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What would you advise? (DD in relationship crisis)

(22 Posts)
StillMedusa Thu 01-Jun-17 00:38:28

DD has been in a relationship for over 3 years..together at Uni but for the last year apart due to jobs... travelling at weekends to see eachother.
Relationship up and down the last 6 months.. she was doing all the travelling (train as neither have cars) while her dp sat on his playstation as far as I can tell. She became close to a work colleague and realised she was heading into dangerous EA territory... so pulled back and also gave dp an ultimatum.. needed him to be there more .
To everyone's surprise he stepped up. But she is conflicted... she is still attracted to her colleague, but doesn't want to hurt anyone. Her DP is clinging on, and understandably hurt and terrified of losing her and the family connections he has with us.
DD is a mess. She knows she is not 100% there for her dp, but desperately doesn't want to hurt him, is still attracted to her colleague (who is single and obviously attracted to her) and she is so confused.
She always confides in me and relies on my 'words of wisdom' and frankly having been in the same situation at the same age..early 20s... I don't envy her. It killed my relationship dead.
Personally I think that when you have lost whatever the thing was that bound you together in the first place (at this age and with no kids or responsibilties) then it's probably best to be brave... call it quits and take some time to find out what SHE needs and wants , but she is genuinely terrified for her DP's mental health if she breaks it off with him. He is a nice guy and I feel for him, but he is being relentless..questioning her every move and thought, and she is a mental wreck.
BTW before anyone accuses me of being interfering/over involved... she has asked my advice and I really don't know what to say!

Crispbutty Thu 01-Jun-17 00:41:10

Her current relationship has run its course. Which often happens at that age as people mature and change.

She needs to end it gently but firmly.

KickAssAngel Thu 01-Jun-17 00:44:41

Sounds like it's over and her ex needs to grow up and become more emotionally mature. He can't sit around doing nothing then be needy and clingy when it's too late.

She'd be doing him a favor to teach him that lesson.

OdinsLoveChild Thu 01-Jun-17 00:46:18

I agree with Crispbutty. She cant continue with a relationship just to save someone elses mental state. Her own happiness must come first.

Bosabosa Thu 01-Jun-17 00:50:13

I think you have advised her well. It has run its course, he potentially got lazy, they lost whatever it was that kept them a unit and now both are simply fearful of the next stage. Looking past the fear there will probably be a wonderful next chapter in her life (and probably for him too-hanging onto a relationship when you can feel it slipping away is no fun).
Good luck to them both x

FreddieFlowerdew Thu 01-Jun-17 00:52:09

I agree with you, I think she should break it off. It sounds like she has emotionally checked out of the relationship, and understandably if his main attentions were to his PlayStation. Its practically impossible to go back to the carefree, romance filled days once that has happened... not impossible if lots of effort is made.., but as they aren't married it doesn't seem worth it to put so much effort in to saving it?

Your DD is young, but their relationship sounds very middle aged in a way... it should be fun and exciting. When I had been with my DH for 3 years in our early twenties I was bouncing off the walls with excitement for the lovely things we could do together as young people with a long future together. She probably wouldn't have given the colleague another thought if she was happy with the current partner. It's far kinder to break it off before having an affair and I'm pleased your DD had the foresight to give him an ultimatum before that happened.

It's so nice she has confided in you and asked for your advice, she must really treasure you. I would caution saying too much negative things about her boyfriend though, as if she chooses to stay with him it might cause some ill feeling, which would be such a shame.

About the boyfriend's mental health: to be blunt, this shouldn't even be a consideration. The main worry is your daughter's happiness and it's just not her problem if he reacts badly to a break up. There will be some feelings of guilt on your daughter's part, naturally, but be wary of guilt trips and manipulation from him, that's very dangerous.

Refilona Thu 01-Jun-17 00:52:56

"If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second."

EmilyBiscuit Thu 01-Jun-17 00:59:28

Walking away is definitely the best move. You are right to describe it as brave. Ending your first long term relationship is very scary. It sounds like the relationship has run its course, so walking away would be the right thing to do.

StillMedusa Thu 01-Jun-17 01:05:36

I would never day anything negative about her dp... tho he is not what I would choose for her if I could, (he is an arrogant, argumentative arse a lot of the time tbh) there is no doubt he loves her. And he has been dumped by previous 'serious' girlfriends... which I suspect is adding to her feelings of guilt and angst.
She is a very loyal and loving person generally..not flighty in the least, which makes me inclined to think that the relationship has simply run its course. But it's easy for me to say that..been there done that, got the t shirt...
But tonight when she phoned me, desolate and sobbing, it was difficult to know what to say. Somehow 'run and don't look back, you have years ahead of you' didn't seem appropriate!
She is changing jobs and temporarily moving back home, in a couple of months. And we are going travelling together for 6 weeks in the process (told you we were close.. Thelma and Louise here we come!) I think suggesting they take a break with a view to reassessing after the travelling might be an option, but then it seems like dragging it out for her dp, when a clean break might be (painfully) better...

Aquamarine1029 Thu 01-Jun-17 01:30:50

Maybe it's time you SHOULD tell your daughter how you feel about her partner. She is so confused she can't think straight. Add to the the gaslighting her loser of a partner is piling on is suffocating her. She need a reality check, and she should be made to feel powerful enough to dump this clown regardless of anything going on with another man.

cheeseismydownfall Thu 01-Jun-17 03:27:30

Good God she needs to get out of that relationship immediately. It sounds like his only redeeming feature is that he loves her, and even then he is using that to control her. If he is arrogant and argumentative now, then he is only going to get worse. I agree with the PP that perhaps now is the time to gently tell her how you really feel about him. It sounds like perhaps she doesn't trust her own judgement and needs someone to give her "permission" to leave him?

HunkyDory69 Thu 01-Jun-17 04:07:08

I agree that she should break up cleanly but as gently as possible.

That argumentative and arrogant loser is some other mother''s DS, & it is clear that your DD is worried for his mental health. At least, she can try to leave him as gently as she can, whilst being clear, as neither she nor you would like to remember him as the one who committed suicide.

(Young men are known for going ahead & fulfilling their suicide threats more than any other group. I'm not saying that you need to point that out to her, but you are trying to help your daughter to be a kind adult. And it is lovely that she can & does turn to you)

noego Thu 01-Jun-17 07:53:28

She cannot be held to ransom by emotional blackmail. Fact are facts. If it is over then it is over. If it isn't then work on it and pull away from the EA.

Cricrichan Thu 01-Jun-17 08:06:00

She's young and she can't stay with someone just because he's clingy. Anyway, it's his fault for being complacent and not making any effort over the last year.

But if she's conflicted then this new man may not be right for her either.

If she were my daughter or friend I'd tell her that now is the time to have fun and do what feels nice. If it's not wonderful and feels like too much work then leave it. It's also not a bad idea to be single.

DianneDionne Thu 01-Jun-17 08:21:13

I was your daughter ten years ago, I clung on and clung on to the tatters that were the remains of a childhood relationship and it was exhausting. I think I felt as though I couldn't end it because we had always been together, my mum helped me immensely with advice and eventually I listened.

Once we'd broken up I felt free, started having fun again and then met my DH. Your DD sounds like she's trapped and is too loyal to realise that her happiness needs to come first. Your suggestion of reassessing might be the best way forward, emotionally, as you might find a clean break makes then run back to each other. It sounds as though the relationship has run its course and they need to separate. I'd suggest the 'wait and see' approach with her which will allow her to test the waters with being single for a while - I don't mean that in terms of other men, it just sounds as though she doesn't do things which are just for her and she needs to try that. She will find that she loves the freedom and then doesn't go back (hopefully). And if she says she wants to stay friends with him then don't discourage it, it'll only push them back together, but a friendship wouldn't work in the long run. The idea that they didn't 'try' will be an issue so at least maintaining some sort of link will make them both feel that they did everything they could and your DD will feel less guilty.

You sound like a lovely mum btw,

AyeAmarok Thu 01-Jun-17 08:26:02

Actually, I think it's best for his (and her) mental health to call it a day.

He's becoming jealous and paranoid in the relationship, probably because he can feel her pulling away, and that's torture - we often see threads on here where it's clear the woman if flogging a dead horse and the DH/DP has checked out of the relationship, and the woman drives herself crazy being suspicious etc. It's not good for either party.

Also, it would be cruel to drag it out as a taking some time apart and "being on a break". That is also crazy-inducing for the person who wants the relationship to continue.

ferriswheel Thu 01-Jun-17 08:28:32

Definitely over.

InfiniteCurve Thu 01-Jun-17 08:41:05

Yes,absolutely agree with everyone else.She is young,her relationship has run it's course.However difficult she finds it at this precise time she needs to end it and move on.

KTD27 Thu 01-Jun-17 08:44:31

Bless her. It certainly sounds like the relationship has run its course.
I was in a similar situation at university and stayed a year longer than I should have with someone because I didn't want to hurt him and was worried about how he'd cope. Fine was the answer in the end. Obviously if he has MH issues then I understand her fear but really the kindest thing would be to end it and let him begin the process of getting over her.
The holiday sounds like a great opportunity to get some space and to work out how she feels being away from both men.
The catalyst in I'm relationship break up was another bloke - a work colleague too in fact. I knew I had to end it as I was attracted to someone else and didn't want to cheat. Helped me make the move I should have made a long time prior.
Reassure her that she knows in her heart what to do and his decisions afterward aren't her responsibility. If you are worried he will do something silly then perhaps get in touch with his parents? I am sure it will be fine. She just has to rip off the bandaid.

LellyMcKelly Thu 01-Jun-17 08:55:50

She's young. It is perfectly normal and acceptable to go through relationships at that age. They have no kids, they live far apart, he is clingy and manipulating her. It's time to leave. It might affect his mental health now, but he'll be over it and with someone else in a few months. Ask your daughter if she sees herself with her boyfriend in 10 years. If she doesn't, there's no point in carrying on.

bouncydog Thu 01-Jun-17 08:58:41

DD went through something similar at a very similar age. She found the courage to end things and now a couple of years later is in a totally different place with somebody who she has a real partnership with.

It is very difficult to be in your shoes - all you can do is be there for her. I wasn't negative about her previous partner, just said (when asked for an opinion) that I didn't feel he was right for DD but she was the best judge. I hope your DD makes the right decision for her and you enjoy your road trip.

SomeOtherFuckers Thu 01-Jun-17 11:57:25

Her relationship is over ... there's no coming back. His mental health is not her responsibility.

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