Me and DP have been together for a year, in a LDR and see each other every month or around that. When we are together life is perfect, we're happy and in love and spend the most lovely few days together each time. A few issues this weekend came to a head, also on his birthday which has resulted in him this morning saying he doesn't think we are working anymore and hasn't for a long time. I've asked him to have a think first about what his next move will be because if it is to break up, we will cut all contact (my decision). Our major disagreements are as follows:
-Dates and times to see each other are not as important to him as they are to me. I wanted to be with him on our anniversary, he's booked to go to a concert despite knowing the date. He cancelled another stay together that was booked and paid for to go to the pub with his best friend to watch the football (I felt so bad as apparently his friend wouldn't go out without him that day so said it was okay). And an issue with an AIBU about the football yesterday which I admit I was.
-We talk pretty much all day every day! Which works for us. But we've both said today we didn't need to talk as much as we are going around in circles and it's making us resent each other.
-Nobody knows about us. It's a joint decision as with us being LDR we wanted to be sure we'd be together long term and get to around this point. But lying to people and sneaking away isn't great.
If anyone has seen 500 Days of Summer I literally feel like Tom right now! I'm the one that believes in love and happy endings and being together and he's created this unhappiness from nothing yesterday. On his birthday too. We've spent all morning talking, crying, going over it. And he's promised to think about things but I feel like he's already checked out.
Does anyone know what I should do now? Just not message him until he gets in touch? I don't want to keep texting when he's out with his friends today as that's not fair. I don't want him to be upset again. Yesterday morning he was so excited that it was his birthday and telling me how much he loves me, and by the night he was wanting to break up. Struggling to make sense of it all :(
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I think we've just broke up...
BlueNeighbourhood · 28/05/2017 15:30
Oh dear, so sorry this has happened. It absolutely sounds like he has checked out.
Plus telling you he loves you then 'it hasn't been working for some time' / cancelled a trip away to go out with a mate? No desire to spend anniversary together?
You guys were not on the same page. Maybe a few days together every month were a nice escape for him and no more. Maybe he wanted it kept a secret because he didn't actually want to be in a, y'know, relationship.
All in all it's best to rip the plaster off and go NC.
I'm sorry 
I don't think the secrecy thing is that much of an issue. I was actually living with my boyfriend (now husband) and I hadn't even told my family I was seeing someone. I used to be very very secretive about myself. One of my work friends knew about him, so not entirely secret.
But OP, this isn't working out is it? I think you know that. Cancellation of a planned event in order to go to the pub with his mate... sounds like he's just not as interested in you as you are in him. You're more a convenient "date" when it suits him. That is not good and it is not love. 
I'm sorry to hear about what is obviously a very painful time for you.
As adults, I think we pretty much get what we settle for, and in relationships, that can be very destructive of our self esteem and self worth.
Do you ever find yourself thinking, "Maybe this is normal/OK" or "Other people do this too" when making excuses to yourself for why you are once again, disappointed? ( Alone on a birthday/anniversary/ Christmas/New Years?)
Your description of a few days happiness every month made me feel sad: don't you deserve more than that?
I'm not going to give you the "Plenty more fish in the sea" business, because a) it might not be true, b)I think that any plan for happiness that depends on a man is doomed 
and c) I know for a fact that you can be as happy single as part of a couple. However, I also think that making ourselves hostage to the whims of another is a disaster. How does the saying go: "Beware of the man who is content when your needs are met and his are not"? The man who resists when you ask for more...
One of the most helpful books I ever read on relationships is called, (very promisingly) "Get Rid of Him". There's a chapter called "Get Rid of Him If You're Always On the Begging End".
My mother gave me very little advice about relationships that was worth listening to, but one piece of advice she gave me I NEVER forgot, ALWAYS took, and NEVER found to be wrong. She said, "Have nothing to do with a man who asks you to take off your shoes when entering his house so that the occupants don't hear you." And she wasn't talking, necessarily about real shoes and a real house.
One of the problems with secrecy is that when things go wrong you have no-one to confide in. It can be embarrassing to go to family or close friends and say that you've been seeing someone for a year and haven't told them or that you've been lying, and now it's all gone Pete Tong. So I hope you will take good care of yourself just now, as I'm sure you must be feeling pretty low. Please consider calling the Samaritans (Freephone 116 123 - I always have their number in my phone) - you don't need to be suicidal, you might just need someone kind and sensible to listen. You can also talk to them online. You don't have to deal with this alone.
Sorry: the quotation was "Beware of the man who is happy when HIS needs are met and YOURs are not" 
Yes it happens but not EVERY man is married just because they're acting like a twat 
not all men have secret wives sitting at home, shock horror some men are just idiots!
OP, it doesn't sound like he's all into it I'm afraid. I do not think he's married or got another secret girlfriend. But it does sound like he's checked out. I don't see why you've kept it a secret for a whole year - I get waiting to make sure it was right for you both but a whole year ? Most people know before then even those in long distance relationships.
I think your best option is to leave him alone now.
The whole relationship sounds a bit odd, tbh.
Keeping it secret for a whole year? Why? I get being a private person, but would you not even tell your mum/best friend that you were seeing someone? I'm afraid I don't get it.
I don't think he's necessarily got a wife/girlfriend at home, but I don't think he really sees you as a long term prospect. Surely it would be better to find someone you don't have to hide away in secret for a year?
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