I'm a miserable wife...

[MerryMarigold]

I don't know what to do or where to start? I'm quite depressed (I'm on a low dose of citalopram). I have no reason to be depressed except an unhappy marriage. It may be that my expectations are too high. Dh is a good man, he works hard, he loves his kids and does a lot with them, he's had a terrible year with 2 bereavements and a serious accident which has left him at home for 6 weeks. I think him being around has highlighted even more the state of our marriage.

We've been married 13 years and probably only had 2 good years in that time when we were having counselling. I came off the ADs and sorted out my weight/ fitness. It was a really good period. It started going downhill gradually again about a year after we stopped, and after another year or so I was back to the ADs.

It's got so bad now I feel it's intolerable sometimes. Some of it is dh and some of it is the weight of issues we have which is stressful. I'm so much happier and relaxed when he is not around. I'm so miserable that I can be really quite nasty to him.

Just want to vent really, hear others' stories, any advice. I want to turn this around rather than leave him but I'm feeling so powerless. He's absorbed in work, bereavement, health and not dealing with any of it so we just end up exploding at each other every so often.

[PookieDo]

I don't know what to say it sounds pretty miserable
What is he doing to make you feel so miserable? Or is the misery your depression? You don't sound like you are very kind to this man who has a lot of trauma in his life

[AddictedToDrPepper]

I know someone who felt like this towards her ex. The best thing she did for the both of them was leave.

If you know you're unhappy and know you have been for a long time, if there is no way to fix this situation then don't prolong the misery for either of you any longer.

[InfiniteSheldon]

I really think you need to.put him first poor man has had two bereavements!

[FatLittleWombat]

You've been trying to fix this for 11 years. How much longer are you going to try?

[MerryMarigold]

I know. He lost his dad in Feb and sister in April, both v suddenly. I try and bottle it away (the misery and frustration) but then it bursts out. I'm not nice to him, and it is a hard time for him. How long do I need to wait to address things?

We are very different characters. We're from different cultures. In some areas this has worked well like our attitude to money has met somewhere in the middle (dh likes saving, I'm more generous/ spend it). Our attitude towards the kids is v different. He's very critical of them and me, thinks the way to make people change is point out their faults. Although I'm depressed I'd say he is more negative. I do tend to see the bright side or be unrealistic, but he sees all the problems. So, eg. If we were having a bbq I'd blindly hope for good weather, dh would predict bad weather and have contingency plans etc. We're never affectionate, no/ rare sex for ages. I'm not sure he loves me and that's hard to live alongside.

[RhubardGin]

It sounds like your DH has had a lot on his plate with his illness, two bereavements and work which is understandable. Are you being supportive?

What's he doing that makes you so miserable, you've not actually said.

You admit that you can be nasty towards him, I can't imagine he is very happy either. I think if this was written from his side it would be very telling.

[allegretto]

It sounds a bit like you feel trapped and blame dh. Are you happy at work or where you live? If you were single without kids would you be there?

[RhubardGin]

Sorry cross post OP.

From what you've written nothing sounds overly awful on his part.

You on the other hand are coming accross as unsupportive and mean.

You actually sound quite annoyed that he's still grieving over the loss of his dad and sister. There isn't a time limit on grief.

You're coming accross very me me me.

[MerryMarigold]

I didn't mean to sound annoyed about him grieving. Not at all (I have been there too), but I guess it does make me feel more trapped as I feel like we can't deal with our marriage when there is so much else for him to deal with. The 'how long' was a rhetorical question?

Whilst I've tried to be supportive over the trauma he's had, I guess there's such a bank of resentment behind it that it's been hard to make it genuine. I've fine lots of practical things, made him an album of pictures of his Dad, phoned him a lot whilst he was away at the funerals, taken on the house and kids with his accident. I think a strong marriage can be rocked by storms, but one which was initially weak can be broken.

I've started working, nearly a year now. I like my job and to be honest it's a great encouragement where I feel associated and liked. I love going, but I work part time school his ours so I'm at home a lot too. I find the kids quite challenging as I'm basically working whilst they are at school so I do all their 'stuff' too. I have a cleaner so house is ok but I've been struggling a bit to keep on top of food shopping/ cooking.

[MerryMarigold]

Also, I would feel better about him grieving if he talked to me about it, but I'm not sure he is grieving. He's working (from binge atm) and being very grumpy!

[MerryMarigold]

Binge = home

[TheNaze73]

I think you need to sort out in your head, what you actually want.

[MerryMarigold]

I think maybe I should increase the AD and leave it another year. I've lived with it for a long time anyway. I think if I can reduce my expectation of what a marriage should be for a bit and accept dh as more like a busy flatmate that you don't have much of a relationship with, then I could probably handle it better.

I was looking at counsellors last night, but do you think it's a bad idea?

[MerryMarigold]

TheNaze. I want to sort it out bit feel like I can't.

[MerryMarigold]

I mean sort the marriage out.

[bumblebee61]

You say the best period was during the time you were receiving counselling. It sounds as though that's what you need at the moment - couples counselling. It would help you communicate and sift through the resentments you feel. Perhaps to articulate them in a safe way. It's a bit like detonating a bomb safely. Sounds like you are both collapsing under the different pressures you are under and neither of you are feeling supported.

[Madbum]

You sound abusive and selfish, let him go. He deserves to be happy and supported and not have someone being nasty to him when he's not actually done anything much to deserve that treatment.
You're miserable because you're clinging on to a dead marriage just end it!

[MerryMarigold]

Thanks bumblebee...

[Isetan]

This has gone on long enough and I think you should focus on easing your depression with counselling and perhaps a highe dose of AD's. Your H doesn't sound happy either and it could be that too much has happened to rekindle what once was. Maybe it is time to take steps to end the misery instead of passively waiting for something or someone to dramatically change

IMHO it sounds like you know the marriage is over but you don't know to extract yourself from the marriage without major earthquakes. You are allowed to end your marriage and it doesn't have to be one person's fault, it could just be that you are no longer compatible and staying prolongs the misery, instead of presenting opportunities for real change.

[Neutrogena]

I have no reason to be depressed

I think you don't understand the difference between depression and unhappiness.
Please read about them. It will help you.

[Naicehamshop]

The fact that he is very/overly critical of you and the dc is doubtless part of the reason for your unhappiness. I think you have the right to ask him to think about relationship counselling - maybe it's a bit soon after his bereavement but it should be on the table for the nearish future.

[Naicehamshop]

You have the right to have your happiness taken into account.

[emilybrontescorset]

From what you have written you are two very different people with different expectations from life.
I don't think you belong together, sorry.
Life isn't a Hollywood movie. Strong loving relationships depend on mutual respect and similar outlooks.
I don't think either of you will be happy if you stay together.
Neither one of you is wrong or right here, rather just not right for each other.

[grobagsforever]

OP what do you mean 'I don't think he is grieving'. FFS. Grief isn't crying and talking all the time. It's being angry/irritable/selfish. And yes critical of others. Blimey. My DH died and my mum stayed with me for two month as I was pregnant. She didn't get grief either despite being a trained bloody counsellor. She was really annoyed I wasn't crying and confining in her and quite resentful. I expressed my grief by being withdrawn, grumpy, angry and unpleasant. People going through intense grief can be horrid. But he is your husband and deserves support.

You sound like you're using your depression as an excuse not to take any responsibility. I think you need to take a good look at yourself and your marriage.

[MerryMarigold]

Neutrogena, that's a good point, but I think I do understand the difference. I would say I am 'naturally' (ie. genetically and from issues growing up) inclined to depression. Various particularly stressful periods in my life have pushed me into clinical depression requiring medication. University, birth, sleep deprivation with small children, house move, and currently (I think) the stress of my marriage. I can cope without meds otherwise and manage to keep myself ok with the general advice of eating well, exercise, sleeping well, dealing with my thoughts, doing things I enjoy etc. That's what I meant by there is no 'reason' for my current deeper depression/ requiring medication other than my marriage.

Grobags, that's interesting in terms of grief, and I hadn't thought about it before. To be honest, dh has always been a moody, introspective, grumpy man - so not sure he is 'grieving' in that way. There's nothing I could point out that is particularly different other than him being around a lot more.

We went out last night. It was a bit spontaneous, and dh surprised me by going through with the idea. Food was rubbish, but it was good to talk and agree that the food left something to be desired (dh being critical again, but I am a bit of a foodie so on this occasion I could agree!) and we had a chat about marriage though it didn't go anywhere very specific. He was saying it was dangerous to get to a place of tolerating an unhappy marriage. I said that is not my issue, but that I go to a place of feeling that it is intolerable and then I feel I need to get out. I joked about getting a flat and the kids coming to stay so that they also could get some space from each other (our boys fight a lot). I think he knew it wasn't 100% a joke but had a line of truth in it ie. I will need to get out if things don't improve. I didn't want to make the evening too serious, so we didn't talk too much about any of it, but felt like he knew how I am feeling. In the end it seemed like we both had a nice time and we both seemed quite happy just to enjoy the evening, although it was just a temporary paper over the cracks. It gave me hope I suppose, that I do enjoy spending time with him and that we need to do more of that as part of getting better.