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Getting over betrayal.

(5 Posts)
gex23 Fri 26-May-17 17:18:42

First time poster here but I feel like i'm struggling and it'd be nice to clear my head a little bit.

So me and my (now ex) were together for 3 years, she was previously married at 18 (divorced at 24) with a now 5 year old child. I'm unmarried and now childless. She's 24 and i'm 33.

We met at work and the relationship developed from there. She left for another store (store policy) and eventually I welcomed her and her daughter into my home last October (when she passed her driving test).

Now around Christmas time I started to suffer from anxiety and depression, I tried to cope with this by denial and started drinking heavily - by the end of January I had a full breakdown and full on anxiety attack - I was signed off work and have been since (though thankfully making progress).

My ex struggled to cope with my anxiety and we broke things off mid Feb, for me to clear my head for a couple of months. However she moved back in a few weeks later, again we struggled as she was becoming distant.

This distance, along with a change in her behaviour such as going out partying a lot, spending time with friends, vague as to where she was, spending a lot of time on her phone - she said it was my anxiety and mental frailty / paranoia and I kind of accepted that and almost buried my head in the sand, thinking it was my useless head looking for problems to worry over.

Fast forward to early May, her behaviour had become increasingly distant, she'd moved back in with her Mum / Stepdad about 30 minutes away (near my workplace and the place she used to work) - she said her head was a mess, wasn't seeing anyone else and may come back, always loved me and would never move on from me etc etc (which I believed). So I said i'd phone her end of May and see how she wanted to work on things but give her space in the meantime.

One night, I was driving home from a friends near where she lives / socialises, saw her car parked up at the cinema at midnight and was intrigued as to her activities. Waited 10 minutes and my worst fears were confirmed, saw her with another man, laughing and hugging him (while supposedly being devastated over me). I felt sick, my head was spinning, it felt like someone had hollowed me out.

I needed an answer though, so followed them into a desolate dark park where they parked up. I knocked on the window, then saw the man - he was my best friend from work! I was speechless. He'd recently split from his OH and they said they were there for a 'chat'. BS. I asked repeatedly if anything was going on. All I got was 'no, no, no'.

Next day I asked her again and it was supposedly a 'first date sort of thing' - my question was 'so were you going to tell me?' Her response? 'if you asked'.

No apologies, no nothing.

I'd been sat at home counting down the days to call her at the end of May, she'd reassured me she just needed space and wanted time to clear her head, all the while she was going out on dates with my now former best work friend.

And from what i've heard this has been going on for at least 2 months and has been a sexual relationship aswell - when me and her were still in a sexual relationship.

It makes me feel utterly sick to my stomach, the betrayal, the thoughts of them together, the lack of apologies from her, the fact she's given up a house / future / everything with me, for a man with no house, cannot drive and has worse mental troubles than me! I just can't figure it out.

I've now emptied the house of all her things on her doorstep (respectfully), but cannot get the thought of them out of my head, followed by a bout of nausea and disbelief (I caught them on Wednesday night).

Sorry for the store but it feels like i've been taken for an absolute mug, sitting here waiting to hear off her while she's been feigning struggling but in reality going out and doing the dirty with my friend.

Sorry for the story, just needed to commit it to text instead of just being in my head as it feels like i'm regressing with my anxiety and getting worse again.

SparklyMagpie Fri 26-May-17 17:31:30

Ok so you arn't together? I've not got time to read properly, but if thats the case and despite whether you both planned to get together, you were both single.

I'd just walk away, seems like you won't get over this, but in all fairness, if you had broken up, you can't do anything about it

noego Fri 26-May-17 18:30:28

She's a bitch and you have dodged a bullet. Be grateful and move on.

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 Fri 26-May-17 18:43:27

sparkly why reply if you havnt had time to read it properly. OP she sounds like a really shitty person! , leaving you hanging on while she worked out which one she wanted to be with. You deserve better 💐

rizlett Fri 26-May-17 19:02:11

My first thought - apart from you being brave to tell your story and risk all the comments from mn - is that she is still very young - only 21 when you first got together.

Maybe she just isn't that mature.

It's often unhelpful to think its a question of another man being better than you - irrespective of whether he has a house or not. It's not a competition. It just seems like what she wants isn't what you want. And even though you don't like that (which is completely understandable) it has to be ok. Because people change their minds.

Perhaps its time to let go of what was, concentrate on looking after yourself so that what other people do or don't do cannot affect you so much and when the next person comes along you may well be in a much better place.

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