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Dh EA - do I reveal to my sister so I have support?

(22 Posts)
Southernfairy1986 Sun 18-Jun-17 19:26:45

Dh had an EA 2 years ago and since then life has been hugely up and down and we are still working through a lot.
After struggling to say the words out loud I wrote down how I felt and what makes me happy, what frustrates me to give to him.
To try and communicate and air our differences.
I got no response. Nothing. Not even an acknowledgement that he'd read it.
After a week I asked and he said he didn't know what he could say. I told him to just say what he feels. I left it at that to give him time and several days later, still nothing.
This time I was really specific and said try and think about what makes you happy, sad and where you see life going. What is important to you, your dreams, ideas etc.
More to see that what we want out of life is still the same and to try and make a path that we are on together, as at the moment I feel disconnected.
One issue is that we both want to live in different places and after the EA i guess i want to see that I matter and that if we live in the place he chooses that at least I'm getting something else out of it as it's always been me who makes the big compromise and it's really starting to annoy me.
He told me he didn't know what he could say yet again. Then he told me that what he doesn't like is talking about his feelings. It all spiralled and ended in an argument and we end up back to square one where he reveals nothing about his thoughts etc.
I've spoken to friends about it and they have been supportive like anything, but I want to talk to my sister about how frustrated I am. Rant I guess.
Trouble is, she doesn't know about the EA.
I'm tempted to tell her but know that I'll never be able to take it back. Once she knows, she'll never see him the same again. It's important that she tries to not let it impact on how she behaves towards him (I know it is would be difficult and I have no doubt that she'd try her best)
I don't want him to hurt (silly I know as he hurt me but that's who I am)
I worry about how it'll make her feel and the awkwardness. And then how he'll feel if she struggle to respond in the way I want (pretend like nothings changed)
Anyone been through it? I can't find out if she'd prefer to know or not because as soon as I start to say anything of course she'll want to know to support me.
Is it better to keep quiet?
Anyone been on the other side and been told something they wish they hadn't.

Squishedstrawberry4 Sun 18-Jun-17 19:36:06

Yes I think it's quite normal for some people to hate being put on the spot and struggle to discuss feelings. I suspect this behaviour isn't new for him. The more you pressurise him for answers, the harder it will be for him to open up. You communicate differently! However he is responsible for his behaviour and of course this needs to be worked through. Is there a less loaded way to discuss this?

But yes to speaking to your sister. I'd say that's pretty essential.

Hermonie2016 Sun 18-Jun-17 19:55:30

I don't think you put him on the spot, given you wrote to him, allowed time to digest but he still didnt want to discuss.I would call that stonewalling.Its hardly a relationship if your partner won't talk with you about the future and key issues like where you live.

It seems he's emotionally disconnected from you.How did you find out about the EA? Was he sharing feelings with her?

I don't think you can fix this on your own and would definitely share with your sister if you are close.If I were in her situation I would feel upset for my sibling but if the couple managed to fix it I would equally be delighted.

Josuk Sun 18-Jun-17 21:27:53

If you are close with your sister - I don't know how you can keep it from her and still have a close relationship.
If it, temporarily, affects her and your H - so be it. You need support.

And as to you questions to him - about happiness and life direction - not everyone can think like that. It requires a level of understanding of self that not everyone possesses.
So - if you have specific questions to H - like - where you want to live, and if we do - will I be able to do XYZ....

Southernfairy1986 Sun 18-Jun-17 22:07:09

Thanks for the guidance. I guess I worry that it puts her in a difficult situation.
I think I'll tell her and hope she is able follow my wishes.

With regards to the talking to dh I very much feel like he cheated (probably physical flirting but also emotional closeness) and then we moved on. It never felt like he made an effort and I'm clearly not over it all yet.
I want us to work through it and wanted counselling but he refused it. I think we need it but if he's not prepared to go I won't force him, but then I expect him to work at it on our own.
He doesn't.
He spends too much time on his phone, I feel ignored, second best.
I do most of the housework, most of the childcare, he lost his job so I ran the house on my own for pretty much a year and I then got him a job with me.
All I ask is that he share with me what he sees in the future. I've given him pointers, like think about job, home, family etc.
I've even asked him if there is anything I do that frustrates him and that I could try and improve on to move forward in our relationship. I know I'm high maintenance and am probably pressuring him to share but I need something from him that shows he wants our relationship to work.

Josuk Sun 18-Jun-17 22:18:49

SouthernFairy - I understand and it's clear that you are hurting.
People are different - I almost wanted to say men and women are different - but it's not as clear cut.
You want to analyse and talk about emotions and life - past and present - and he just wants to get on with it.
I am not saying what is right/wrong. Just stating how it looks.

Have you considered counselling for yourself - just to help you figure out how to deal with your hurt and help you deal with your emotions?

I know ideally you want him to go through it with you. But one can't be forced...

Hermonie2016 Sun 18-Jun-17 22:56:56

What is he doing to help you rebuild trust?

I just don't see how him stonewalling you will help.Its fair to want to talk about the future and if you still are on the same page.

How else are you going to see if there is a joint future.

Southernfairy1986 Sun 18-Jun-17 23:25:07

I have had counselling before and didn't feel it worked well. I will talk openly about my thoughts and feelings but not having a response means the issue stays open for me and unresolved.
I need answers not just me talking.
Plus having to find the time while having a full time job and small child puts too much pressure on me.

I completely agree that we are different people and me wanting to talk won't mean that he does. I need to respect his feelings but also feel I deserve some effort.
It never once felt like he fought for me once I found out.
And since then he lost his job, lazed around the house for a year, didn't make an effort finding work and and left me working full time, whilst running the house and doing at least 60% of the childcare.
There is resentment there I guess and I want to work through it with him by my side.

It feels like he says he wants to fix the relationship as long as it doesn't involve him doing something he doesn't want to.
Also it feels like from his perspective there's no issue anymore but then he wasn't the one who was cheated on.
He doesn't get why 2 years on I am not over it.

I need to know that we see the same things in the future to remind me that it's worth it

Adora10 Mon 19-Jun-17 15:52:11

Honestly OP, I'd call it a day, he doesn't even sound remorseful, you didn't put him on the spot, far from it, he won't open up, you do all the compromising, all the work, tbh, I'd be waiting for him to do it again, he's not invested in the slightest, surely you can do better than this man who appears to only be there out of convenience.

Loopytiles Mon 19-Jun-17 16:01:51

Two years on, you are unhappy with your H and his behaviour, and don't feel he's "made amends" or even made an effort.

It would be U to expect your sister not to react to the news of his affair, and to treat him no differently. It sounds like you'd like her support for YOU. But the core problem will remain that you don't have confidence in and are unhappy with your H.

Brahms3rdracket Mon 19-Jun-17 16:10:20

I'm sorry OP but you're the only one trying, so I'd ask him to pack his bags. You say he won't try counselling, hasn't done anything to make up for his infidelity and won't respond to your requests to open up. I can't see what you're getting from him other than additional hurt and stress.

Seek support from your sister and LTB flowers

Naicehamshop Mon 19-Jun-17 16:12:39

I have no idea why people are being so supportive of the op's dh. He had an EA, he doesn't seem to have done anything to apologise to the op, make amends or support her through all the stress that HIS behaviour has brought. I just don't think it's good enough to say "people communicate in different ways". He doesn't communicate at all!

He needs to step up and take responsibility for his actions - and soon.

MrsPeelyWaly Mon 19-Jun-17 16:16:21

Two years down the line and there's still so much upset. I think you've done enough and its time to call it a day.

Southernfairy1986 Tue 20-Jun-17 07:16:54

Thank you all.
Last night I told my sister and she was hugely supportive and I feel a weight off my mind.
With regards to dh, I have bitten the bullet and given him an ultimatum (which I never wanted to have to do). We are so out of sync at the moment and I need to know if we want the same things for the future. I need to know what is important to him, and vice versa so that we can work together for the future.
I feel he never takes the time to fully think about our relationship so I've asked him to and we can have a chat later this week.
If he decides not to bother I will go to a hotel for a few days to give us a break.
It's stupid that he actually needed a list or what he should be thinking about (eg what makes him happy, sad, job, house, us etc) as me asking him to tell me how he's feeling about everything was to complicated for him.
Hopefully it's the push he needs and otherwise it'll give me some time to reflect on our marriage.
Thanks again all

Hissy Tue 20-Jun-17 07:44:31

If there were a book about how to fuck up your marriage, he would have written it.

He doesn't care enough to work to restore your trust, love etc.

Call it a day and you will find a much better life without him.

You worked ft and still did 60% of the childcare?

He really isn't worth a bean. He's a millstone around your neck

greenberet Tue 20-Jun-17 09:02:42

sorry OP im with the LTB gang

you tried to talk - he wouldn't

you wrote it down for him to read - he hasn't

youve given him enough time to sort himself out - he refused counselling

he wants out but looks like hes trying to set the next woman up first

ive been here op - and sadly it didnt end well

start thinking about yourself and your child
and by the way there are men out there that can communicate, that can talk and express feelings - stop giving him the easy option!

Tell him to go to a hotel for a few days - you need the break not him - let him see what its like without his home comforts for a few days - if this doesnt shake him up nothing will

beingsunny Tue 20-Jun-17 09:32:53

My partner is a closed book when it comes to talking about feelings.

It's taken some time to accept for me as I'm extremely open, however I know he loves me.

I have found that I can suggest things, explain how I feel without any pressure to respond and then in the coming days his behaviour will change.

It's as though he hears me and can be active in the way he feels in terms of things he does but talking is just not something he can do well.

Maybe you can just tell him how you feel and what you want to change and sit back and allow him to express himself in other ways than talking.

I get things like magazine subscriptions and packed lunches made, he cooks dinner and buys my favourite chocolate.

user1486956786 Tue 20-Jun-17 09:45:21

I think you should start building up strength to look towards ending this marriage. I understand those who forgive cheating because it was a wake up call for everyone and the cheater was very remorseful. But your husband doesn't sound likes he's particularly phased by what he's done and doesn't particularly care either, otherwise he would be a better man since.

You are not high maintenance for wanting your husband to support you and make you feel secure, especially after what he's done.

I get that some people don't like to discuss feelings, but he can do actions, such as help with the house and give you physical affection, show effort and trying and willing. Show you he loves and respects you.

I think you know deep down this isn't going in a good direction otherwise you wouldn't need to have this discussion with him and have his reassurance. You sound like a total catch, you deserve better than him. I'm glad you have good sisters and friends.

Hissy Tue 20-Jun-17 09:54:18

beingsunny looks like the OP HAS done all the things you did, has let her H know what and how she feels, has given space and time for him to respond...

Your H does care, DOES want things to work.

OP's H lot his job, did fuck all for a year, let her carry the whole thing and couldnt even look after his own kids...

she resents him - rightfully - and he had the balls to cheat on her too. She is being FAR too kind to him to be honest.

OP - you ahve given him the ulitmatum. What happens when he fails to react to it? what have you said you will do? I suggest that you actually start informing yourself on rights to property, money etc, social security etc, because it looks like it come to that. You need to be prepared in your head.

Fingers crossed he does buck his ideas up, but I am not going to hold my breath.

What - out of interest - stopped him turning the EA into a physical affair? was he caught before he could see it through?

beingsunny Tue 20-Jun-17 10:00:48

Sorry, didn't read the full thread,
In that case yes, talk to your sister, she may give you some perspective.

I understand keeping it from her, I did keep all the bad stuff about my ex husband from my family right until I left him.

I wanted to protect him in case things got better. I wanted them to love him and for him to be part of my family.

Adora10 Tue 20-Jun-17 12:29:48

Quite ironic that he can be emotional with OW but not his own wife; OP, get out before he lines up no 2.

Isetan Tue 20-Jun-17 17:05:09

Considering this mans behaviour and general lack of engagement I think you are the one out of sync, with who he really is. You want him to be the man he isn't and more importantly, isn't inclined to be.

Stop faffing about trying to coax out of him some sign that he gives a crap (which is bloody obvious btw, he doesn't). Start with what you want and see if he is willing, let alone capable of, matching your expectation.

You haven't moved on because you colluded with him in letting him off the hook regarding the EA and you're now dealing with the emotional fallout from that choice. Why are you so reluctant in telling him what you need and want?

Expecting the person who's happy with the status quo to change it, is pointless and the fact that he's content with the status quo, says all you need to know about his 'feelings'.

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