Could you reassure me?

[midnightsnacking]

I have posted here and received lovely help. Long story short. Thought I was happily married for 25 years. Yes he was controlling and dismissive of me but I loved our family and the life we had worked to create. No idea, none that he was unhappy. Discovered affair. 2 days later he left with a rucksack. Not a word. Nothing.
So many hurtful things followed, a romantic holiday with his mistress ten days later, kindly posted by her on Facebook. Comments to family that finally, FINALLY he had found love. It was almost too hurtful to bear.
I'm being brave. Moving away. New home, new job. Dealing with everything on my own. Moving, clearing money worries. Adult kids with me. All friends horrified at the cruelty.
But I'm so sad. And scared sometimes. And feel just a bit worthless.
Could you just reassure me that I'm ok. That it's going to be ok?

[Wombatwombat]

Oh midnight. I'm so sorry. What a horrible situation.
You have made such positive changes! Keep strong!

[stevie69]

OP, you're going to be absolutely fine. That's my promise to you. And a promise, once it's given, must be true .....

Just give it a little time and an amazing new adventure will be yours.

Thinking about you.

S xx

[midnightsnacking]

Thank you both. I'm having a tearful day. Feeling just a little crap. I tried so bloody hard to make him happy. But I know now how he sneered at me. I just don't know why he was so miserable.

[stevie69]

He wasn't miserable; he wouldn't have stayed if that had been the case.

My guess? He'll want back when the novelty wears off with OW but then .... all the power lies in your hands and you're in control of your destiny. It's scary, I know, but it's an amazingly liberating position to be in .

Stevie x

[Want2beme]

He doesn't deserve a lovely person like you and he never did. You will be so happy without him. How long have you been coping on your own? It does get better and I can vouch for that. Don't be afraid to talk things through with a good friend, family or a counsellor. You have to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.

[Iamok0303]

Hi. What you are feeling and how you are reacting is normal. He may have rubbed it in your face, after he left, how unhappy he was. But you are not nor were you back then solely responsible for his happiness. Only he can create that. And now it's your turn. Make small steps towards the life you desire. You deserve it. It's not meant to be easy redirecting old thoughts and habits, you will need to decide not to feed what once was and start feeding what now will be to gain that umph in your life again. Create what YOU want x

[OhMrsQ]

I PROMISE it will all be ok.

And he is very probably saying those things to his family as he will know you will find out.

I had a husband like that. He was horrible and made me feel worthless. I thought it was my fault. It wasn't. And his misery is not your fault either, lovely.

It is sad, and it is scary. THis may make you laugh:

When I felt that way, I actually emailed the author Marian Keyes. I love her books and I was going through the worst time, just like you. She replied. I did not expect that.

She said this too shall pass.

And she was right, of course.

Allow yourself to be sad and scared, but also know that now you have a future ahead of you where you can do anything you like. Think of the possibilities xxxx

[NotAnotherNoughtiesTune]

You're OK.

You've got one thing he hasn't - the respect of your children.

He's unlikely to get that back.

OW will always wonder as once a mistress becomes a girlfriend/wife there is a vacancy.

He knows she's morally dubious too by getting involved with him when married.

People will judge him wherever he goes.

Don't think you can't be happy - with love or otherwise.

Yes he is a vile man who is vindictive and hateful - but he's no longer your problem.

You don't have to step on eggshells anymore, you can be yourself.

You will get there OP.

[PeppermintPasty]

It's a long old road, but you will be alright. You'll be more than that, and you will find PEACE eventually.

I learned this saying from MN and I have a postcard with it on in my kitchen, and look at it often:-

[midnightsnacking]

Blimey, I'm having such a teary day. Thank you all.
Now I can drive on motorways because I was never allowed to do that before. I can eat in bed. My daughter and I ate lemon tarts for breakfast yesterday. In bed! Once totally forbidden.
It's been 7 months. Some days ok. Some days horrible. But less tears. Less mentalness.
You wouldn't believe the gorgeous kids I have. So funny clever compassionate.
Who would risk that?

[NotAnotherNoughtiesTune]

Someone who only thinks of them self and their cock

[stevie69]

My daughter and I ate lemon tarts for breakfast yesterday. In bed! Once totally forbidden.

Yep, hoover in the nude, eat in bed, dance around the kitchen, watch crap TV—all night if you wish.

Told ya: it's a liberating life ..... Embrace it and enjoy EVERY minute.

S xxx

[midnightsnacking]

Hoover in the nude! Yes, why didn't I think of that? I'm wearing lots of colour now. And not having to listen to replays of football matches, endless stories about useless people at work. I can dance in the kitchen. Done that a few times. Have shots. Maybe the tiniest of tattoos. Just because I can. No judgy pants making me feel a little bit crap.
Ladies. Thank you.

[stevie69]

Oh yes, a tattoo would be fab. Go for it. I have a couple of facial piercings, both done in my 40s and 50s. I'm ageing disgracefully and LOVING IT. Get the feeling you're gonna love it too

Stevie xxx

[Aquamarine1029]

You are doing brilliantly. You should be very proud of yourself. From what I see, your ex did you the biggest favour of your life by leaving. Good fucking riddance. The OW will soon see the true man she's hitched her wagon to, I can assure you. He's her problem now, not yours!

[noego]

When you are psychologically free and physically free it is so liberating.
Just be you, enjoy you, the you that you are..............no more egg shells, no more trying.............God it so much effort. Effort you do not have to put in now :)
Enjoy your new found liberty.

[Borangeistheneworange]

When you are feeling sad write a list
Of all the things he wouldn't allow
You to do. Then go do them.

After a while you will look at the list and wonder why you ever put up with a man who tried to stop you enjoying life.

You are free and fabulous. Enjoy it.

[midnightsnacking]

This is why I love mumsnet. I had such a low day. Sometimes it all feels too much. And I feel rubbish.
And then lovely women remind me that it's going to be ok. Better than ok.
I loved the lemon tart in bed. 😜😜

[OhMrsQ]

See? Think of this as an opportunity for a new life. And soon that may feel exciting.

I did the following, upon leaving my violent ex:

Got a massive tattoo
dyed my hair pink
slept with a 26 year old (
went to Nepal
Started watching the Bachelor.

As *Borangeistheneworange8 said, make a list. Then do it all!