Unloved

[Whoopeewanda]

I left dh because he didn't love me, didn't care for me and I couldn't stand it. I tried for two years and longer to get him to see how unhappy it was making me. What was more frustrating was he would insist he did love me and yet showed me no love or compassion.
A month after I left him he has another woman and is head over heels for her. He can't do enough for her and they are going on a honeymoon type holiday now three months later.
I told him I was struggling with it feeling guilty and ashamed at our failed marriage and didn't understand how given he was saying he loved me to the end and wouldn't acknowledge that I felt he didn't, that he can now move on so fast.
He said I'd made it clear I was leaving and yes he had wanted to keep going but now thinks it was mainly for the kids and because of what people would think
I just feel so cheated that he didn't try more and can move on so quickly to a love that he had for me once. I know I need to move on and let go but I can't stop thinking about them and why I couldn't make him see my pain and work at our relationship instead of making me feel it was all my issue as he still loved me.

[SleightOfHand]

Sorry you're going through this. He sounds selfish and thoughtless. I know you mentioned children but is it possible as much as you can to go no contact with him? Only be in touch via text regarding the children if totally necessary. No social media at all.
I know it sounds like they're all loved up and maybe they're for now. But you don't know what goes on behind closed doors and if he's the type of person to treat the mother of his children like that then it won't he long until there's another person hurt.
You deserve so much better than this.

[sofato5miles]

How very difficult and sad for you. Please don't find your self worth from a reflection from him. Even if he didn't value you, you still have value and are definitely worthy of love.

Try to find confidence in yourself as an individual. There are loads of self help books, I know he is hated on here but I found Oliver James 'Not in Your Genes' really helpful at understanding on what makes you tick.

You will be OK, you know.

[TheNaze73]

You'll be fine, old adage but, time truly is a great healer.

Sometimes, as hard as it is to accept, we do need to step back & realise that something's just weren't meant to be. He's happy now & I'm sure you will be in the future

[Whoopeewanda]

Thank you Naze, Sleight and sofa. It is so hard to take. Not least because everyone of my family and friends thinks he's great and still do and I know great he was to me initially but it all changed when we had dcs and just kept going downhill.
I guess I see him now having been given such an easy ride out of this marriage by me going back to the easy boyfriend ways he had pre kids and that can never be me even if he wanted it we'd have the kids full time with no guaranteed time without them like he has now. I know it could be the same for me one day but seeing him sail so easily on is incredibly grating and yes I should limit contact but that's tricky.
Yes time will help and maybe a new focus. Any suggestions? Not Tinder.

[SleightOfHand]

I'd steer clear of any dating atm, just try and focus on yourself, you're understandable hurting, not a good place to bring someone else into the mix. Does your ex have the children at all? Also is he paying what he should? I know you said limiting contact is tricky, why is this?

[SleightOfHand]

Ps These Meetup groups have all sorts going on if you want to get out and about, every subject and interest you can think of it seems.

[Whoopeewanda]

What's a meet up group? The Tinder reference was a joke btw. But I need to stop obsessing about him and his new relationship. Having everyone think he's still great is so hard though. There's no way I'm dating for a long while yet. Yes I get maintenance calculated from the government site. He has the kids 3 nights so I need to see him to drop off,'pick up kids and ensure we know what's happening. Talking clearly helps the dcs that we communicate.

[SleightOfHand]

The Meetup groups are local to you, if you search Meetup.com then your local postcode in their search box, it should bring all the Meetup groups in your area, there's every interest you can think of it seems, from art, walking, cinema club, discussion groups, what ever subject you're interested in. That's good there is maintenance and you get a break from looking after the children.
I agree it's good to have communication with your ex but it can be at a distance, only by text. I know any excuse to have a bit of contact with the ex too, I understand, I've been there believe me but it's best for your mental wellbeing to cut yourself off from him as much as possible to distance yourself from him, it's the best way forward I found to move my feelings away from the ex and the hope of reconciliation. Are your children very small, if not, then there's no need to discuss stuff when dropping/picking up, they can leave the car/house on their own.

[Whoopeewanda]

Thank you Sleght. I'll check out the meet ups and try and keep distance. It may well be worse now as its holidays we are seeing each other at each pick up and as the contact is a bit more changeable and of course the usual holiday pressures.
I wish I could talk to him again about what went wrong in his new openness he is treating me with now, but when I tried before he was only ok until I started talking about bing mixed up and sad. I guess it's understandable. Things weren't working and now he's out of that situation and has moved on.
I just wish I felt the relief I did initially and the certainty that this was the right thing. Why and where has that gone?

[SleightOfHand]

Yeah school holidays can be testing to say the least. I can understand wanting closure, I spent years looking for this, still didn't truly help when I got what I thought would be closure.
I had to go through the most awful grief, thankfully I got through it, took a long time but I can honestly say I am a better person for it, I know this seems an impossible thing to imagine when in the middle of it.
I know the main thing that worked for me was completely cutting contact, but then my child was teenage by then. So this was more doable.

[Whoopeewanda]

Thank you Sleight. I think I am getting over it slowly. I think writing about it helps because I can look back and see how subtly my mindset is changing and remind myself how dire our situation was and how crap he was and to see him now to say to myself he had the power to alter to behave in a more positive, empathetic and loving, caring way but he chose not to. He insisted he couldn't change and it was my problem. And I have to remind myself that no he has changed and could have changed but chose not to with me and so me leaving meant yes he is free to move on and be the better person I always knew he could be, but I am also, and although it won't be as quick as him it will be better for me as well. Better than both of us being miserable for the sake of sticking together as he wished and I should not feel guilty and a failure for that.

[Brahms3rdracket]

You say he's changed, but has he? You say he was great with you at first until responsibilities came along. Just wait until the initial excitement wears off with his new gf and he'll be exactly the same with her, that's the real person he is. Console yourself with that and move forward with your happier life without him

[Whoopeewanda]

Thanks Brahms. You're right he probably hasn't changed but he's with a psycho ego won't let him get away with it. Just wish us nice people pleasers had a break once in a while. I know that's crap but it just feels so unfair. It's so hard not to be bitter and feel resentment.

[LesisMiserable]

I promise once you are ready to date and you find a good relationship all this will dissipate. He fell out of love and you knew he had and left, you did everything right. You have three clear nights a week to be yourself not mum, use them like the golddust they are and get back out there. It will pass.

[Whoopeewanda]

Thank you Lesis. I feel like I'm filling time now until the day when things are better, but yes I'm sure things will be ok it just takes me longer although I feel so battered and bruised emotionally I'm not sure I will ever open myself up to love again.
But I can pursue new interests and get out there and have lovely friends if no suppprt from family.

[WhateverNameIsStillAvailable]

He was a coward who wasn't talking to you about his feelings. It sounds like he was lazy in the feelings department waiting for you to finish it. You did. He moved on... for now.
I think you're sad because he didn't try to fight and moved on so quickly (on the outside) I don't think you'd be happier if he was to turn around and say he wants you back and you did get back with him.
You're hurt and that's understandable. We all want to be loved.
Men usually move on quickly then start to miss the ex after months.
Women hurt right away and are fine by the time the man has realised he does miss the ex.
I read that somewhere once and in my experience it's quite right.
You'll be ok. Eventually. Keep busy. Take it hour by hour , day by day. You can do this.

[Whoopeewanda]

Thanks whatever. Yes I am cross that he didn't fight for us, didn't care enough and sad that he's moved on so quickly.
What hurts most is that even though I was unloved now I don't even figure on his radar to even think about eg am I ok. My car is being unreliable. I know o shouldn't expect it but I feel like I've lost any consideration now and although it wasn't enough to stay in a marriage it's hurtful. Especially as I've been replaced by another, and he's probably being 100% more caring and loving with her than he was with me.
I know it sounds maudlin and self pitying I guess that's where I am now.

[Whoopeewanda]

By the way Sleight I didn't get very far with the Meetups. They all seem to be around London only and I've not found anywhere to put on location.