Emotionally recovering from sexual assault...

[FrozenCucumberIsGoodInGin]

Helloo,

I'm really sorry to put this out there as it isn't very pleasant but you really are the best nest of vipers and I don't know who else I can talk to about this.

Five years ago I was raped by someone I thought I was in a passionate but impossible and terribly romantic long-distance relationship with (I was 17 and watched way too many movies). Even though I can clearly remember myself pleading with him to not do it, it took me three years to recognise it as rape. I can recall the time before he forced me and the first few moments but the rest has been blocked out. The 'relationship' was also emotionally abusive, for example, he made me sleep on the floor "like a dog", repeatedly told me I was "too ugly to be seen in public with" and would not let me eat when I visited him.

I have always had trouble with my weight and how I feel about my appearance but I can now look back and see my weight increased a lot after this incident. I am now what I would describe as moderately ugly; I am not distinctive or remarkable in any way and as I am short many people do not even notice I have passed them and I easily disappear into crowds. I am enjoying my invisibility and the safety this seems to bring. I have been trying to get some therapy for some time and finally had an assessment session last week, and brought the rape up as something I wanted to work through. The session was very thought provoking and brought up some unsettling feelings. I have been wondering if I could have done this to myself on purpose?

I do know this might sound crazy... but I have to ask. Has this happened to anyone else? It makes a lot of sense in my mind that I would do this, I had disordered eating anyway and I would never want someone to want to do that to me again so could it be a self defence mechanism? I may be way off the mark but I am so confused and I have squashed so many memories and emotions and thoughts to do with that whole relationship that I'm really muddled. Is it possible that I could have made myself obese and unattractive to avoid attention from men like him, and I suppose men in general, without realising?

Thank you for reading this, I'm really sorry if I upset anyone, I just really need to talk to someone

[Josuk]

Honey, I am so sorry for what happened to you.
And happy that you are finally getting help. And are thinking about it and what it means for you.
I don't think - people online can answer your questions - the counselling you'll hopefully get is the way to go.
Only thing I can say - good luck!
I hope you take control over yorkife back from those memories and live your life as you are meant to.
And find strength to come out of hiding, eventually.

[NotAnotherNoughtiesTune]

I'm so sorry you went through this.

As you are aware none of this was your fault.

I only lost my virginity to my ex for the first time because the week before he started trying to rape me. He told me he'd hold me down if necessary. I was petrified. I had to offer to do something else and then the week later I gave in so at least it wouldn't hurt.

I doubt you are ugly OP. I'm short and a bit fat and have very low self esteem so I know what self hatred looks like though.

I hope this man has a bit of bad karma on his ass. Vile creature.

[FrozenCucumberIsGoodInGin]

Thank you both so much for your kind words NotAnother I am so sorry that happened to you. I had a similar experience losing out my virginity and that combination of feeling there is no other way and that awful dread is something I will never forget .

I don't mean to drip feed, but around last Christmas he tracked me down online, and even emailed my mum when I would not respond to get her to make me talk to him. He sent me a long message about how he was sorry for how he treated me, that he had had some unhealthy attitudes towards women at the time and other things along that vein. Then he offered me £300, approximately how much it had cost me to visit him on the trip that he did a lot of the stuff I mentioned in the post above. I was so broke at the time I felt like I had to accept it. I think now maybe I shouldn't have.

Sorry to go off on a tangent like this! Normally I'm quite chipper but I don't have anyone who would be prepared to talk about this with me. I'm just a bit upset that he might have taken this from me too, as well as my confidence and the future I had hoped for myself. I am in a (mostly) good place now though! I'm just realising that he took so much from me, it wasn't just that moment, and that's making me wobble now.

[Flyingmoonpig]

Hope you're ok frozencucumber. He sounds truely vile and it's fantastic that you've got some support to be able to process what has happened. Your therapeutic path will bring out the reasons for the questions you are asking and in the meantime just be kind to yourself. I used to work with a psychologist who said that sometimes we gain weight in order to surround ourselves with a layer of protective padding so it seemed not outside the realms of possibility and I have read articles about rape and how women do not want to be perceived as sexual afterwards and makes themselves unavailable in a variety of ways.

I too was raped by my ex and while living with him I gained a lot of weight. Have had a lot of counselling to come to terms with what's happened but I do feel that I'm moving forward. Be kind to yourself because you have endured trauma and your body mind and soul need to process it properly so you can move on with your life. Xxx

[heyday]

It is heart breaking to read about so much rape and sexual assault on women. Surely it is time to start educating our young people on how to conduct healthy, consensual sexual relationships. If women don't agree to sex they quite often get raped so it's a lose lose situation for us. It's essential to educate women on how to try to stay safe and it's vital that we educated young men on how to control their sexual urges and to ensure that it is actually consensual.

[Charlotteswigwam]

Let me guess.... he said he was sorry for how he treated you, but didn't go into specifics? Because he is still a bastard and doesn't want to risk incriminating himself. I hope his knob falls of.

[Charlotteswigwam]

Also, don't feel bad for taking the money. Better you got to spend it than him. Do you know why you feel bad about accepting it? Could you discuss that with the counselor?

[FrozenCucumberIsGoodInGin]

I think I feel bad about it because by accepting it, I'm agreeing that that's how much it costs to rape me? Give me £300 and we're even? It just seems wrong... And he gets to absolve himself of what happened too, I don't think he should ever get to be at peace with himself for what he did. People say whatever doesn't break you makes you stronger, but that will never be true for me. I miss how brave and fearless I used to be. I was fierce and resilient and determined and clever, and now I'm lost and weak and the best that I can hope for is to come to terms with the fact that I will never be the person I was really looking forward to becoming.

Ah fuck, that's really depressing, I'm so sorry to inflict it on you

[NotAnotherNoughtiesTune]

You can be that person.

Inner strength will come.

What he thinks doesn't matter. Do not let him have control of you.

You can be feisty in the future, with added experience to make you careful.

It does not define you.

You are not a rape victim, you were a victim of rape.

You are not weak because you've sought help.

You are on the other side of this.

You are so much more than a vile incident that happened to you. X