Being the one who moves out? Might have no choice but feels awful.

[Talith]

We are in the process of separating.

The plan was for him to buy me out of the mortgage and me to get somewhere more affordable and childcare split 50/50. Amicable and going to relate to thrash out the specifics.

THING IS.... I have this sick feeling about being "the one" who moves OUT the family house into the new house. I wonder if the children will perceive this as their mother "leaving them" - even though they'll be living in this new house half the time and they'd have their own rooms and I could make it cosy and lovely. And I quite like the idea of a fresh start, but that's selfishly for my own headspace.

I feel like the safest thing emotionally for the children would be for me to remain in the family house and for him to be the one to move out - not that he's not a terrific father, and I don't want them to perceive him as "leaving them" either.... but just that in all honesty I believe they have a deeper emotional bond with me (it's me they sneak into bed for cuddles with when they're sad). Me remaining in the fam house just feels like the most secure way for us to manage things for them.

Added complicating factor is that I think I'd struggle to maintain the house on my income and whilst he's not being an arse he might balk at propping up my bills as well as those on a new house, especially if childcare is 50/50. So it might not even be an option. He does earn a lot more than me. I don't want to get into a situation where I'm more dependent than I have to be. If I need to negotiate that sort of deal I can see acrimony coming into the equation.

If you were the one who left the family house can you tell me it worked out OK?

[Wormulonian]

Glad you are having an amicable split but i would get some proper legal advice on the situation and your options - it will cost but be worth it. You have not said if you are married, if so then you might be able to argue to stay in the marital home until the DC finish their secondary education.

What age are your DC? It is clear you are not emotionally ready to leave the family home and you make very pertinent points about it also being the DC's emotional "home."

My friend was in this situation but not married so had no right to stay in the home nor an equity stake and was not entitled to any spousal support - it was a big shock. Her ex has the big asset while she gave up her career to be a SAHM and the house is a "lure" for the DC as it is big and near the school (her DC are teens) she could only rent a small flat in a different part of town so it has been hard when she was "not at fault" but her DC are being supportive. It is more that she feels she has let them down by not protecting her position.

[debbs77]

I left but I took the children with me. Totally different situation though.

It sounds sensible for you to be the one moving especially as you can't afford to stay there. But totally understand your feelings on it.

Just keep talking to your children. Reassure them. Let them ask questions xx

[LegoStarWars]

I had this and it does feel weird.

Separated from XH about a month ago (planned for some time before that, but that's when I moved). Childcare is 50/50. Now, in a month or so he's going to be moving too (so neither home for DS will be the previous family home) as our landlord is selling, but yeah, in the meantime it does feel strange and DS has said that my house doesn't feel like home yet.

I think – it's weird and it's difficult, but that's okay and it will (I hope) get better. As new memories get made this home will feel like home too.

One thing I think I might change is that, when I moved, we made it so that the first week after I'd moved was DS's week with XH, then he came to stay with me for the following week. It made sense when planning as I was sorting so much stuff out for the new place, including furniture for DS's room, but it did feel like I'd left him and it was really hard for both of us I think.