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need some help to get out

(22 Posts)
slowdive Sat 27-May-17 16:33:17

NC for obvious reasons.

I am in a horrible marriage with an abusive (verbal, financial and on occasion physically) man.

We have 2 DS (7 and 10). the older one has severe learning diffs. I am his carer.

We have only a small amount on the mortgage left and I could shoulder that alone. H is on a decent but not great salary. I am on CA and work a few hours.

He will not leave. I cannot leave due to the DC, esp DS1. His special school is close to home and he struggles with change (autistic traits).

I have no savings, I have no family to help me (they live 5000 miles away and are elderly). I have no friends. I know what I want - having him cut out of my live but I am stuck as to how to achieve this. House is as much his as it is mine (joint ownership) and he refuses to move. I cannot move. he attacked me physically a few times recently and I start to fear for my safety. I have never been to the police. He is careful not to bruise me (tends to target my skulll rather than face and body) and it would be my word against his. He is incredibly charismatic and likable - nobody would believe me. He is very convincing.

I just need an exit plan and I must keep the house. What do I do (I cannot afford legal fees). Where do I go from here. Thanks.

I will be offline until later in the evening.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 27-May-17 16:39:20

I believe you.

Many abusive men can appear to be quite plausible to those in the outside world but the mask does slip because they cannot keep up the nice act indefinitely.

I presume you have never been to the police out of sheer fear of him and the thoughts of not being believed. Things have moved on quite a bit in the last few years however, and coercive control is a crime.

Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 can and will help you here. I would also contact the Rights of Women organisation rightsofwomen.org.uk/ Knowledge is power and both could help you no end.

Do not let your children grow up thinking their dad's abuses of you (and in turn them because they are being emotionally damaged by all this) their norm for them to potentially repeat as adults. Do call these organisations and plan your exit plan with care; you all deserve a life free from abuse.

JK1773 Sat 27-May-17 16:45:57

Go see a solicitor asap and apply for a non-molestation order and occupation order. Legal aid is available for that. It will get him out until you can sort the rest out. Don't delay, if he's been violent you need an order as an emergency xx

midnightswirls Sat 27-May-17 17:04:10

I also second womens aid! Also are there any local charities near you that deals with DA. Maybe contact them. You definitely need an exit plan. And do not let on to him that you plan on leaving at all. The abusive can get alot worse when trying to leave. It's the most dangerous time. I went to a refuge but with your children i guess this is out of the question?

slowdive Sat 27-May-17 20:27:35

would I get a non molestation order and legal aid even though there was never anything recorded as I never tried to access help?

can I ask about the children? what happens usually to them in situations like that. H is nice to them. just awful to me, also in front of them. both DSs are very attached to him esp the one with SN.Would you try to stop contact to the DSs as well?
I am determined to go through with it but I want to do it 'right' iyswim. I don't want something muddles up.
I am so messed up after years of abuse.tbe irony is I appear incredibly strong and confident to the outside but I really have no self worth left sad

slowdive Sat 27-May-17 20:29:40

he threatened to run amok and kill all of us the other day

Proseccoisthenewlambrini Sat 27-May-17 20:37:40

Hi op, I believe you too

Please contact the police if it is safe to do so, they will complete a safe lives risk assessment with you and will support you from there in confidence and keep you and dc safe.

You can do this
flowers

acquilegiannie Sat 27-May-17 20:41:25

So sad.

So many women in similar positions appear to have no immediate support either family or friends nearby, and I often wonder if that's because partner has isolated them.

Take the advice of people here. They are very helpful. But you have to make up your mind and do it for your own sake and the sake of your precious children.

redcaryellowcar Sat 27-May-17 20:57:14

I'm not sure I can be much help, but looks like you have had some great advice already. All I wanted to say was please do protect yourself and your dc. Will keep you in my thoughts.

slowdive Sat 27-May-17 20:59:53

thank you everyone. will call women's aid first thing next week.

JK1773 Sun 28-May-17 10:56:15

You don't need 'proof' of DV to get a non molestation and occupation order. It's based on your statement to the court. Also if you get a non-mol that will also qualify you for legal aid over kids/ divorce etc if needed. Don't wait though. Do it asap x

Whyiseverynameinuse Sun 28-May-17 11:34:08

I went to court to get non-mol and occupation order without physical violence against me (emotional and financial abuse from polite and oh-so-charming H).

Got a non-mol and an undertaking from him to stay away from home. I got solicitor recommended by WA and she has been brilliant, as have the female barristers that have represented me each time we're in court. Grab all the support you can OP flowers and good luck.

slowdive Sun 28-May-17 14:46:08

reassuring to know. thank you.

sodablackcurrant Sun 28-May-17 18:57:03

How are you OP.

What is your plan.

slowdive Sun 28-May-17 19:56:23

I am fine. H is away with work now for a week. Will contact women's aid next week. I am save right now.

ferriswheel Sun 28-May-17 21:43:32

Are you in England or Scotland? Or somewhere else?

I strongly advice you to go to the police. They will have a domestic liaison type officer who will help you? I myself have been and they are very kind.

Go to your doctor. Tell them everything. This means you are starting to evidence your case to help official people support you.

Get all the official documents in your house in a safe place and get copies of as much important stuff as possible.

Women's Aid are excellent. I found that by phoning you get someone lovely on the phone. Make an appointment and go to them. They do a risk assessment. You will get a helpful score going by your op. They can write a statement on this. You can use this statement to evidence your case.

Can you start buying and hiding extra bits to help you out when you get rid of him?

Can you start copying important things from your computer onto a pen drive?

Can you trust anyone to help you?

You can download a hidden camera app to your phone which means you can record without your phone beeping or lighting up.

Don't give him any clues that you are as far on with your plan as you can. That's the mistake I made.

Please feel free to pm.

My emotionally, mentally and financially abusive stbxh has been gone for a week. It feels amazing.

slowdive Mon 29-May-17 08:15:01

England. thank you.

DC will be in childcare after the bank holiday. will get things started then.

weatherbomb Mon 29-May-17 08:33:00

He's threatened to kill you all. Report it to police, they will take it seriously. Your H is very controlling and dangerous. Tell your GP & all the things already mentioned. It is a scary & dangerous time for you so be very careful & don't give him any clue that you're up to. Thinking of you & sending strength.

ButtonMoonLoon Mon 29-May-17 08:39:35

Does he know that you use Mumsnet? If so, ask to have this thread moved somewhere safer that won't come up in active conversations.
I wish you strength for the coming days and weeks ahead

slowdive Mon 29-May-17 08:41:13

I think he knows but I created an account with a different email address and only access it from my phone which he cannot access.

ferriswheel Mon 29-May-17 10:20:03

Can you phone the police? They can come to your house at a safe time.

Proseccoisthenewlambrini Wed 31-May-17 21:48:03

Hi op, how are you? I hope you are all safe and well.

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