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Can anyone help me figure this out?

(15 Posts)
FabulousUsername Sat 01-Jul-17 06:42:27

H and I are basically separated. Lots of backstory involving him being selfish and abusive and never, ever seeming to care about me or what I wanted (while simultaneously saying that I was boring and no fun) and the final straws happened a few months ago, he did some 'nice' things like getting a dog when he knew I didn't want one (just not the right time) then he bought me a new car using a big chunk of our savings and expected the car to be mainly his. Just basic selfish behaviour and lots of anger at me. I've felt no attraction to him for a long time. We jointly own two properties and it was easy for him to move into the other with the dog, about 3months ago.

So far so good, I keep busy with full time work and it's great having my own life and not having to cater to his moods. I haven't initiated divorce yet but it's on the horizon. Anyway, 'my' property is uninhabitable right now, for a week. Something he arranged and I agreed to, before the split. The original plan was for me to stay in the other property (his). But a few weeks ago he decided he didn't want me to and without consulting me arranged an alternative accommodation. Which fell through at the last minute so I'm basically homeless for a few days. Literally keeping my things in the car. I sofa surfed for a couple of days but I hate imposing on people and this is embarrassing.

His reaction, when I told him I couldn't stay at the alternative place, was to text me this: 'you can stay here late weds and thurs but the house is booked out over the weekend'. Meaning he's invited friends to stay, these would be our mutual friends but he doesn't want us to appear as a couple. Absolutely no concern for the fact that I'm reduced to begging from friends or paying for expensive hotels. Especially when he essentially caused this problem-- he arranged the alternative accommodation. And he got mad at me when it fell through and said I should have checked.

He's feeling very sorry for himself right now. He's presenting himself as the 'wronged' party, I'm so mean to him, etc, I made him move out with his dog. I'm not saying I'm perfect...well actually I guess I used to be perfect when I let him walk all over me but now that I stick up for myself I'm a heartless bitch! According to him, anyway.

I've had the offer to stay with mutual friends tonight, I'd rather not as I'll have to make small talk but alternative is a hotel. I just think I need to get really angry now.. should I be angrier than I am? I'm sort of laughing it off and making the best of it. But he really has acted like a shit, hasn't he?

Re: divorce, every time I mention it he says that I should arrange marriage counselling...I know 2 things 1) that I don't need his permission to divorce 2) you shouldn't go to counselling with an abusive man. But I think he's saying to others that I won't go, that I'm making no effort to repair the relationship. FFS. He could arrange counselling if he wanted it that badly!

Bluebelle38 Sat 01-Jul-17 07:54:52

Cut all ties with this man as soon as you can. He has no regard for you and in your shoes I'd be utterly miserable and likely depressed.

Get over your pride and stay with friends, that's what friends do.

You deserve to be happy.

FabulousUsername Sat 01-Jul-17 08:05:22

Thank you Bluebelle I could be miserable now (I was devastated a couple of days ago) but now I'm thinking it's proof of his character and the thing that will spur me to divorce...I can't laugh this off! Need to get properly angry. The thing is I've been feeling a rush of pity for him (his planned weekend isn't going to go as he wanted, poor diddums, some aren't turning up) but I can't go back from this...I've needed something to point to as proof that we should divorce and thus can be it smile.

Ellisandra Sat 01-Jul-17 08:10:14

You're separated and not amicably.
You agreed to the work at your place.

I think it's absolutely fair that he doesn't want you to stay at his place.

I actually read this thinking you were going to say he was insisting on staying at yours (his place having the work done) and was gearing up to say YANBU to say no!

He has actually offered you several nights and his and arranged accommodation (was it his fault it fell through?) so he actually seems to be behaving fine over this.

I'm not saying you're wrong that he's an arse - the dog and car move show that. But I don't think his behaviour over the house is unfair.

Do you really have to move out for the whole time? I've lived among all sort of building work (including no electricity and water for a few days) The only thing that would exclude me completely would be some kind of chemical fumigation I think!

I would avoid his offer of a few days (best to keep your distance) and suck it up. If you don't want to make small talk with friends (and what's the point of friends if you don't make small talk?!) then you don't need an expensive hotel - a youth hostel will do. Or check out AirBnB for a room - the host won't expect to talk to you, if you are cheapest option of room not house.

I think because you're nderstandky upset about you're ex, you're putting up barriers and being precise about the options now.

Ellisandra Sat 01-Jul-17 08:11:46

*understandably upset about your ex

Damn fat fingers!

noego Sat 01-Jul-17 08:13:08

Don't get angry, that's your anger, it comes from you so in essence it will hurt you. Remain calm have a don't give a fuck attitude by all means and do not take things personally. If you do it will harm you not anyone else.

IrritatedUser1960 Sat 01-Jul-17 08:16:29

There comes a time when you are just sick and tired of their crap and I think that time for you has come. I would get your divorce petition in, you don't even need a solicitor for that.

Ellisandra Sat 01-Jul-17 08:17:34

Oh and fuck what he says to others about marriage counselling.
You have to let go of caring what other people think.
I was the one that divorced my XH - I daresay some people thought I'd moved on and out quite blithely... because I didn't tell everyone he was too fond of prostitutes.
Anyone he whines to about you not doing counselling will be sympathetic to his face, but behind his back know that there's no point if you've made up your mind. Most people have been through relationship splits. Most people know that when it's done, it's done.

user1492287253 Sat 01-Jul-17 08:19:21

just start the divorce.

you are still dancing to his tune for whatever reason.

pay for a hotel.

see a solicitor

FinallyHere Sat 01-Jul-17 08:25:14

feeling a rush of pity for him

Wot bluebelle said ^

It sounds as if you are done here and ready to move on. Once you are free of his drama, you will be able to see, much more clearly, how horrible he is being to you. You are caught in his 'story' now and not thinking straight. Get out, and divorced, as quickly as you possibly can. All the very best...

noego Sat 01-Jul-17 08:35:21

You are bigger than this crap. Transcend it all. The truth will out eventually and people will see the for themselves.

FabulousUsername Sat 01-Jul-17 09:25:31

Thank you all for your comments flowers Ellisandra that's a new perspective for me, I hadn't thought of him as being helpful but that is how I am going to take it, concrete proof that we are totally separated. TBH it's good that he's moved on as I'd have a major struggle leaving him otherwise (tried a few times before).

Actually I've been vague about the details as it's rather out-ing but it's not building work, we've rented my place out as a sort of holiday let so we both benefit from the money...and the alternative accommodation he arranged was for me to stay in our DS's flat as he's away...he arranged it with DS before he told me (well I felt humiliated, bringing DS into it, I felt like an aging relative noone wants for Xmas! But it fell was double booked due to a date mix up) But as I said, I'm not unhappy, in fact feeling a bit exhilarated to have a day to myself to do whatever and go wherever I want grin but doesnt change the facts but I'm ok with it!

FabulousUsername Sat 01-Jul-17 09:26:26

And yes, I'll rise above it! Just confirmed with friend I'll stay with her tonight.

MrsBertBibby Sat 01-Jul-17 09:29:46

Book a hotel. Make it a nice one with a spa or gym or whatever your thing is. Enjoy.

Ellisandra Sat 01-Jul-17 10:36:46

Ah I see!
Sorry, I did think that your anger at him was making you a little bit precious about some building work grin
My apologies flowers

I totally understand the relative at Xmas thing! But this is your son, and I think it's just how you're interpreting it among the upset.
Wouldn't you also have been upset if he'd just left it all to you to worry about?

I think the "fair" thing to do here, is use the letting money to fund your hotel. It's just collateral damage of divorce that it's necessary. I think it's fair to try to reduce the lost by profit staying with a friend if you want to, and other nights not going to the nearest 5 star luxury boutique hotel. But you're the one inconvenienced, so you get to choose the hotel. And that cost comes from your joint letting profit - NOT your share! for you... bet you can find somewhere nice! Go to another town even - see this as a chance for a weekend away, not an inconvenience!

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