I've ended things but now having regrets...?

[CheerfulCherry]

I'll try and keep this short and sweet.

I have been unhappy for about a year. My DP started touching me when I was asleep and its been a bit of a trigger for me. I was molested as a child but never told anyone. It only happened once and I can barely remember it now but it still happened.

Anyway since I noticed what he's been doing its like I've been building up resentment for every little thing he does wrong. It eventually got to the point the other day where I snapped and confronted him on what he's been doing to me.

I hadn't confronted him before because I was scared to lose him but this time it just all came out like verbal diarrhoea. He cried, I cried. I told him that I don't trust him and that I feel like he violated me.
He didn't have any excuses, just that he's really sorry and never meant to hurt me.

We've broken up and hes moved out. But I'm so heartbroken. I thought he was the one.

Is it normal to feel massive amounts of regret and guilt for ending things without giving him a chance to make things better?
He offered to go see a dr, or for us to go on holiday etc.
Part of me thinks that it's a weak attempt at keeping me, but the other part thinks he's really serious and it could work.

He keeps asking for my forgiveness but I've been trying to forgive him and move on in secret and can't do it. Would it be different now that he knows what the problem is?

Please can someone help me?

[category12]

Um, someone who sexually assaults you in your sleep needs to do a bit more than offer a holiday. It wouldn't be a bad idea for him to follow through on the visit to the doctor, finding therapy and following through, without it being conditional on you getting back together.

Have to wonder, however, why he isn't already doing that, because if I'd done something to a loved one like that I'd feel so awful I would want to get help, even if there was no chance of reunion with them. Because it's very wrong.

OP, it's hard facing the end of a relationship and mourning what it might have been, but don't minimise what he did. He violated you.

[SandyY2K]

I think you should have told him earlier, then he'd have understood. I'm not sure how he was touching you, but clearly it wasn't just an arm around you.

Have you ever had counselling for it?

Is he a good partner in other ways? Was it a good relationship?

[SandyY2K]

Does he have kinks of any sort? Reading it again, it really sounds like a terrible violation

[CheerfulCherry]

I'm just so heartbroken. I'm absolutely not down playing what he did. He knows how wrong it is. Our sex life isn't very healthy recently but that's down to stress and other commitments etc. He said he missed being close and intimate with me (he did say that's not an excuse)

I do feel like it was a huge violation.
But now I'm thinking I didn't even give him the opportunity to make it right? Or to change or anything. I just ended it.

[category12]

But why isn't he doing something about it himself? Why is it something he's offering in order to get back together? If he seriously believed what he had done was wrong and felt bad about it, he'd do something off his own bat, for his own sake as much as anyone else's. But no.

It makes me think he's only upset because of the consequences, not because he truly thinks what he did was wrong. Which means as soon as his feet are back under the table, he would backslide.

[CheerfulCherry]

He keeps saying 'let me make it up to you' 'let me earn your trust again' but I don't know how he could. Or even if he could. I really want to be able to get over this but I don't think I can.
category I feel like that too. He's so distraught about loosing me. He says he can't imagine spending the rest of our lives not being with each other. I feel like because he's never been in this type of situation before he doesn't know what to say or where to start. But neither do I.
I don't want to give him false hope so I haven't said that I'm having regrets even though I still speak to him every day.
Can we get past this?

[category12]

Well, how about he goes into therapy while you're split up, works on his issues for a year or two on his own about his actions, perhaps while you do the freedom programme and counselling for the historic abuse? Then after that period, see how you both feel/what progress has been made and think about whether you should get back together?

How do you think he'd react to that plan?

[category12]

I'm betting his plan is just to promise you lots, come home and have you put yourself at risk so he can 'prove' himself.

[jouu]

It's natural to feel this way. You are grieving for the relationship. Grief is usually tinged with huge amounts of regret and wishing that things had been different -- that's natural and normal.

It's not a sign that you should get back together, though. He assaulted you. That's not normal and it's NOT ok. It's just as bad as if he'd hit you. There's no coming back from that.

Men who do things like this, they don't change. They just don't. Doesn't mean you have to hate him or anything like that - but you do need to accept that if you got back together, he'd do the same again, or different but equally bad. Men don't do this kind of thing unless they believe, on a very very deep level, that women's bodies are there to be used. That doesn't go away.

Can I suggest that you look up the stages of grief. It might help you get a handle on where these emotions are coming from.

Please just remember that just because something hurts, doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do. You've done the right thing, the absolutely right thing. You couldn't stay in this relationship, there's no way.

[CheerfulCherry]

category I don't think he would get help if he thought we weren't getting back together though :/

jouu I think you just said exactly what I needed to hear, from the bottom of my heart, thank you
I am so sad that things aren't different. I know there's nothing I could have done to prevent the relationship from ending.
But I was so in love with who I thought he was, it's far worse than if he had been unfaithful or something.
I'm glad I haven't told him how I'm feeling.
And when he's not around I feel fine. Sad, but fine.
When I broke up with my first ever boyfriend at like 16, I didn't sleep or eat for a week I was so devasted.
I'm 26 now.. and I'm ok.
But when I see him or speak to him I'm like a freakin' tap. I cry, cracked voice, it's awful.

He keeps saying things that make me feel like this is the last time he'll ask me to get back together, and I feel pressure to make the right choice.
But I don't want to lose him :( I know, I know, WTF.

[category12]

"I don't think he would get help if he thought we weren't getting back together though :/"
Well that's your answer then - he's paying lip-service to wanting to change and make things better - that's all.

It's terribly painful, but Jouu is dead on.

I think you should draw a line, and stop being in contact with him. Grieve and move on. You'll come out the other side and you'll be glad.

[TheNaze73]

Don't change track Op. It sounds like you've made the best long term decision for both of you

[SandyY2K]

You need to stop talking to him every day. That won't help you get space or heal.

The trust is gone and the best thing would be to ask him not to contact you. You'll contact him if you need to, but ask that he respects your wishes.

[jouu]

But when I see him or speak to him I'm like a freakin' tap. I cry, cracked voice, it's awful.

You poor thing. Is it at all possible for you to stop contacting him? It's really important that you stop speaking to him. The wounds don't really start to heal up until you put quite a bit of distance between yourself and the other person. What's stopping you from ceasing contact?

He keeps saying things that make me feel like this is the last time he'll ask me to get back together, and I feel pressure to make the right choice.

This is a big alarm bell OP, he sounds really manipulative. You HAVE made the right choice. I think it's really important that you try to stop speaking to him.

Remember talk is incredibly cheap. It's actions that matter and he's shown you who is he, and what he thinks of you, very very clearly, in a way that can't be taken back. Right now he wants you back with him so he'll say literally anything to get to that goal. Which is why it's better not to be in contact.

[CheerfulCherry]

I really appreciate the advice but I probably should have mentioned we have a DD who's 2 and a half.
So we have to stay in contact. His parents dislike me and refuse to speak to me so I can't arrange someone else to come pick her up etc. Plus I want us to be able to co-parent eventually.

[category12]

OK, but there's no need to be in contact daily or to have relationship conversations - you need to detach and create emotional distance. Door-step hand-overs, that kind of thing. You can reduce the level of interaction but still be civil to co-parent.

[jouu]

I have DC and have had to reduce contact. It is 100% possible. Set up a parenting calendar (google calendar or similar) and keep all comms to email only. Use a formal tone in email. If he emails about emotional stuff just don't reply and pretend it didn't happen (ideally, delete after skimming for any factual info/requests for something practical).

You need to want to, though.

I will tell you from experience, the way to keep civil while coparenting, is to disengage from the emotional stuff as quickly as possible. As long as you're entertaining these conversations, you are literally inviting drama into the coparenting rs.