How do you go about separating when you live abroad?

[Croatianseal]

I want a separation. Thing is, I'm a SAHM living abroad, entirely dependent on H for finances. There's no way he would let me take our DC home (even if I wanted to go home). He will definitely behave like an arsehole when he knows I want to separate. I feel utterly stuck.

Any advice?

[WingsofNylon]

I have no idea but wanted to bump this for you in the hope that someone more knowledgeable will come along.

At a guess I would say it depends on the country. Do people have to get divorced by the same country that issued the marriage certificate?

Sorry I'm no help. Hope you are okay.

[WingsofNylon]

www.gov.uk/government/publications/overseas-divorces-set13/overseas-divorces-set13

[Croatianseal]

Thanks Wings.
I guess I mean mainly in terms of how do we sort out two households when I'm not working, should I stay here or return home, then how would we arrange access to DCs etc. When I start thinking about it all, it makes me scared that I won't manage to get away :(

[drquin]

I'm no expert but I'd have thought there's two immediate things to consider. One being your visa status - you say you're dependant on his finances, but do you have the right to live (and potentially work) in the overseas country on your own? Secondly, would there be any legal restrictions on you moving away with the kids - particularly if he disagreed.

The answers to those may lead you down a certain path.

Either way, I'd start getting legal advice - you've potentially got more issues to sort than if you were separating / divorcing when you were both in your home country.

[jeaux90]

Firstly are you in a country where you have your own rights (i.e. Not in the gulf)

Can you come back to visit family in the summer holidays to get some space?

I separated as an ex pat and it wasn't easy. I was lucky, I had my own job etc but had to negotiate my way out the country

[frogsgoladidahdidah]

Have questioned this as same situation. Can only see going back to family as financially viable. (But not an option for me). It's tough, being a trailing spouse!

[Croatianseal]

Yes I have the right to live and work here and it's not in the gulf. It's covered by the Hague convention.
Me and DCs are actually visiting family tomorrow and I'm sorely tempted just not to return. Although I love the country we're living in and DCs are happy here.
God it's such a mess.

[Croatianseal]

Frogs it's shit isn't it! I don't actually want to return to family but that would be better than current situation. Sorry you're in the same boat.

[Yakari]

I think the country/region is a big player here
I'm currently in Asia, and I know several couples still together because it's simply financially impossible to cover two rents of properties suitable to have the kids at.
To be honest the issues are often similar to back home but can be magnified due to cost or distance (if you separate and your husband stays abroad)
You need to get the details sorted, and take the emotion out of it

• can you afford two places in your host country? Can you afford it in split countries? If you have to work to make it happen where is better/cheaper childcare?
• what does access look like? if in different countries are your kids old enough to travel back unaccompanied to see their dad, can he afford to stay somewhere appropriate for that - and fund a home for you back in the U.K.?
• what timeframes were you originally planning on being expat for? Is it a temporary problem (ie one posting) or was it longer term?

If you're back home, use the time to look realistically at the situation and different scenarios, maybe even see a solicitor to get some tangible advice before making final decision
Good luck

[Croatianseal]

Thanks yakari that was a pretty useful list of questions.
Yes we could afford two places in this country if I got a job but that wouldn't be too difficult and childcare is by far cheaper here. We certainly wouldn't manage two separate countries, financially or access wise. It's a long term move, we had no plans yet to go anywhere else. I suppose that answers everything then, and gives me a pretty clear next step - start looking for work!
Thanks all.

[Yakari]

Glad it helped, separating is pretty shite irrespective of being abroad. Good luck

[IneedmoreLemonPledge]

I separated whilst abroad op. But I had a source of income which made it easier.

But I recommend you seek legal advice in your current country so you are confident in your rights. I think you'd need to make an agreement to leave with the children in most circumstances.

Do you have access to a bit of cash to pay for a lawyer?