How can I fix what's in my head?

[OoglyBooglyBoo]

I've had therapy.

I've done the freedom programme.

I've read self help books.

I've kept diaries and notebooks to write my feelings and experiences.

I've had a few years of being single so I could concentrate on me, build up my strength and self esteem.

I've done all this and I still cannot trust men. Every man who has been in my life had abused me.

I think I have just ended what has been a very good relationship because I keep second guessing everything and spend all our time together looking for red flags. Its exhausting for me and has to be unpleasant for him. He says he understands why I do it. He doesn't want to break up. But I don't think its fair on either of us.

I feel numb. Will I ever be able to be in a relationship? I don't want to end it, but what is in my head is destroying us.

I also posted in 30 days only but not getting a response.

[ImperialBlether]

I think you need to go back to therapy. This is having a huge impact on your life. On the other hand you did choose wisely this time, so you're obviously making progress.

I wonder whether ADs would help. I found they helped shut off negative thoughts and really helped me.

[OoglyBooglyBoo]

Thanks Imperial

Maybe I do need more therapy. I just don't know if I have the energy, I found it draining and not much help last time.

I'm not depressed, and for the main part I have positive thoughts. It's just that I tend to pull apart some things he says and am on the lookout for bad behaviour from him. I assume he will become abusive.

[OoglyBooglyBoo]

Does anyone else have any thoughts or advice?

[rizlett]

Maybe trying some EFT would help? It is expensive though but worked immediately with me.

There are plenty of youtube videos to have a practice before you decide though. It's sometimes called 'tapping'.

[OoglyBooglyBoo]

I had a quick look and may try it, but why would it be expensive? Isn't it just a case of learning the technique from the videos?

Thanks btw

[rizlett]

Yes you can certainly use the videos and the first time i did it in an 'anxiety' state it completely worked - i was astounded.

However I have abandonment and trust issues that were severely impacting my life so I bought a set of sessions with an EFT professional who worked though some of my most severe 'triggers' with me. I think I still could have done it on my own but it was quicker doing it with the professional because she kept me more focused.

[OoglyBooglyBoo]

Ah I see.

Yes, I have abandonment and trust issues too. So the basis of tapping is to do it when you have these intrusive thoughts? Do you do it in front of others? Are you currently in a relationship and has it impacted (you don't have to answer that, I realise its a personal question!)

[OoglyBooglyBoo]

I guess the main question is...am I doing the right thing in ending my relationship? Can I fix myself while in a relationship?

It feels a bit mad to end things with dp, but I don't think it's fair on him.

[BubblingUp]

Well, you are ahead of me by even having a relationship. I have been the victim of so much abuse by men - but never within a relationship as I have never had one - but by strangers, doctors, relatives, co-workers. I can't imagine trying to have a relationship since I think that's where most man-on-woman abuse happens and if my experience with total strangers and barely-knowns is any indication, I will be a victim - or more likely, I will cut and run at the first tiniest hint of a red flag real or imagined - so why bother.

Out of all the self-help stuff, I found the book Adult Children of Emotionally Unavailable Parents to be the best one for me as it talks about the lack of emotional connection growing up and how to learn how to emotionally connect with people as an adult when you never learned it on the first place. It's actually given me hope. I'm in my 50s.

[OoglyBooglyBoo]

Thank you for sharing,Bubbling. So sorry you have been abused too. Are there any good men out there? I really want to believe it, and believe that my dp is one of them.

Thank you for the recommendation, I will download the book. I love a self help book.

I hope you can find a good man

[thestamp]

I would try EMDR. I strongly suggest looking into that.

About your relationship - you don't have to end it in order to get better, but you're allowed to if that's what makes sense to you. There's no right answer.

Also... I want you to know it is ok to be single if that's what gives you peace (or if it's just what you prefer). You don't have to have a romantic partnership in order to be fulfilled as a human being.

Much love x

[OoglyBooglyBoo]

Stamp, thank you

That emdr looks interesting! I've had a quick google but will look more closely at it and see if I think it will help / if I can afford it.

I don't want to end it with dp, not really. But maybe we need to cool off a bit so I can get my head straight. The relationship can be intense at times, not in a bad way usually...we don't argue a lot...but we are passionate and probably rushing things a bit.

I try and tell myself that being single is okay, and I know it is...I liked being single...but I prefer being with someone, I want to share my life with dp. I just want to stop being scared and paranoid

[QuiteLikely5]

Op

Is it the speed at which your relationship is moving that is worrying you?

Some good markers for unpleasant men are:

What does he say about his past partners?

Does he have contact with any children of his?

Are any of his family members in sbusive relationships? Brothers /sisters?

What is the relationship like between his parents?

[OoglyBooglyBoo]

Yes we are talking about marriage and moving in (in the next 2 to 3 years)

His ex wife...he says they were both unkind to each other towards the end but that their 15 year relationship was mainly very good up until about 3 years ago. He says he didn't recognise her as the woman he married.

He shares contact with his DC 50/50 and they have a good relationship, they seem close and I like his parenting style.

His sister is with a man who had an affair on her

His parents seem very happy together, his dad dotes on his mum. Dp is respectful to his parents and they spend quality time together.

[rizlett]

So the basis of tapping is to do it when you have these intrusive thoughts? Yes - tapping will - if you are doing it correctly - minimise the intensity of thoughts so that they become rational and you can deal with them.

Do you do it in front of others? Some people do - but I found that difficult except that once you have it established in your mind as a coping strategy you can do what I call a mini tap - just using your fingers - eventually those thoughts don't bother you at all. I don't need to tap anymore because I've 'tapped' a lot of the pain out. (I know it sounds a bit weird!)

Are you currently in a relationship and has it impacted? I can deal with my emotions and thoughts much easier on my own - as there are no triggers - I don't have to consider someone leaving me if I'm already on my own. Before the tapping (and the mindfulness from the book i mentioned) I was really struggling in my relationship even though I am with a good man (I've had plenty of abusive relationships before) because it was my fear that was causing the damage. The grown up me could understand this - the little me was lost and full of disbelief and doubt and i wanted him to make all that go away.

Of course he can't do that for me. He can't give me the security and love I missed as a child and its not his responsibility to do that either - it's mine. The tapping helped me get more in touch with my broken child and to heal her and now she is really happy. She = me, of course. I forget that because I separated myself from her so much as a way of coping.

I still get some occasional triggers but they now make me laugh at myself for being so daft. We all deserve love - just as we are.

[thestamp]

If it feels like you're moving fairly swiftly, slow down. Your mind and body are likely telling you you need to pull back and take more time.

Go slow. I can't stress that enough. When you're an abuse survivor you need to go SLOW.

[OoglyBooglyBoo]

Thank you for explaining in such detail rizlett. Yes, its my own fears that is causing damage to my relationship.

And I agree, its moving too fast and I think that's caused me some anxiety