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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Can we work this out?

20 replies

DrMrsPepper · 30/05/2017 12:40

I know MN can be a bit biased on this sort of thing but I really want some advice.

I split with my DH about a month ago. It was all his doing and, even though he says he didn't realise at the time, he really hurt and betrayed me.

He's since realised what he consequences of his actions are and has been begging for another chance ever since.

He said we could try councilling, we could go get him some help from the dr etc. Because now he understands what he did was so wrong, he can work on it.

Have I been too hasty in ending things without giving him a chance to make things right?

If your spouse did something that made you lose respect and trust for them, can things be saved if their truly sorry and commit to making things better?

OP posts:

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yetmorecrap · 30/05/2017 12:52

You can. Im in same position , however and its a big however, what has been see or heard cannot be undone, its now in your memory bank , so it really depends how you feel months down the line when trust is broken. Its not going to be exactly the same dynamic to be honest. Personally unless its something horrific I think its worth giving yourself some time to see how things go for you mentally if they are truly sorry.

DrMrsPepper · 30/05/2017 12:54

Thanks for your reply. I really want to have things how they used to be.
I know it will take time and I'm sure he's committed to that.
But what counts as non forgivable?
I confided in one friend who told me to leave him and that she would have kicked him and never looked back. It was pretty bad what he did.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 30/05/2017 12:57

Sadly, things can never be the same again. You are being tempted to just forget it ever happened.

The question to ask yourself, is, what has changed, so he won't do 'it' again. You see, if you forgive and forget, the next time he has the opportunity to do it again and he thinks 'what will the consequences be' what will come up for him? A few weeks apart then back as usual? Not very convincing , is it?

Hope you can find what works for you.

category12 · 30/05/2017 12:58

What did he do?

DrMrsPepper · 30/05/2017 13:03

That's my dilemma, I don't think he would do it again but I didn't think he'd do it in the first place.
We had a pretty good relationship apart from this one major thing that he did.

Category12 I don't really wanna say but it was bad.

OP posts:

daisychainagain · 30/05/2017 13:06

I think it depends what he's done. Would you be ashamed if your family knew? Can you live with him knowing he's done this? Is he likely to do it again?
All questions you need to ask yourself.

category12 · 30/05/2017 13:13

It makes a big difference tho, what it is.

If it was sexual or physical abuse, then it needs more than promises and tbh I would advise you strongly not to try to restart the relationship, but rather to get counselling alone and do the freedom programme and move on without him in your life.

If it was cheating, then at least you're safe physically and if you want to take the risk of being hurt emotionally again, then go in with eyes wide open, do relationship counselling and give it a shot.

Silverdream · 30/05/2017 13:20

It really depends on what he did. There's a huge difference between him being violent sexually or physically towards you and having an affair. If it's something in the area of being violent then I really would walk away for good.
Only you can decide what you want. However don't try to minimise what he did by saying it was only once or he's so nice in all other aspects. He did what he did because it's in him to do it.
Perhaps he needs to go to counselling before you get back together if that's what you want.

DrMrsPepper · 30/05/2017 13:39

He had been taking naked pictures of me while I was sleeping/getting out of the shower/changing.

It might not seem like a big deal but I felt really violated by it. I found the pictures on his phone and deleted them all. Then finally confronted him after days of contemplating what to do.

Our sex life has taken a huge dive recently due to health issues on my part, and he said he doesn't want to use porn or anything but he misses me and that's why he did it. But says he didn't realise how much it would hurt and upset me.

Can we get over that?

OP posts:

MyheartbelongstoG · 30/05/2017 13:41

I couldn't forgive that, what a creep.

Adora10 · 30/05/2017 13:44

What a disgusting bastard, why would you want anything to do with him, you should have reported him to the Police.

I hope you got him to delete cos it sounds like he's putting them online.

What a fucken creep, are you mad?

Neverknowing · 30/05/2017 13:45

Depends on you. I personally wouldn't be able to trust him again and would always be on edge. Sleeping and showering are when you're most vulnerable and for me I wouldn't feel safe again but everyone is different.
I think it depends on how safe you'd feel around him and if you could 'let it go' because I wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it all the time. Sorry if that makes no sense!

DrMrsPepper · 30/05/2017 13:52

It's easy to say "what a creep" or "disgusting bastard" when it's not your own DH.

OP posts:

RogueBiscuit · 30/05/2017 13:59

I've read this sort of thing too many times. It's never about taking a few sexy nudies, it's about the thrill these men get from photographing women without their consent. The thrill is in the violation, not the photo. Theres nothing arousing about someone sleeping.

This is actually a criminal offence. Had he done this to someone else he'd be in court and on the sex offenders register. And of course he knew it was wrong, that's why he did it secretly.

I also think he's being manipulative by saying he could get help from the gp. He doesn't have an illness, he is a sexual offender.

category12 · 30/05/2017 14:08

I would be surprised if that is the full extent of what he's done. The chances are high he's only admitted to the minimum you've already discovered.

Adora10 · 30/05/2017 16:15

You can't trust him OP, he's doing stuff to you without consent, that is a real violation of your identity; fuck all to do with not getting enough sex; he sounds unhinged and perverted and I'd also hazard a guess he's only admitting to the minimum.

You ended it for good reason, I'd stick to that or else god knows what you could be letting yourself in for.

There's lots of men out there that don't violate and use your body as some kind of voyeurism perhaps not even just for himself.

So yeah, creep and dirty bastard stands.

QuiteLikely5 · 30/05/2017 16:22

This man is highly dysfunctional and chances are you don't know to what extent.

In your shoes you really ought to consider reporting him to the police - otherwise you have let him off the hook and free to do this to others.

I doubt this behaviour was a one off and specifically related to you and only you.

I think there's a moral obligation to take it further

Borninatrap · 30/05/2017 18:51

How on earth did he manage to take pictures of you in the shower???

LedaP · 30/05/2017 18:55

Thats abuse. If someone you werent in a relationship with did that, would you try and move past it.

Its creepy and wrong. Nothing changes that.

LedaP · 30/05/2017 18:56

And yes people who do this shit usually admit to what they have to and dont admit to everything.

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