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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Ex's demands

18 replies

whatsmyname2017 · 02/07/2017 11:22

I feel like I'm constantly posting on here for advice at the moment.

So, ex and I separated a few months back and he moved out about 5 weeks ago. He gave me £600 last year to help clear my credit card when we were applying for a mortgage (he had no debts cos I paid for everything). He didn't put anything else into the house, my parents loaned us the deposit.

Fast forward to now and he is demanding this money back. He is very bitter about the split and apparently didn't want it to happen. Now I know I don't have to pay it back, it was never a loan but morally you might think its the decent thing.

However, during our relationship I used to pay for all the holidays and many other things besides. Hence why I have credit card debts and he has zero debt.

If you read my other posts, a complication to all this as he has had 2 bereavements recently so I've been having to tread on eggshells with him.

He pleads poverty all the time and is now saying he can no longer have the kids overnight until he can afford to buy bunk beds (he's currently in a 2-bed house with only 1 king size bed). So, he's trying to get this £600 back from me to 'buy a bed'.

I've just had to pay a few hundred pounds for a new TV (on my credit card AGAIN) because he took the TV as he did pay for it (fair enough).

I suppose I know what people will say but, maybe the guilt of the split and his bereavements is clouding my judgement. I don't feel I should give him a penny, considering I don't believe he gives me enough maintenance either. I was thinking of offering him half and that is all he is getting, and not to mention it again.

Should I really be getting myself further into debt to pay him back?

OP posts:

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whatsmyname2017 · 02/07/2017 11:25

and just to add....... I've been going along with everything as I;m scared he will scupper the sale of our house. He has tried to do this before already when he wasn't happy about things.
I do worry if I refuse him the money altogether he might try to put a stop to it and we lose our buyers (he could potentially do this) and I rely on him signing things from the solicitor.
Should I pay him half and draw a line under things?

OP posts:

Lovingitlovingit · 02/07/2017 11:25

It doesn't sound fair but if it's genuinely for bunk beds, could you buy them for him? If only to facilitate contact for the children if you think that's the right thing for them.

RandomMess · 02/07/2017 11:28

Is it likely he will keep on whining? It does sound like he will in which case I'd ignore it rather than him keep on and on at you for this that and the other...

whatsmyname2017 · 02/07/2017 11:28

Yes I could offer to do that. It still sticks in my throat as I bought our oldest some a new bed last year and it cos £700 and he hasn't offered me a penny towards that!
I feel as though he has zero debt and mine is just building up constantly.....

I also am paying the full mortgage on the house - we agreed this in order to get him out so I'm on the bones of my backside at the moment until the sale goes through.

He has already asked me to 'borrow it from my parents'...

OP posts:

RandomMess · 02/07/2017 11:29

Cross posted - perhaps say when the house sells you can afford to give him £300 then?

RandomMess · 02/07/2017 11:32

Geez he's a nightmare, I think morally you should give him zero.

If he isn't paying the CMS minimum I would get that addressed as soon as the house sale goes through!

Don't think I'd be handing the £300 over either...

blackflipflops · 02/07/2017 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lovingitlovingit · 02/07/2017 12:12

I had same with ex re house sale. Had to keep him sweet as he was threatening to not sign the papers and stalling so much the buyers were threatening to pull out.

donners312 · 02/07/2017 13:57

Could you call his bluff - act all pathetic like he does and tell him it;s all too much for you blah blah and you can't face selling the house at the moment etc etc Maybe if he thinks you aren't bothered he might panic and get of your case.

Don't give him anything including money let him deal with it.

whatsmyname2017 · 02/07/2017 14:11

Thanks for the replies. blackflipflops no we're not married but the house is in joint names. He has already threatened not to sign the paperwork and I needed him to sign to say I get the excess from the sale (its to pay my parents back).
Up until now, he has the kids but they all sleep in the king size bed - ex and 2 kids!! this is not ideal and my 3yo is not settling (no surprise).
He keeps harping on about how he can't afford a bed and using this as an excuse to get this money back.
donners312 - No I coudn't do that as he would jump at the chance to not sell the house as I reckon he is hoping we will get back together (ha). Getting shot of the house at least cuts those ties and I'm not then worrying about him signing things and paying my parents.
I think I struggle with being harsh with him due to his bereavements too although I suspect he might be playing on this......

OP posts:

ClopySow · 02/07/2017 14:34

Buy a set of bunk beds off gumtree for £50

SandyY2K · 02/07/2017 15:26

I'd buy the beds. Tell him you haven't got the £600.00, but will buy the beds on credit or that you will get then cheaper somewhere.

What a waste of space he is. Seems like you've carried him throughout the whole relationship.

Men like him are not worth having. I'm glad you got shut of him.

abbsisspartacus · 02/07/2017 15:34

Just explain you don't have the money till the house is sold and as soon as he signs the paperwork the sooner he gets his money

Ellisandra · 02/07/2017 17:16

Tell him you don't have the money.
Which is true.
And tell him your parents have refused to lend you any money.

But it's worrying that you're on the bones of your arse selling a house, but sticking "a few hundred" (£300?) on a credit card for a TV. People can't give older TVs away, and even newer ones second hand are really cheap. Don't put something you can buy much cheaper on a credit card!

happythankyoumoreplease · 02/07/2017 17:21

Send him a bill for half the cost of everything you paid for over the course of the relationship and tell him you'll happily pay the £600 when you've received his outstanding payment...

Whatsmyname2017 · 02/07/2017 17:39

Ellisandra yes I shouldn't have put the TV on my credit card but that's irrelevant to my ex asking for money. I was pointing out that I don't have cash to buy the things I need, never mind giving it to him.
I don't think this is about the beds at all, he just wants that money!!!! Believe me, if if it wasn't for all these other things going on I would tell him to eff off. Will tell him that I don't have the money so if he needs beds to use credit like I've had to.

OP posts:

beautiebyqueenie · 02/07/2017 18:32

Buy a £600 bunkbed in the sale for £300 and say there you go 😁

abbsisspartacus · 02/07/2017 19:02

My bunk beds cost £20 then £100 For two mattresses £480 cheaper

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