Huge fall out with parents

[Frazzledmummy123]

I am an only child and grew up with both my parents and had a relatively happy childhood until the age of 12. My parents aren't bad people and they here are many good memories but my mum has what I believe to be an untreated mental health problem. She is very stubborn and won't admit to it or get help.

She jumps down my throats constantly, never stops moaning but won't listen to me about anything, is hyper sensitive & takes offence so easily and takes regular mood swings where she starts provoking an argument until it is impossible to walk away from (especially when I used to live with her). She can be downright nasty in these mood swings and has said some spiteful things. She has never apologised for any of it, and my dad backs her up every time even when he's witnessed her start an argument from thin air. The pattern was, she would start and after an argument she would twist it and say 'all I did was...etc...and u flared up at me' (and she's damn good at it) as she would put me in a guilt trip, make me feel like I was in wrong, succeed, and go into a huff for days. If I tried to sort it out as I usually did, she would start on me about how bad a person I am and put 100% of blame on me, and only talk to me again if I apologised which i did many times. It usually ended with me very upset and apologising even when I'd said nothing. In arguments Id get accused of everything she does to me, I went into a mood for no reason, I have mental health issues, she is going to tell people about what I'm like, etc.

On Tuesday she and my dad came over to the house as I had a cold and the kids to look after, I tried talking to her about something I was talking to the council about and she had no interest and took the other persons side, I walked away and tutted loudly and next thing my mum was in a huff. She then asked me what my mood was about and started criticising me. This time I lost it with her, told her ive had enough and to get her coat and go. No tears from me this time, and she waited to get an apology as she sat there staring nastily at me. So that's basically how things can stand, she can hold a grudge for Britain and when you fall out with her she takes a spite to you.

I'm very upset and can't stop crying even though I don't regret it

[Cricrichan]

She sounds awful op. Would you treat your children how she's treating you? Of course not. You love them and are proud of them and want them to be happy.

I don't know if she has issues but she sounds toxic to me and it must be exhausting and draining to have parents like this. You're right in telling her that you'd had enough.

Have you read up on narcissists?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Dry your tears, she is really not worth it and I bet she is not feeling at all guilty or sad at what she has done to you.

Well done for telling her to get her coat and leave. That must have taken some courage, asserting yourself like this is not always easy. How did she react, did she readily comply?.

You're upset because you are empathetic and have insight; two qualities that your mother does not have at all. I would argue that they were not actually good parents to you when growing up and they are certainly not good parents now. Actually all her responses to you are typical of what toxic parents say to their long suffering offspring.

You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, family are no different. It does your children no good either for them to see you as their mother being so disrespected and within her own home too.

Its not your fault your mother is like this, you did not make her this way. What if anything do you know about her own family of origin; that often gives clues. Your mother could start an argument in an empty room. I would also think your mother has no friends and has caused arguments and or driven people away over the years because of her excesses of behaviours.

Your dad is her willing enabler, disordered of thinking women like your mother always but always need a willing enabler to help them. He has also failed to protect you at all from your mother's behaviours out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

Would post on and read the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on the Relationships section of this website; it could help you no end. Do also read the Out of the Fog website too and read about fear, obligation and guilt in relation to toxic parents.

[Frazzledmummy123]

Thank u for all your replies, you have all pretty much affirmed what I think myself and what my friends have said.

I have read about narcissists and my mum ticks almost every box! She take no blame or responsibility for anything and pushes the blame for everything she does on to me.

She didn't leave straight away, she hung around for a while (waiting for an apology as she said on her way out 'I'm not going to get an apology'.

Her own upbringing...speaks volumes! Her own mother was quite a tyrant figure who just bossed all her daughters and was very domineering. My mum has 4 sisters who all have a volatile streak (though never personally with me). That said, even though I've never lived with them my mum is the most uptight and judgemental. her sisters are her only friends apart from workmates she meets occasionally.

[Gingerandgivingzerofucks]

So the next time she's round yours and starts on you, kick her straight out. Stop tolerating her bullshit.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Not surprised to read that she did not leave straight away either; they do not like being challenged at all.

As I said before, its not your fault she is like this. And yes her own upbringing itself speaks volumes.

Toxic dysfunction like this can and does go down the generations too.

Protect yourself and your children by staying well away from her and your dad her willing enabler. Narcissistic women like your mother always but always need a willing enabler to help them and he has failed you also as a parent. He probably idolises your mother on some level. Women like your mother cannot do relationships and their relationship is probably also based on codependency.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Get on Amazon and put in the search 'daughter of narcissist
Get some reading done.
If you don't want to go low or no contact, some reading might give you some pointers on how to deal with her effectively.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Oh... and when she comes round, ensure that said books are laying around for her to see clearly!

[Aussiebean]

If you end up on speaking terms with her again I suggest you give her no ammunition.

From now on, everything is fine. Nothing new to report, all are doing well.

Then talk about her, her interests and what's happening down the high street.

Give her nothing to critise with.

And consistent no contact. Or low contact.

[Frazzledmummy123]

Thanks all. Will definitely look up that book about narcissism.

My dad won't hear a word against my mum unless he's annoyed at the time. He is as much to blame for her behaviour as she is as he has witnessed her several times start on me for no reason at all...and still took her side. Apparently according to him I need to learn to bite my tongue and not rise to the arguments!!

Oh and apparently I'm too sensitive. Manipulation and bullying!

[ChestOfDrawers]

I found the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers website very helpful.

And yes, come and post on the Stately Homes thread. We get it!

[acapellagirl]

I'm an only child , my father backs up my (toxic) mother who sounds like your description of your mum but mine has alcoholism added to the mix for good measure. I REALLY sympathise, OP, this is an impossible situation to negotiate.

You did ABSOLUTELY the right thing in putting your foot down!!!!

[acapellagirl]

OP your latest post above I do relate to. My dad defends my mums disgusting drunken behaviour under the 'she has stressful job' banner

[DoIDontIhavethetalk]

I grew up with this - and worse.

Best thing I ever did was leave them in my past.

[Frazzledmummy123]

I had a look at the daughters of narcissistic mothers site and it is VERY accurate, spookily so actually. I couldn't find the stately homes thread though?

acapellagirl and DoIDonthavethetalk, that's awful you have had this to deal with too. It really is horrible to deal with.