Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2

Relationships

I need to rant about living with my rapist

27 replies

Beanie15 · 11/07/2017 19:09

My (ex) boyfriend of 3 years is a manipulating compulsive liar. He tried to guilt me into aborting our baby but when I made the decision that was right for me he back peddled and came round to the idea of being a dad.
While I was pregnant it transpired that for a year he had lied about having got into the armed forces. He cried and apologisedo and said he'd get help. He never did.
Other than this our relationship was going really well.
I can't pinpoint exactly where it went wrong but fast forward to a year later and I'm permanently nagging him because all he does is sit on his Xbox and ignores our one year old. And I'm cheating. Casually and with no idea about how I feel about him anymore. Eventually it comes to a point where we know we're struggling, both working very hard to pay rent and looking after our son. We're working opposite shifts and never see each other. My mother invites us to live with her in Wales. We agreed and shortly before we moved he found out about my cheating. I make it clear that I want us to work but if he wants to leave me i would understandand although he is upset he seems to come to terms and wants to still move up with us and work on our relationship.
Then he rapes me, he wanted sex all and I gave in mostly out of guilt. I was working a lot more than him and was exausted all the time, but he would wake me up and i would lay there and let him get on with it. But one night I couldn't bare it anymore so I pretended not to wake up, he prodded me a few times and said out loud "you're really out of it aren't you?"
And so he carried on anyway. I froze, I didn't say no or try and throw him off. I just lay there with my eyes shut hoping he would realise what he was doing. And he didn't. He fell asleep on top of me and I had struggle free, I went and sat in the living room trying to process everything. Was it rape? Did he understand that? Did he care?
He woke up and was fully dressed with shoes on when he found me. As calmly as I could I asked him if he knew what he had done. He denied understanding the whole situation and I told him to go. He then does what he had done a thousand times before when I had reached the end of my tether.
He cries and he hits himself and he punches walls, and pleads and apologises. He makes me feel so guilty that yet again I give in. He sleeps in the bed with me and, although we dont have sex, he cuddles me like some kind of teddy bear. He moves up with us and this behaviour continues, he then tells me that he can't be in a relationship without a physical aspect and I agree that I can't either but I want us to be friends for the sake of our son. He agrees, but he becomes withdrawn and apathetic and takes almost no interest in our son unless he has to. Then tells me he's not sleeping and makes smalls hints at self harm. My mother helps him and refers him to a councillor. I go back to England for a weekend and he tells me before I go that he can live without a physical aspect. I tell him that I can't do it anymore and for the first time he gets angry at me. He tellsaid me that I wanted him to rape me so I had a reason to leave him.
All this and I still have to live with him.

OP posts:

Report

MyOtherProfile · 11/07/2017 19:11

You don't have to live with him