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Where did I go wrong? Why does he hates me?

(12 Posts)
Riya208 Mon 31-Jul-17 19:33:01

Two years ago I met a guy. He was my colleague. I developed feelings for him. The first real feeling. I have never had a boyfriend before, nor a crush. Last year in March (2016), I told him how I felt about him. Sadly, he didn't have the same feelings as me (which I was sure about). However, after my confession, we become good friends and eventually started spending more time together. Then, we kissed. After that one thing led to another and he would treat me like his girlfriend. We were kind of in a relationship (without any confession from his end). We were not committed, but I was (I am still) in love with him and the thought of spending time with him made me happy. Then in September, I resigned from my job for higher studies and I left the city. We were still in contact with each other. We would skype every day, talk every day on Whatsapp. Every time when I asked him his feelings for me, he would say that he doesn't see the future with me because of the family problem (we are from the different caste, and in Indian families caste is the most important element). My best friends suggested that if I continue in a no commitment relationship, I will end up being hurt. Taking their advice, I decided to end all the ties with him. I left him a message on WhatsApp, and the reason for taking this step, and I blocked him on every social media platform (I know what I did was wrong, but from my point of view I had no other choice, I was too deep in love with him and he wasn't sure about his feelings). When he received my messages, he tried to contact me via email. After a long discussion, we were again on talking terms. Again, in March I gave him an ultimatum and told him to either tell me his feelings or to limit ourselves. Because I don't see "us" going anywhere and I was too deep in love with him at this stage. He didn't answer about his feelings. We were again fine in April. We were talking, but limited. Then, I don't know what happened. He started ignoring me from May. He would reply very late. He wasn't the same person I once knew. He was trying to avoid me. I even told him how this made me feel and how hurt I am, but still, I didn't receive any reaction from him. He didn't even try to talk it out. He always said that I was his best friend, he would never want to hurt me and he would always be there for me. But then he was the one hurting me the most and he was gone. One day I was very low and I told him "I need a friend. I feel like I have no friends left". He ignored my text message. A month ago, I came to know that an another girl and he are getting very close. He even lied to me. When I confronted him about his lies, his reason was not good enough to convince me that there was a good intention behind lying to me. A few days back, we talked about this issue and he said that he was just trying to limit (as discussed in March) and the situation went out of hand to worse. I told him about all the times I felt bad, and he told him about the times he felt bad. I told him he didn't even try to talk to me back. I made so many efforts to contact him. We would Skype every day, but he didn't have time to even Skype to clear the misunderstanding? He said he was too busy with the office stuff. I was too hurt, mainly because he went cold on me. I tried so hard to talk to him, I texted him, called him but he refused to say a word. We both said sorry to each other and I thought that things are getting better. But, then the next day he blocked me on WhatsApp. When I asked him why he did that, he said he was very angry for what I did in December and everything that went wrong. For unfriending him on Facebook. I felt sad because he was discussing this in front of that another girl earlier I referred to. His tone had a sense of mockery in it. He said he will unblock me after some time, but it's been 5 days and he still hasn't. Today I dropped him a message on Facebook, he said he is out. I don't understand what did I do to deserve to get such a treatment from him? I know I have made mistakes, but I thought we were clear about it. He didn't have any ill thoughts about that. I feel very bad because I have lost a friend too. I am trying to resolve the issue between us, but he just doesn't want to talk about it. I know I am losing my self-respect and it's time to let him go, but I really don't get his behaviour. Was it just about getting physical? All that sugar talk and everything. My heart refuses to think that his care was a trick. I don't understand why he is behaving like this? The person who cried for me when I left the city, is cold and ignorant.

What is your opinion on this? What should I do to move on and to stop feeling bad? How should I stop myself from losing a friend?

CosmicPineapple Mon 31-Jul-17 19:37:39

In a word yes it was all about the physical.

You know yourself once you blocked him you should havee kept it that way.

He has kept you hanging but he does not llike you enough to commit.
Please do not tie yourself in knots trying to understand his behaviour.
He is not worth 1 more second of your time.
You are better than him and you deserve better.

flowers

category12 Mon 31-Jul-17 19:42:52

He's not your friend.

He's always withheld affection and acknowledgement from you. In some ways he has been honest with you that he's not willing to be in a proper relationship with you - yet has been quite cruel in keeping on contact and having the no-strings thing with you, in full knowledge of how you feel about it.

He's not a good man. He either cares for you but is too weak to do the right thing by you and treat you well despite your different castes. Or he's a manipulative horror who is using you. Either way, you did the right thing when you tried to end it - do it properly now and stop all contact with him.

He's no friend to you.

Offred Mon 31-Jul-17 19:43:59

He isn't your friend.

You didn't even have a relationship.

You tried to move on from him and took good steps towards doing that and then went back on it. Now he is messing with you.

You had it right when you blocked him and tried to move on.

He was never interested in being your friend or in being in a committed relationship with you. You are not interested in being his friend either - that's what you are telling yourself to stay on the periphery of his life.

Cut all contact. That is the way you move forward.

hoosie Mon 31-Jul-17 20:57:14

Walk away he's a cad and a scoundrel. You are worth so much more

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 31-Jul-17 23:36:33

It doesn't matter why he is like this. It is over. Block him and move on.

When he said he didn't want a relationship with you right at the start, you should have listened. He told you but you didn't listen. Maybe you thought you could manipulate him into wanting you? It backfired. It was always doomed. Run away from it.

abbsisspartacus Tue 01-Aug-17 10:46:58

Are you a lower caste than him? That might explain why he is treating you like shit to be blunt he is not your friend real friend's don't act like this

Josuk Tue 01-Aug-17 10:53:32

OP - it is sad for you and I know you hoped that things would turn out differently. But they didn't.

He doesn't hate you. It's just that he doesn't love you the way you love him.
I think it was flattering and nice for him while he had no one that he was more into.
And now - there is someone who he likes more than you. So - he is moving on.

It's really simple. Sad a little too - but just because you have all these feelings for him - doesn't make it that he'll have them for you.

You sound quite young. There is no rush. It'll hurt and you'll move on. And, hopefully, meet someone who will reciprocate your feelings.

PittTheMiddleOneNoOneMentions Tue 01-Aug-17 11:22:08

I don't understand what did I do to deserve to get such a treatment from him?

You didn't do anything at all. It's about him.

You said in your post

Every time when I asked him his feelings for me, he would say that he doesn't see the future with me because of the family problem (we are from the different caste, and in Indian families caste is the most important element)

This should have been enough for you. It sort of was because you did break contact with him but allowed yourself to be sucked back in. You know this is a BIG DEAL in your culture.

He has TOLD you in terms that he doesn't see a future with you. So in his mind, he's off the hook because he laid it out there honestly and you still went back for more.

You don't say how old either of you are but my guess is that he has some semi-arranged marriage or introduction with a view taking place that he is seriously interested in. Of course he will cut all contact with a previous "gf" or sexual partner in those circumstances - to fail to do so may damage the prospects of successful union and shame his family.

It's sad and upsetting - but he did tell you. It's not your fault - it's his - but you need to block him totally and go 100% no contact. If you want a relationship, marriage and a family you need to look elsewhere.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Tue 01-Aug-17 11:31:11

You sounds crazy. Why are you still contacting him? He's told you he doesn't want a relationship, he's blocked you, he's moved on with his life, and you're practically stalking him!

He told you you will never be together. Done. Move on.

Riya208 Fri 01-Dec-17 12:19:49

Hey guys, thanks for all the beautiful advice and meaningful insight. A lot has changed in this past 4 months and I am happy now, and feels like I am back after the so-called "breakup". Your words helped me to cope up with the phase. I am not bitter anymore. Just wanted to say thank you! So, THANK YOU smile grin wink

Aperolspritzer123 Fri 01-Dec-17 13:02:05

Glad you’re feeling better OP. Sometimes it’s really hard to see things clearly when you are so blinded by your feelings - most of us have been there! I know I have. Good luck

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