.

Talk to him again and see how he responds. Nostalgia isn't a good reason to end a relationship but deceit often is.

mylittlepony6 · 12/08/2017 07:44

It wouldn't bother me tbh. I have several photo albums with photos since my eldest son was born (he's 17 now) so my ex is in hundreds of my earlier photos. My DH sometimes looks through all the albums (everyone has a past). My eldest son has a photo of me and my ex together in his bedroom drawer. If everything else in your relationship is ok, just forget about it. In the grand scheme of things, it's not important.

Mum2OneTeen · 12/08/2017 07:59

I reckon you should have a lovely portrait photo taken of yourself and give it to him for his wallet. He could always keep the photo of the ex underneath or in a different part of the wallet if he wanted, but have yours as well.

It's funny feeling being reminded that our partners have had a past. I think it triggers our own irrational insecurities of being somehow compared to the 'first' love and not being ss 'good'. My DP (of 30 plus years) still has a nude photo of his first gorgeous first wife, thankfully not in his wallet though. When I'm being totally irrational I still have pangs of being the second best...silly I know!

troodiedoo · 12/08/2017 08:07

Tucked away in a drawer or an album I could live with. In his wallet so he can look at it several times a day? Nah.

Morgan14 · 12/08/2017 08:12

Thank you all for your replies, you've certainly given me some perspective. I think I could accept an answer of nostalgia or the pain of a broke family as some of you have said. But as Angel said, I dont know isn't good enough. I will ask him again in a different way.

OP posts:

RainyApril · 12/08/2017 08:31

'I don't know' could be shorthand for 'however I explain it, you won't like it so it's easier to avoid the question'.

I think if a partner asked me why I had a photo of my ex in my purse I'd say 'I don't know' too, so that I didn't inadvertently upset him or get into an argument. And it really is hard to articulate. Even here, in writing, anonymously, with lots of time to think and knowing I'm not going to upset anyone.

I certainly don't get my photo out several times a day. It was put in there decades ago when we were together. It has remained for the reasons outlined. It is seen about twice a year when I clear my purse out.

I think you must ask op, because it is upsetting you. And he must find a way to articulate it, because he cares about your feelings. But I hope I've given some possible explanations that are alternatives to 'he still loves her and needs to look at her face daily'.

yetmorecrap · 12/08/2017 12:08

If it's upsetting you I think he just needs to put it away in a drawer , if he doesn't I think that says more about him than the photo

Borninatrap · 12/08/2017 12:14

My p (note the lack of D) has a picture of his ex on his living room wall. No dcs together. I hate it, I've told him this, it's still there.

I couldn't imagine having a pic of XH up or in my purse. And we were together 10 years, 3dcs together.

I think it's shit of the picture holder tbh. It's a bit dismissive of the current partners feelings in my eyes.

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Changedname3456 · 12/08/2017 13:24

TBH, I think what would be more of a concern (at least for him) is the controlling of contact. I think both your energies would be better spent sorting that load of old crap out than worry about a passport photo.

Does he not have contact defined by either a written agreement or court order?

RockyBird · 12/08/2017 13:32

In an old photo album yes, but wallet? Fuck that.

Realitea · 12/08/2017 21:40

Op, my (soon to be ex) dh has a picture of his ex on our wall! At least yours is in the wallet! It's not the reason we're ending it but it always annoyed me how all his past relationships were often talked about and included in conversation quite regularly. I think some people just see things differently and hold on to things that others wouldn't.

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