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Is this a common thing with gparents and childcare?

(19 Posts)
shuntedrightout Tue 30-May-17 19:52:34

My parents felt very strongly when my DC were born that if i could help it I should not leave them with a nanny or at any formalised childcare hmm and got very judgey if I made moves towards having some outside help. I ignored this and have had childcare in the past, but my parents have been very negative towards nannies and playgroups I have hired: excluding them, not speaking to them, sighing every time I mention them. To persuade me against it they offered to be the childcare themselves in exchange for me not outsourcing. They launched a campaign of persuading us on all fronts - it'll save money, the children will be with people they know etc.

So we have been trying to get it right for about a year now, but the reality is that my parents do not want to take the DC when I work, they want to take the DC when it's convenient for them. And if possible they'd like me there too (and not my DH) so that they can tell me what else they think I should be doing with my life, while also watching the DC.

So it is neither proper childcare, nor a break for me, as I am at best sitting with a cup of tea with my dad telling me what I should be doing and my mum changing the baby's nappy, or making everyone (them and the DC) dinner at my parents house (because they've stipulated the "childcare" has to be at their house.

I often feel more tired involving them than having them not involved because I am taking care of five people (including their feelings) rather than three.

It has come to a head a few times and I have told them honestly that it isn't working for me. Each time I tell them this, my mum says that I shouldn't be working anyway and that a "proper mother" is with her DCs all the time (sacrifices herself at the altar of motherhood - not her words.) and the implication is that I am lazy or selfish or expecting too much out of life.

Does anyone have anything similar from their parents?

shuntedrightout Tue 30-May-17 19:53:39

I work from home btw, which is why the hours are bendable

MariafromMalmo Tue 30-May-17 19:56:27

You just have to be honest. Let them sulk for a while and do something different.

I know you don't want to hurt their feelings, but they don't really give a shit about you much do they.

You must tell them to stop running your life.

ohfourfoxache Tue 30-May-17 19:58:33

You need to go back to formal childcare and fuck what they say. The current arrangement isn't working at all. If they want to whinge about it then let them, but make your own arrangements

tiktok Tue 30-May-17 19:58:38

I don't get it. What would happen if you just told them to mind their own business and you are going to do things your way from now?

Sky fall in?

They call the police?

Or just they will be pissed off?

If the last one, so what?

Phoebefromfriends Tue 30-May-17 19:58:57

OP they are your kids and you know what is best for them politely tell them to keep put of it. Put your big girl pants on and put some boundaries in. Explain how it makes you feel and then say you won't be discussing it unless they support you. Apologies if that's harsh but you are a grown up and don't have to resort to being the compliant child anymore.

QforCucumber Tue 30-May-17 19:59:54

Mil has ds on a Friday, dm has him on a Monday and the 3 other days he's at nursery. Mil makes no secret that she doesnt like him being there but it's what works for us. You're the parent here - do what YOU want.

MikeUniformMike Tue 30-May-17 20:06:34

Your DC, your rules.

SkaterGrrrrl Tue 30-May-17 20:08:05

Stand up to them. Your children, your job, you decide how to run your life.

SirNiallDementia Tue 30-May-17 20:13:56

Your kids, your rules.

Your parents have had their go at bringing up kids, now it's your turn. You need to establish some boundaries with them and their interfering. It's 2017, many many mothers work and bring up kids!

Look for a childminder or nursery, your LO will have a great time there (beware a few tears at first while they settle in though!).

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 30-May-17 20:17:35

You need to return to paid childcare; your parents are totally unsuitable and also want to shut your DH out as well. This arrangement of theirs was never going to work out at all well for you and was only done to benefit them.

You get this type of scenario if you have grown up with controlling parents. Their actions stem from power and control. They really see you as still incapable of running your own life so have taken it upon themselves to run your life for you. Your parents both enable each other in this.

BTW do you have siblings; if so are they treated similarly?.

Time to assert yourself here in your own right because they will continue to ride roughshod over you otherwise. Such people as well do not respond well to any boundaries you care to put in so ultimately you may well have to lower all forms of contact with them.

They were not good parents to you and are not great as grandparent figures to your children. Do not worry about supposedly hurting their feelings; people like your parents are actually unfeeling and only care about getting their own way. They have also not cared about hurting your feelings at all, your opinion to them is invalid. Like many toxic people they have not apologised nor have accepted any responsibility for their actions.

Do read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

annandale Tue 30-May-17 20:18:19

The choice is to give up work

annandale Tue 30-May-17 20:20:59

Oops or to get paid childcare. Current arrangement is no good. If you give up work, I bet they will criticise you just as much. Find childcare you think is good, and stick with it. A revolving door of changing arrangements isn't ideal and you have to woman up and pick a way forward.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 30-May-17 20:27:04

You have GOT to cut the apron strings before you lose your mind. Who cares if your parents don't like your decisions? What can they do? Ground you? You really need to take control of your own life. If they want to pout and complain, they can do that without you hearing it. Tell them in no uncertain terms that the discussion regarding childcare is OVER. If they bring it up, leave. Repeat as necessary. Stop allowing them to make you a prisoner in your own life.

Treesinbloom Tue 30-May-17 20:38:07

Not normal in my experience. Your parents should be supporting your decisions.

My parents look after my D.C. Whilst DH and I work. Our setup works because they let me make decisions on how to look after them- what they eat, nap routines, activities, discipline etc. If I don't like how they're doing something I can say and they don't take offense. They will give me advice but aren't offended if I don't take it.

YesILikeItToo Tue 30-May-17 20:41:33

Not normal. Or at least, not normal for a workable childcare arrangement. You might have parents who can provide childcare, or you might not. You don't!

terrylene Tue 30-May-17 20:48:22

As someone who has sacrificed their life on the Altar of Motherhood, I say 'Go and find a Decent Nursery' and free yourself from their tyranny.

They can look after DC once a week, or when they can't go to nursery if they are keen. Don't let them make you feel beholden to their good grace. Anyway, decent childcare sounds like it will be more regular, without lengthy handovers, and you might actually get your work done. wink Then you might end up with longer with your DC anyway.

alcibiades Tue 30-May-17 20:49:53

And who are they to be telling you how to raise your children? They made their decisions when they were parents. They don't get to make decisions about their grandchildren. If I tried that with my DD re DGS I'd get short shrift, and quite right too.

You have to put a stop to this right now, because they are not going to change unless you put your foot down. You are in charge, and the sooner you make that clear to them the better - otherwise they'll carry on interfering.

Vroomster Tue 30-May-17 21:46:01

Come on OP, these are your children. You make the childcare decisions. Stop giving a fuck what your parents think.

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